The graph below shows the average monthly use of health club in Miami and Florida by all full-time members in 2017. The pie charts show the age profile of male and female members of this health club. Health club use in Miami and Florida in 2017
Sample Response
The illustrations give the number of full-time male and female health-centre members in Miami and Florida throughout the year 2017 and outline the ratio of these members based on their gender and age. Overall, more male were active health centre members than that of females and just over half of them were between 21 to 45 years old. As the bar chart implies, 500 females were active members of different fitness clubs in Florida and Miami in January 2017 while their male counterparts were slightly higher in number. The membership count to these gyms and health centres remained almost the same till April but afterwards increased rapidly between June and September. During this period, fitness centres in these two areas had more than 800 active male participants and slightly over 700 female members. The number of male health club members had always been higher than that of females. From October until the end of the year, these clubs retained a fewer number of members and this number varied from 500 to 700. According to the pie charts, more than half of the male members of these fitness clubs were between 21 to 45 years old while this was exactly 50% for women. Over 65 years old men accounted for one-quarter participants while it was 6% higher in the case of females. Remaining one-fifth fitness club members were from different other age groups.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use plural noun Original: more male were Suggested revision: more males were Why it matters: The comparative subject requires the plural noun 'males'.
- 2. Fix comparison form Original: than that of females Suggested revision: than females Why it matters: Compare male members directly with female members rather than using the singular pronoun 'that'.
- 3. Fix age range Original: between 21 to 45 Suggested revision: between 21 and 45 Why it matters: The standard correlative form is 'between ... and ...'.
- 4. Match the visual Original: different fitness clubs Suggested revision: the health club Why it matters: The visual presents membership of one health club, not several different clubs.
- 5. Use natural collocation Original: membership count to Suggested revision: membership figures for Why it matters: 'Figures for' is the natural phrase for describing membership data.
- 6. Correct early trend Original: remained almost the same till April Suggested revision: rose moderately through April Why it matters: The chart shows both totals increasing by April, especially the male figure.
- 7. Correct peak pattern Original: increased rapidly between June and September Suggested revision: stayed high from June to September Why it matters: The figures peak around June and then remain broadly high rather than rising rapidly throughout this period.
- 8. Keep terms consistent Original: active male participants Suggested revision: male members Why it matters: 'Members' is the precise category shown in the chart and avoids an unnecessary shift in terminology.
- 9. Use simple past Original: had always been higher Suggested revision: was consistently higher Why it matters: The simple past is appropriate for a completed period in 2017.
- 10. Fix count phrase Original: retained a fewer number Suggested revision: had fewer Why it matters: 'Fewer' directly modifies the countable noun 'members' without an article.
- 11. Correct the range Original: varied from 500 to 700 Suggested revision: ranged from about 520 to 730 Why it matters: The October-to-December values extend above 700 and bottom out slightly above 500.
- 12. Fix age expression Original: Over 65 years old men Suggested revision: Men aged over 65 Why it matters: Use 'aged over 65' after the noun when describing an age group.
Suggested Rewrites
- more male were more males were
- than that of females than females
- between 21 to 45 between 21 and 45
- different fitness clubs the health club
- membership count to membership figures for
- remained almost the same till April rose moderately through April
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response gives a clear overview and successfully identifies the consistently higher male membership and the dominant 21–45 age group. Its main limitation is precision: some monthly descriptions overgeneralise the data, and several awkward grammatical and lexical choices weaken an otherwise clear account. The highest-priority improvement is to make exact, selective comparisons between particular months while checking noun phrases and comparative structures for accuracy.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
A clear overview and most key monthly and age-group features are reported, though some ranges and period descriptions are slightly inaccurate or overgeneralised.
Support the overview with more exact comparisons, especially the June-to-September values and the October figure for men.
Coherence and Cohesion
The information progresses logically from monthly membership to age profiles, but presenting the entire report as one paragraph limits structural clarity.
Separate the overview and the two visual components into distinct paragraphs while retaining the clear comparison sequence.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a good range of topic vocabulary, but awkward combinations such as membership count to these gyms reduce precision.
Prefer natural data-reporting collocations such as membership rose, the number of members, and accounted for a quarter of participants.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex sentences communicates the comparisons clearly, although article, plural, and comparative-form errors recur.
Proofread noun phrases and comparison structures, particularly forms such as more male members, fewer members, and men over 65.
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