Multi-cultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Many people advocate for a multicultural society and say that such a society brings more advantages than demerits. I wholeheartedly agree with this view, and this essay aims to explain why.
First of all, when people from different ethnic groups live together in a country, their traditions and experiences are shared. People in such a society have better exposure to diverse works, skills and expertise which help make the country interesting while also creating a talented and skilled workforce. For instance, countries like the USA and the UK have multi-cultural societies and such social formation has created better skills, expertise and capabilities among people. As a result, such countries have rich cultural aspects and a workforce with multiple talents and skills.
Secondly, people who live in a multicultural society have a better understanding of different cultures, religions and lifestyles. This exposure makes them more tolerant towards differences. Thus a multicultural society in a country teaches people to respect different religions, traditions and beliefs.
Finally, people of different backgrounds and groups have different strengths. When they live in a society together, they benefit each other by sharing their strengths and such a multi-skilled population helps the country progress faster. For instance, a country like the USA benefits from its diverse range of ethnic groups who has unique strength and when these strengths are combined, the county is better prepared for social, political and economic progress.
To conclude, the advantages of a country having a multicultural population of diverse skills, cultures, and strengths offer a range of benefits while its disadvantages are minor. It is expected that nations would recognise these strenghs of having a multicultural population and foster harmony to reap its maximum benefit.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural contrast Original: demerits Suggested revision: disadvantages Why it matters: Disadvantages is the more natural counterpart to advantages in this context.
- 2. Improve collocation Original: better Suggested revision: greater Why it matters: Greater is the natural collocation for describing the degree of exposure.
- 3. Clarify meaning Original: diverse works Suggested revision: diverse working practices Why it matters: Works does not clearly express the kinds of practices people encounter.
- 4. Remove redundancy Original: a talented and skilled workforce Suggested revision: a capable workforce Why it matters: Talented and skilled repeat substantially the same idea here.
- 5. Use consistent spelling Original: multi-cultural societies Suggested revision: multicultural societies Why it matters: Use the closed form multicultural consistently throughout the essay.
- 6. Add article Original: such social formation Suggested revision: such a social structure Why it matters: A singular countable noun requires an article after such.
- 7. Refine repeated wording Original: better skills, expertise and capabilities Suggested revision: a broader range of skills and expertise Why it matters: This version avoids an unnatural use of better and reduces repetition.
- 8. Improve collocation Original: rich cultural aspects Suggested revision: a rich cultural life Why it matters: Rich cultural life is a natural expression for varied cultural activity.
- 9. Use natural phrasing Original: multiple Suggested revision: diverse Why it matters: Diverse describes the variety of abilities more naturally than multiple.
- 10. Punctuate linker Original: Thus a multicultural society Suggested revision: Thus, a multicultural society Why it matters: A comma should follow the introductory linking adverb thus.
- 11. Correct word order Original: live in a society together Suggested revision: live together in a society Why it matters: Place together after the verb for natural adverb position.
- 12. Add preposition Original: benefit each other Suggested revision: benefit from one another Why it matters: The intended reciprocal meaning requires benefit from.
Suggested Rewrites
- demerits disadvantages
- better greater
- diverse works diverse working practices
- a talented and skilled workforce a capable workforce
- multi-cultural societies multicultural societies
- such social formation such a social structure
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response maintains a clear position and organizes three relevant benefits into an easy-to-follow argument, with effective use of examples and a generally varied vocabulary. Development is sometimes repetitive and generic, while several awkward collocations and agreement errors reduce precision. The highest-priority improvement is to deepen one or two benefits with more specific causal explanation and then edit for natural word choice and subject-verb agreement.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is sustained and supported by relevant benefits, although some ideas and country examples remain broad or repetitive.
Develop fewer benefits more deeply by explaining specific mechanisms and outcomes rather than repeating claims about skills and strengths.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay follows a clear introduction-to-conclusion progression with distinct central ideas and generally effective linking.
Create stronger connections between the body points so they build a cumulative argument instead of reading as a numbered list.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary shows sufficient range for cultural and economic discussion, but awkward collocations and occasional spelling errors limit precision.
Choose more natural combinations for ideas such as cultural richness, workforce diversity, and mutual benefit, and proofread spelling.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Both simple and complex sentences communicate clearly, but agreement, pronoun, and noun-number errors recur in several passages.
Prioritize subject-verb agreement and singular-plural consistency, especially in sentences about ethnic groups and combined strengths.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Multi-cultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.