The diagram below describes the structure of a home smokery and how it works.
This response is estimated at Band 5.5. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
The process graph shows three parts of the whole procedure which displays a framework and the operationoperating address of a home smokery.
Overall, there are three parts step by step, and the initial two of three processes happen underground. The last step which is also the smokery stage happens aboveup towards the ground.
At the beginning, fresh air flows into an opened lid which is connected with a board, the opposite side of the board connectsconnect with the box on the ground. At the first step, after fresh air gets into aan U-shaped reacting area, it then settles down to the bottom of the areaof area. The fresh air at the bottom continuously flows to the right side and enters the second stagebeing into second part of this whole process. With closed lid and logs, fresh air becomes the best firing condition. When the logs burnburn out with fresh air which is full of oxygen, the smog produced by firing flows into a pipe from the entrance.
After flowing into the pipe, this process begins the third step. The pipe is from bottom to the ground level with ana exit on the ground. The resulting smokefiring smog flows across the pipe and is released intorelease into the box room on the ground. The box room is the final step area. Fish and meat hang from the top ofare hanging on the top of the box room. While smog gets outside from the small exit on the ground, this food isthese food were surrounded by the smog, which is the familiar situation. The closed box room ensures the food can be fully smoked. The above-ground designOverground designing is more convenient for people to access and retrieve the foodtake and put. With this, theSince then the whole process of a home smokery has been finished.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The report successfully covers the main stages of the process and provides an overview of the home smokery structure. However, the explanation is limited by frequent grammatical errors, awkward vocabulary choices, and repetitive transitional phrases. Focusing on precise technical vocabulary and improving sentence boundary punctuation will yield the highest performance gains.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The main stages of the smokery process are identified and an overview is provided, though some details are described confusingly.
Describe the components and structural features more accurately according to the diagram labels without adding speculative details.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is arranged in chronological order, but progression feels repetitive and comma splices occasionally obscure transitions.
Use a wider variety of cohesive devices and fix sentence boundaries to avoid run-on sentences.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is sufficient to convey the general message, but inaccuracies in word choice such as smog and firing condition recur.
Use precise process vocabulary such as smoke, combustion, and underground chamber instead of inaccurate terms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex sentences is attempted, but grammatical errors and awkward passive formulations occur frequently.
Focus on verb form accuracy, tense consistency, and correct passive structures when describing process steps.