Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Some people suggest that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from television broadcasts and international sporting competitions. I agree with the notion that such sports should be prohibited from these platforms due to the potential harm they can inflict on athletes and the promotion of aggressive behaviour as a form of entertainment.
One captivating reason for banning violent sports from TV and international competitions is the significant physical and psychological risks involved. Sports like boxing, wrestling and mixed martial arts are inherently dangerous, as they involve deliberate and forceful strikes to opponents' bodies. Such physical confrontations can lead to severe injuries, including concussions, fractures, and long-term brain damage. According to a comprehensive survey conducted by the American Journal of Sports Medicine, the injury rate in sports like boxing, wrestling, and mixed martial arts is remarkably high, with an average of 52.8 injuries reported per 1,000 athlete exposures.
Moreover, repeated exposure to violent sports may desensitize viewers to acts of aggression and violence, normalizing behaviors that can be harmful to society. According to a study conducted by the American Psychological Association, individuals who frequently watch violent sports on television or attend such events may experience a desensitization to acts of aggression and violence. Children and adolescents are particularly vulnerable to the impact of violent sports on their psychological development. Studies have shown that exposure to violence in sports at a young age can lead to an increase in aggressive behaviours.
In conclusion, the debate over whether violent sports should be banned from TV and international sporting events is a contentious one. However, I firmly believe that taking such measures is necessary to protect the physical and psychological well-being of athletes and to uphold ethical standards in society.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural collocation Original: captivating Suggested revision: compelling Why it matters: Compelling is the natural adjective for a persuasive reason.
- 2. Clarify risk source Original: physical and psychological risks involved Suggested revision: physical and psychological risks they pose Why it matters: The revision makes violent sports the clear source of the risks.
- 3. Use precise preposition Original: to Suggested revision: against Why it matters: Against more naturally describes forceful contact with a target.
- 4. Correct source wording Original: survey conducted by the American Journal of Sports Medicine Suggested revision: survey reported in the American Journal of Sports Medicine Why it matters: A journal reports or publishes research rather than conducting it.
- 5. Use objective wording Original: remarkably high Suggested revision: high Why it matters: Removing remarkably keeps the statistical description objective.
- 6. Use concise verb form Original: experience a desensitization to acts of aggression and violence Suggested revision: become desensitized to aggression and violence Why it matters: The verb form expresses the same idea more directly.
- 7. Remove empty noun Original: is a contentious one Suggested revision: is contentious Why it matters: The adjective can follow is directly without the placeholder one.
- 8. Sentence rewrite Original: I agree with the notion that such sports should be prohibited from these platforms due to the potential harm they can inflict on athletes and the promotion of aggressive behaviour as a form of entertainment. Suggested revision: I agree that such sports should be prohibited on television and at international competitions because they can harm athletes and promote aggressive behaviour as entertainment. Why it matters: The rewrite removes the vague reference and creates parallel reasons.
- 9. Sentence rewrite Original: Studies have shown that exposure to violence in sports at a young age can lead to an increase in aggressive behaviours. Suggested revision: Studies indicate that exposure to violent sports at a young age can increase aggressive behaviour. Why it matters: The rewrite removes wordiness while preserving the reported relationship.
- 10. Consolidate repeated point Suggested revision: Combine the first two sentences about desensitisation, then move directly to the distinct point about younger viewers. Why it matters: The paragraph repeats its central claim before progressing to the age-specific evidence.
Suggested Rewrites
- captivating compelling
- physical and psychological risks involved physical and psychological risks they pose
- to against
- survey conducted by the American Journal of Sports Medicine survey reported in the American Journal of Sports Medicine
- remarkably high high
- experience a desensitization to acts of aggression and violence become desensitized to aggression and violence
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay presents an unequivocal position and develops two complementary reasons for a ban: harm to athletes and the social effects of repeated exposure, each supported with specific evidence. Its strongest feature is focused, logical progression expressed in mostly precise academic language. The main refinement is to explain why a total ban is more proportionate than tighter regulation, while replacing the awkward phrase "captivating reason" and interpreting the cited evidence more directly.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear throughout, and both athlete safety and viewer desensitisation are fully developed with relevant evidence.
Briefly explain why safeguards or age restrictions would be insufficient and why removal from broadcasts and competitions is therefore justified.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas are logically sequenced across focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader without disrupting the argument.
Reduce small repetitions of "violent sports" and "acts of aggression and violence" through concise referencing.
Lexical Resource
The essay uses a broad and precise academic range, including language for injury, exposure, desensitisation, and psychological development, with only occasional awkward choice.
Replace "captivating reason" with "compelling reason" and use reporting phrases that clearly distinguish a study from the journal publishing it.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide variety of complex structures is used accurately, with only minor local lapses that do not affect clarity.
Polish parallel structures in the thesis and maintain consistent punctuation and spelling conventions throughout.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.