Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Because of more open policiesThanks to more widely open policies on economic activity and immigration in many countriesin economy and immigration of many countries, the 21st century has witnessed the rapid growthsurprisingly increasing formation of multicultural societies in which people from diverse ethnic backgrounds live togetherwhere a varying number of ethnic people stay together. Although it has both positive and negative effects onto a country, it seems to me that we are more likely to obtain more benefits than disadvantages from this kind of society. The more diverse the residents of a country are, the more cultural values they can share, thereby enhancingshare to enhance their awareness and knowledge of different cultures and traditionsawareness and knowledge of culture and tradition. People will engage more directly withget more directly engaged in understanding unique customs or rituals, attitudes to life and worklife and work attitudes from their foreign neighbours, colleagues and friends. As a consequence, they can adapt to cultural diversitythey enable to adapt the cultural diversity in order to develop their interpersonal skills and live closer to other cultures without having to live in another countrylive in person in another country. Additionally, once people can know more about each other through everyday interactions at work or schoolschools, severe conflicts or even warsthe severe conflicts or even wars will be remarkably alleviated. It is undeniable that there might behave some drawbacks that multicultural communities bring to a country. Racial disparity accelerated, the wealth-poverty gap deteriorated, different culture tensions are specific cases for what are the so-called drawbacks, but the inhabitants can overcome these when the government implement friendly-ethnic peoples’ policies, as well as the dwellers, have positive thoughts and behaviours to live compatibly with others. Stimulating multiculturalism in a society will offer more advantages than disadvantages to a countrynumerous advantages to a country rather than undesirable effects. Therefore, each individual should savour the rewarding experience of living in a multicultural communityevery rewarding moment of living in their multicultural community and proudly spread their unique traditions to friends from other countriesinternational friends to increase cultural diversityso as to increase the diversity.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a clear view that multiculturalism brings greater benefits and develops relevant points about cultural awareness, interpersonal understanding, and reduced conflict. However, the drawbacks are largely listed rather than explained, the single-block format weakens organisation, and frequent awkward or malformed expressions reduce clarity. The priority is to structure the essay into focused paragraphs and develop one concrete drawback before showing convincingly why the benefits still outweigh it.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The essay answers the question with a consistent position and develops several relevant benefits, but its discussion of racial and economic drawbacks is brief, unclear, and insufficiently supported.
Explain one plausible drawback in detail and then show how a specific policy or social response would mitigate it, making the comparative judgement more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a broadly logical movement from the position through benefits, drawbacks, and a conclusion, but presenting the entire essay as one paragraph obscures idea boundaries and local links are sometimes unclear.
Separate the introduction, benefits, drawbacks, and conclusion into paragraphs, each organised around one controlling idea and a clear progression of support.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a broad range of topic vocabulary, but frequent inaccurate collocations such as "adapt the cultural diversity," "different culture tensions," and "live compatibly" weaken precision.
Prefer natural expressions such as "adapt to cultural diversity," "intercultural tensions," and "live harmoniously," and verify that less familiar words fit the intended meaning.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted throughout, but frequent errors in verb patterns, agreement, articles, and clause formation sometimes make relationships between ideas difficult to follow.
Rewrite overloaded sentences as shorter complete clauses and check finite verbs, especially constructions such as "there might have" and "when the government implement."
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Multicultural societies, in which there is a mixture of different ethnic peoples, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.