You have seen an advertisement inviting candidates to apply for a sales manager position. Write a letter to the manager of the company. In your letter: - state your interest in the position - describe your educational background - describe your relevant experience
Sample Response
Dear Sir or Madam, I have recently noticed your job advertisement for the post of sales manager at the Rubin Gorham Inc. and wish to apply for the position. I am hoping to meet you in person to further discuss my candidacy. I earned my bachelor degree in Marketing and Finance from Macquarie University in Sydney, Australia in 2015 and then migrated to the United Kingdom as a permanent resident to stay with my mother. Having finished my graduation in marketing and finance, I immediately joined Lucas Inc., a large car manufacturing company in Australia. I worked with them as a marketing executive for two and a half years and was promoted to the senior marketing researcher position after a year. I quit the job to move to the UK in early 2017. Now I am working as a sales lead for a manufacturing company in London. I am a self-motivated individual and love to make sales happen under my direct supervision. I manage a team of 8 members and take my responsibility religiously. I am quite positive that I would be a valuable asset to your company. I, herein, enclose my curriculum vitae which states my educational and professional details for your kind consideration.
I look forward to meeting you soon in a formal interview. Yours faithfully, Nicole Tyler
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove the article Original: at the Rubin Gorham Inc. Suggested revision: at Rubin Gorham Inc. Why it matters: A company name used as a proper noun does not normally take “the”.
- 2. Use possessive degree Original: my bachelor degree Suggested revision: my bachelor's degree Why it matters: The standard form for this qualification is “bachelor's degree”.
- 3. Keep details relevant Original: to stay with my mother Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: This personal reason for relocating does not support the job application or any required bullet point.
- 4. Use natural wording Original: Having finished my graduation Suggested revision: After graduating Why it matters: “Finish my graduation” is not a natural expression for completing a degree.
- 5. Clarify the employer Original: worked with them Suggested revision: worked for the company Why it matters: “Worked for” clearly identifies Lucas Inc. as the employer.
- 6. Use concise tense Original: Now I am working as Suggested revision: I currently work as Why it matters: The simple present with “currently” states an ongoing professional role concisely.
- 7. Use professional phrasing Original: love to make sales happen under my direct supervision Suggested revision: am committed to driving sales through effective team leadership Why it matters: This revision presents the same management claim in a more professional register.
- 8. Use concise wording Original: a team of 8 members Suggested revision: an eight-person team Why it matters: “An eight-person team” is more concise and formal in an application letter.
- 9. Correct the collocation Original: take my responsibility religiously Suggested revision: take my responsibilities seriously Why it matters: “Take responsibilities seriously” is the natural expression for conscientious conduct.
- 10. Remove awkward wording Original: I, herein, enclose Suggested revision: I enclose Why it matters: “Herein” is unnecessary and incorrectly set off by commas in this sentence.
Suggested Rewrites
- at the Rubin Gorham Inc. at Rubin Gorham Inc.
- my bachelor degree my bachelor's degree
- to stay with my mother Delete
- Having finished my graduation After graduating
- worked with them worked for the company
- Now I am working as I currently work as
Why this response received Band 7.5
The letter clearly establishes the application purpose and gives substantial, relevant detail about education, career progression, current leadership duties, and suitability for the role. Its main limitation is that all supporting information is concentrated in one long body paragraph and several expressions sound unnatural; the highest-priority improvement is to organise education and experience into distinct paragraphs while refining professional collocations.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The application purpose is clear, all bullet points are fully addressed, and detailed education and experience support the candidate’s suitability in an appropriate formal register.
Prioritise the qualifications most relevant to sales management and omit less useful personal background detail.
Coherence and Cohesion
The information follows a clear chronological and functional progression, but the education and employment details are compressed into one long body paragraph.
Separate educational background, previous experience, and current responsibilities into distinct paragraphs for easier reading.
Lexical Resource
The response uses varied professional vocabulary effectively, though phrases such as ‘finished my graduation’, ‘make sales happen’, and ‘take my responsibility religiously’ are unnatural.
Replace awkward combinations with idiomatic business language such as ‘completed my degree’, ‘drive sales’, and ‘take my responsibilities seriously’.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of sentence structures is used accurately, and the few minor article or phrasing slips do not impede communication.
Refine article use and possessive forms in expressions such as ‘a bachelor’s degree’ to achieve greater grammatical precision.
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IELTS General Training Writing Task 1
You have seen an advertisement inviting candidates to apply for a sales manager position. Write a letter to the manager of the company. In your letter:
- state your interest in the position
- describe your educational background
- describe your relevant experience
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.