The diagram below describes the structure of a home smokery and how it works.
This response is estimated at Band 5.5. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
The process graph shows three parts of the whole procedure which displays a framework and the operationoperating address of a home smokery.
Overall, there are three parts step by step, and the initial two of three processes happen underground. The last step which is also the smokery stage happens aboveup towards the ground.
At the beginning, fresh air flows into an openopened lid which is connected with a board, the opposite side of the board connectsconnect with the box on the ground. At the first step, after fresh air gets into aan U-shaped reacting area, it then settles down to the bottom of the areabottom of area. The fresh air at the bottom continuously flows to the right side and enters the second partbeing into second part of this whole process. With closed lid and logs, fresh air becomes the best firing condition. When the logs burnburn out with fresh air which is full of oxygen, the smog produced by firing flows into a pipe from the entrance.
After flowing into the pipe, this process begins the third step. The pipe is from bottom to the ground level with ana exit on the ground. The smokefiring smog flows across the pipe and is releasedrelease into the box room on the ground. The box room is the final step area. Fish and meat are hanging fromon the top of the box room. While smog gets outside from the small exit on the ground, this food isthese food were surrounded by the smogDelete, which is the familiar situation. The closed box room ensures the food can be fully smoked. At this point, theSince then the whole process of a home smokery has been finished.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The essay successfully outlines the three main stages of the home smokery process and provides a clear clear overall summary. However, accuracy is reduced by inappropriate vocabulary choices and frequent grammatical errors, such as run-on sentences and incorrect word forms. To improve, focus on using exact technical terms related to the diagram and refining sentence structures to enhance grammatical control.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
All main stages of the process are identified and summarized with an overall overview included.
Ensure all descriptions strictly match the visual details without introducing inaccurate terms or minor factual missteps.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response presents a clear step-by-step progression following the numbered stages of the diagram.
Use a wider variety of cohesive devices to connect sentences smoothly instead of relying on mechanical step markers.
Lexical Resource
An adequate vocabulary range is attempted, but frequent word choice errors confuse specific technical details.
Replace incorrect word choices such as using 'smog' for smoke with precise terminology suited for process descriptions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures is used, but frequent grammatical and punctuation errors occur throughout.
Focus on fixing run-on sentences, subject-verb agreement, and passive voice construction to improve overall control.