The bar chart below shows employment figures in different tourism-related industries between 2009 and 2019.
Sample Response
The chart provides a breakdown of employment in a number of tourism-related industries over a ten-year period. Overall, we can see that the total level of employment increased by about twenty per cent during the period. However, there was some variation in the figures for the individual sectors. For example, while the travel industry increased its workforce substantially over the decade, there was relatively little growth in that associated with hotels and other tourist accommodation. Travel represented the biggest area of expansion, having almost doubled its number of employees by 2019. The food industry also saw a significant increase, from 283,000 employees in 2009 to 357,000 in 2019, while the sports industry enjoyed an almost equal level of growth. The least successful sector was culture, including museums and art galleries, where the figures actually fell slightly over the period. The data suggests that, despite minor fluctuations in the various sectors, employment in the tourism industry as a whole will continue to grow.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise wording Original: total level of employment Suggested revision: total employment Why it matters: The shorter phrase expresses the same measure more naturally.
- 2. Describe growth precisely Original: increased its workforce substantially Suggested revision: saw substantial workforce growth Why it matters: The revision uses a natural data-description collocation.
- 3. Clarify the comparison Original: that associated with hotels and other tourist accommodation Suggested revision: employment in hotels and other tourist accommodation Why it matters: The explicit noun phrase removes the awkward reference created by 'that associated with'.
- 4. State proportional growth Original: the biggest area of expansion Suggested revision: the largest proportional increase Why it matters: Travel nearly doubled, but it did not have the largest absolute increase in employee numbers.
- 5. Use concise data language Original: almost doubled its number of employees Suggested revision: nearly doubled its workforce Why it matters: This is a more concise way to describe the same change.
- 6. Reflect the smaller rise Original: an almost equal level of growth Suggested revision: a somewhat smaller increase Why it matters: Sports added about 61,000 jobs, compared with roughly 74,000 in food.
- 7. Use objective wording Original: least successful sector Suggested revision: only sector to decline Why it matters: The chart shows a fall in culture while every other sector increased.
- 8. Identify the measure Original: where the figures Suggested revision: whose employment figure Why it matters: The revision makes clear that the figure refers specifically to employment.
- 9. Sentence rewrite Original: The data suggests that, despite minor fluctuations in the various sectors, employment in the tourism industry as a whole will continue to grow. Suggested revision: The data show that, despite differing changes across sectors, total tourism employment rose by about 20% between 2009 and 2019. Why it matters: Two endpoint bars support a past comparison, not fluctuations or a prediction of future growth.
- 10. Group the key comparisons Suggested revision: Separate the overview from the details, then group the growing sectors together before describing culture as the sole decline. Why it matters: This structure would make the progression from overall change to sector-level contrasts clearer.
Suggested Rewrites
- total level of employment total employment
- increased its workforce substantially saw substantial workforce growth
- that associated with hotels and other tourist accommodation employment in hotels and other tourist accommodation
- the biggest area of expansion the largest proportional increase
- almost doubled its number of employees nearly doubled its workforce
- an almost equal level of growth a somewhat smaller increase
Why this response received Band 8.0
The report selects almost every important feature and compares the sectors accurately with specific data, using fluent and precise language throughout. Its main weakness is the unsupported prediction that tourism employment will continue to grow, while the reference to fluctuations is also unjustified by a chart showing only two years. Replace that conclusion with a factual comparison of the largest sectors and changes.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The response accurately covers the overall increase and the contrasting changes across all five sectors with relevant figures.
Remove the forecast about future growth and conclude with a comparison that is directly supported by the two displayed years.
Coherence and Cohesion
The report develops from a clear overview to well-selected sector comparisons in a smooth and readily followed sequence.
Use a separate detail paragraph to give the otherwise strong organisation even clearer visual structure.
Lexical Resource
A broad and precise range of vocabulary conveys totals, sector differences, and degrees of change naturally.
Avoid fluctuation when the chart provides only two data points and therefore shows changes rather than intermediate variation.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex comparative and subordinate structures are handled accurately and flexibly throughout the response.
Preserve this accuracy while occasionally shortening clause-heavy sentences to sharpen emphasis on the key figures.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The bar chart below shows employment figures in different tourism-related industries between 2009 and 2019.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.