The line graph below shows the unemployment rates for the USA and Japan between March 2005 and March 2011.
Sample Response
The line graph compares the percentages of unemployed Japanese and Americans from 2005 to 2011. Overall, the unemployment rate in the USA was considerably higher than that of Japan in 2005 but after five years the rate became the almost the same in both countries. Now, turning to the details, exactly seven percent workforce in the USA was unemployed in 2005 which was almost thrice than the unemployment Japanese workforce. In March 2006, joblessness among the US citizens dropped by one percent while it increased to over 3.5 percent in Japan. Following that, the unemployment rate in the USA kept on decreasing with some fluctuations and reached to 5.5% in 2010 whereas an exactly opposite was the truth in the case of the Japan, where the percentage of jobless people steadily climbed until it reached to 5.5% in 2010. Interestingly, unemployment rates in the USA and Japan intersected each other by 2010 and with few minor rise and fall, both remained almost the same until the end of 2011, despite a huge gap, 4.5% to be more precise, in early 2005.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove repeated article Original: became the almost the same Suggested revision: became almost the same Why it matters: The phrase repeats the article the.
- 2. Clarify timing Original: after five years Suggested revision: by around 2010 Why it matters: This is more precise for the convergence point.
- 3. Missing preposition Original: seven percent workforce Suggested revision: seven percent of the workforce Why it matters: Use of after a percentage.
- 4. Correct comparison Original: almost thrice than Suggested revision: almost three times as high as Why it matters: Thrice than is not correct.
- 5. Awkward phrase Original: the unemployment Japanese workforce Suggested revision: the Japanese unemployment rate Why it matters: This is clearer and matches the chart.
- 6. Natural phrase Original: joblessness among the US citizens Suggested revision: the US unemployment rate Why it matters: This is simpler and more precise.
- 7. Use points Original: dropped by one percent Suggested revision: dropped by about one percentage point Why it matters: Rates should be compared in percentage points.
- 8. Academic tone Original: kept on decreasing Suggested revision: continued to decrease Why it matters: This is more formal.
- 9. Remove preposition Original: reached to 5.5% Suggested revision: reached 5.5% Why it matters: Reach is not followed by to.
- 10. Unnatural clause Original: an exactly opposite was the truth Suggested revision: the opposite was true Why it matters: This is the standard expression.
- 11. No article Original: the case of the Japan Suggested revision: the case of Japan Why it matters: Country names normally do not take the here.
- 12. Correct endpoint Original: until the end of 2011 Suggested revision: until March 2011 Why it matters: The chart ends in March 2011, not at the end of the year.
Suggested Rewrites
- became the almost the same became almost the same
- after five years by around 2010
- seven percent workforce seven percent of the workforce
- almost thrice than almost three times as high as
- the unemployment Japanese workforce the Japanese unemployment rate
- joblessness among the US citizens the US unemployment rate
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The response identifies the main contrast accurately: US unemployment fell from about 7% while Japan rose from about 2.5%, and the two rates converged around 2010-2011. Most figures are close, though the response sometimes says 2011 when the chart ends at March 2011 and overstates exactness.
Use approximate language consistently and specify that the final point is March 2011.
Coherence and Cohesion
The report has a clear overview and chronological detail. However, the body is one long paragraph and several transitions are wordy.
Divide the details into an early period up to 2008 and a convergence period from 2008 to March 2011.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is generally relevant, including unemployment rate, workforce, joblessness and intersected. Some phrases are unnatural, such as unemployment Japanese workforce and exact opposite was the truth.
Use Japanese unemployment rate, opposite trend and converged.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses complex sentences but contains article errors, comparative mistakes and awkward prepositions. Meaning remains mostly clear.
Proofread repeated words and comparative phrases such as three times as high as.