The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.
Sample Response
There is no doubt that overweight children’s percentages rose by twenty percent in western world. There are several factors, which played role. Also, there are some effects of being overweight. On of the major factor that has contributed to increase in children’s weight is unhealthy food. Number of children eating unhealthy food is on the rise, and number of increasing fast food restaurants are responsible for that.These restaurant sell tasty food to attract children but these food contain unhealthy ingredients, for example, fat and salt. Secondly, some advertisements that encourage children to eat unhealthy diet. Lastly, children do not give time to out door activities because they spend more time watching television or playing games on computers at home, which led to sedentary lifestyle. As a result, children become overweight. Overweight children are prone to many problems. They are more likely to suffer from chronic diseases like high blood pressure and diabetes, during their late age of life. These conditions are life threatening. In addition, these children can be tortured at school by peers, which can have effects on their mental health like stress, anxiety and insomnia. These problems, in turn, often result in lower productivity at school. Futhermore, they are less likely to be selected for school’s sport team because selection team might concern about their fitness. In,factors like poor diet, sedentary lifestyle because of advance in technology has led to increase in overweight children, and these may cause serious physiological and psychological problems to children health.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural noun phrase Original: overweight children’s percentages Suggested revision: the percentage of overweight children Why it matters: This phrasing uses the standard structure for describing a proportion.
- 2. Add article and capital Original: in western world Suggested revision: in the Western world Why it matters: The geographical expression requires the definite article and a capital letter.
- 3. Fix relative clause Original: factors, which played role Suggested revision: factors that have played a role Why it matters: A defining relative clause and the article before role are required here.
- 4. Correct spelling Original: On Suggested revision: One Why it matters: The phrase begins with One, not On.
- 5. Use plural noun Original: factor Suggested revision: factors Why it matters: One of must be followed by a plural countable noun.
- 6. Add definite article Original: contributed to increase Suggested revision: contributed to the increase Why it matters: The specific increase already identified requires the definite article.
- 7. Add definite article Original: Number of children Suggested revision: The number of children Why it matters: The fixed expression for a quantity is the number of.
- 8. Fix growth expression Original: and number of increasing fast food restaurants Suggested revision: and the growing number of fast-food restaurants Why it matters: Growing number correctly expresses an increase in the number of restaurants.
- 9. Use plural noun Original: restaurant Suggested revision: restaurants Why it matters: The demonstrative These requires a plural noun.
- 10. Use uncountable form Original: these Suggested revision: this Why it matters: Food is uncountable here, so it takes the singular demonstrative this.
- 11. Add article Original: unhealthy diet Suggested revision: an unhealthy diet Why it matters: A singular countable use of diet requires an article.
- 12. Use natural collocation Original: do not give time to Suggested revision: do not spend time on Why it matters: Spend time on is the natural collocation for participation in activities.
Suggested Rewrites
- overweight children’s percentages the percentage of overweight children
- in western world in the Western world
- factors, which played role factors that have played a role
- On One
- factor factors
- contributed to increase contributed to the increase
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response addresses both causes and effects with a clear sequence and several relevant examples, particularly the links between diet, inactivity, physical health, and social harm. Its main limitation is frequent grammatical and word-choice error, alongside weak paragraphing, which makes some ideas sound imprecise. Prioritise dividing the essay into clear cause-and-effect paragraphs and editing sentences for articles, agreement, and natural collocations.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response covers several relevant causes and effects, though some points are briefly or imprecisely developed.
Develop each main cause and effect through a clear explanation of how it arises and why it matters.
Coherence and Cohesion
The ideas follow a recognisable causes-to-effects sequence, but the single block of text and some mechanical linking weaken organisation.
Use separate introduction, causes, effects, and conclusion paragraphs with clearer internal progression.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary is sufficient for the topic and includes some appropriate health terms, but spelling and collocation errors recur.
Proofread for word forms and replace awkward combinations with natural phrases such as physical activities and later life.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mixture of sentence forms conveys the main message, but frequent errors in articles, agreement, plurals, and punctuation reduce control.
Edit each sentence for subject-verb agreement and article use before checking punctuation and sentence boundaries.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.