The pie charts below show the online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Online retail sales in New Zealand - 2003 and 2013
Sample Response
The pie charts demonstrate four diverse sub-categories of online vendition for retail business in New Zealand both in 2003 and 2013. To analyze this diagram, we begin by taking a closer look at the data presented and it is obvious that travel industries made the highest online sales in 2003 and the entertainment enterprises emerged as the e-commerce leader in 2013 in New Zealand. Taking the statistical data into account, we may infer that the largest part of sales went for travel category, 37%, in 2003 whereas a salient decrease, by 8%, in travel sales can be detected in 2013. If we compare those two charts, it is easy to say that there was a considerable rise in online film/music sales during the period. Similarly, online book sales rose by 3% from the initial ratio of 19%. On the contrary, sales share of travel and clothes dropped by 11% and 6% respectively. Most important difference between the online sales in the given years was the film/music industry's sales. They accounted for one-third of online retail sales in 2013 while a number of 2003's film/music sales was less than one-fourth of total online sales.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use chart verb Original: demonstrate Suggested revision: compare Why it matters: The charts compare category shares across two years rather than demonstrate them.
- 2. Use precise category term Original: diverse sub-categories Suggested revision: retail categories Why it matters: This wording names the four sectors more precisely and concisely.
- 3. Use natural noun Original: vendition Suggested revision: sales Why it matters: Vendition is highly uncommon here, while sales is the standard term.
- 4. Fix prepositional phrase Original: for retail business Suggested revision: in the retail sector Why it matters: The replacement creates a grammatical phrase describing online retail sales.
- 5. Signal the overview Original: To analyze this diagram Suggested revision: Overall Why it matters: A direct overview marker is clearer than commentary about analysing the visual.
- 6. Remove empty wording Original: taking a closer look at the data presented Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: This phrase adds no information about the chart and makes the overview wordy.
- 7. State finding directly Original: it is obvious that Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: The key feature should be stated directly without this subjective framing.
- 8. Match chart label Original: travel industries Suggested revision: the travel sector Why it matters: The chart presents one travel category, so sector is the accurate term.
- 9. Name correct category Original: entertainment enterprises Suggested revision: the film/music sector Why it matters: The visual labels the leading 2013 category Film/Music, not entertainment enterprises.
- 10. Fix sales phrasing Original: sales went for travel category Suggested revision: sales were in the travel category Why it matters: The replacement expresses the category's share in a grammatical way.
- 11. Use percentage points Original: a salient decrease, by 8%, Suggested revision: a decrease of 8 percentage points Why it matters: Travel fell from 37% to 29%, a change of 8 percentage points.
- 12. Remove vague framing Original: it is easy to say that Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: Deleting this phrase makes the comparison more direct and objective.
Suggested Rewrites
- demonstrate compare
- diverse sub-categories retail categories
- vendition sales
- for retail business in the retail sector
- To analyze this diagram Overall
- taking a closer look at the data presented Delete
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response gives a clear overview and covers every sector with mostly accurate comparisons, supported by relevant figures. Its main weakness is the contradictory account of travel's decline, first correctly giving eight percentage points and later stating eleven; prioritise checking each calculation against the charts, while also replacing inflated or awkward wording with precise Task 1 language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
A clear overview and broad coverage of all four sectors are weakened by the later inaccurate claim that travel fell by eleven percentage points.
Check every stated change against both charts and report the travel decrease consistently as eight percentage points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information progresses logically from the overview to detailed comparisons, although the single dense paragraph and some formulaic transitions limit clarity.
Separate the overview from the detail section and group increases and decreases into clearly focused paragraphs.
Lexical Resource
The response shows a reasonably wide vocabulary, but choices such as 'vendition,' 'enterprises,' and 'a number of sales' are unnatural or imprecise.
Prefer standard Task 1 terms such as online sales, sectors, proportion, rose, and fell instead of inflated synonyms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A variety of complex structures is used with generally clear meaning, though article, preposition, and noun-phrase errors recur.
Edit complex sentences for complete articles and natural noun phrases, especially expressions describing proportions and changes.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The pie charts below show the online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Online retail sales in New Zealand - 2003 and 2013
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.