You have noticed a room at your company office that can be used as a relaxation room. Write a letter to your manager and ask to use the room for this purpose. In your letter: - explain why you are suggesting this - which room it is - what changes in the room will need to be done
Sample Response
Dear Mr Oscar, Hope all is well at your end. I work in the same department as yours under your supervision. Anyway, I am writing this letter to suggest that a room, which is occasionally used as a storage facility in the western corner of our office, can be used as an additional relaxation room for our staff. I am especially keen to use this room as an additional relaxation room because the room we already use for the same purpose seems to be rather small. As a result, a number of our staff is always seen to be roaming outside of our office which certainly doesn’t go well with the reputation and professionalism of our office staff. On the other hand, the unused room seems to be larger than the existing relaxation room, and all it needs is some good paint works, some nice furniture and a TV before it can be a fully functional relaxation room. We will also move the existing furniture to this room. So, if you like my suggestion, please let me know, and I would be more than happy to go ahead and turn this unused room into a nice recreational room for our valuable staff. Yours sincerely, Joseph Emanuel
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add the subject Original: Hope all is well Suggested revision: I hope all is well Why it matters: A complete formal sentence needs the subject I.
- 2. Use natural phrasing Original: same department as yours Suggested revision: your department Why it matters: Your department expresses this relationship more naturally and concisely.
- 3. Remove informal linker Original: Anyway, Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: Anyway is conversational and unnecessary in a formal request to a manager.
- 4. Remove unnecessary comma Original: a room, which Suggested revision: a room which Why it matters: The relative clause identifies which room is meant, so it should not be separated by a comma.
- 5. Fix agreement Original: a number of our staff is Suggested revision: a number of our staff members are Why it matters: A number of takes a plural verb, and staff members provides a clear countable noun.
- 6. Use professional wording Original: roaming outside of our office Suggested revision: spending their breaks outside the office Why it matters: This wording states the intended workplace behaviour more precisely and formally.
- 7. Use correct noun Original: paint works Suggested revision: painting Why it matters: Painting is the natural uncountable noun for the required decorating work.
- 8. Clarify the result Original: before it can be a fully functional Suggested revision: to make it a fully functional Why it matters: The infinitive clearly links the listed changes to their intended result.
- 9. Remove redundant detail Original: under your supervision Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: The manager already knows the supervisory relationship, so this phrase adds no useful information.
- 10. Make wording concise Original: can be used as an additional relaxation room for our staff Suggested revision: could serve as a second relaxation room for staff Why it matters: This revision expresses the proposal more directly and avoids unnecessary wording.
Suggested Rewrites
- Hope all is well I hope all is well
- same department as yours your department
- Anyway, Delete
- a room, which a room which
- a number of our staff is a number of our staff members are
- roaming outside of our office spending their breaks outside the office
Why this response received Band 7.0
The letter fully addresses the purpose, identifies the room, explains the need, and proposes practical changes in an appropriately polite register. Its clearest weakness is presentation: the response is delivered as one dense paragraph and includes some awkward or repetitive phrasing, so organise the request into clear paragraphs and refine collocations such as "paint works" and "a number of our staff is."
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The purpose is clear, all three bullet points are fully covered, and the polite request is supported with relevant detail.
Refine the opening and remove the casual transition "Anyway" to make the register consistently professional.
Coherence and Cohesion
The ideas follow a sensible sequence, but the single dense paragraph and the illogical use of "On the other hand" weaken cohesion.
Use separate paragraphs for the reason, room description, proposed changes, and closing request.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is sufficiently varied for the task, though repetition and awkward collocations such as "paint works" reduce precision.
Replace awkward wording with natural phrases such as "a fresh coat of paint" and vary repeated references to the relaxation room.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A good range of complex sentences is generally well controlled, with a few non-impeding agreement and phrasing errors.
Review agreement and noun phrases, especially "a number of staff are" and "the same department as you."
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS General Training Writing Task 1
You have noticed a room at your company office that can be used as a relaxation room. Write a letter to your manager and ask to use the room for this purpose. In your letter:
- explain why you are suggesting this
- which room it is
- what changes in the room will need to be done
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.