The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.
Sample Response
Over the last ten years, western societies have seen close to a 20% rise in the number of children who are overweight. This essay will discuss some reasons why this has occurred and examine the consequences of this worrying trend.
The main cause of this problem is poor diet. Over the last decade there has been a prolific increase in the number of fast food restaurants. For example, on nearly every high street there is a MacDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut. The food in these places has been proven to be very unhealthy, and much of the advertising is targeted at children, thus ensuring that they constitute the bulk of the customers of these establishments. However, it is not only due to eating out, but also the type of diet many children have at home. A lot of food consumed is processed food, especially with regards to ready-made meals which are a quick and easy option for parents who are working hard.
The effects of this have been and will continue to be very serious. Firstly, there has been a large increase in health related diseases amongst children, especially diabetes. This debilitating illness means a child has to be injected with insulin for the rest of their life. Not only this, very overweight children often experience bullying from other children, which may affect their mental health. The negative stigma of being overweight may also affect self-esteem.
To sum up, it is evident that there are several causes of obesity amongst children, and a variety of negative effects. Society must ensure steps are taken to prevent this problem from deteriorating further.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct the collocation Original: prolific Suggested revision: substantial Why it matters: Prolific describes abundant production and does not naturally modify increase.
- 2. Use measured wording Original: proven Suggested revision: shown Why it matters: Shown is a more measured and natural verb for referring to evidence about health effects.
- 3. Clarify the pronoun Original: they Suggested revision: children Why it matters: They could refer to the advertising or the children, so repeating children removes the ambiguity.
- 4. Remove repetition Original: A lot of food consumed is processed food Suggested revision: Much of the food consumed is processed Why it matters: The revision avoids repeating food and uses a more formal quantifier.
- 5. Use the fixed phrase Original: regards Suggested revision: regard Why it matters: The standard expression in this context is with regard to.
- 6. Use a complete connector Original: Not only this Suggested revision: Furthermore Why it matters: Not only normally requires a paired but also structure, whereas Furthermore works independently here.
- 7. Use precise degree Original: very Suggested revision: severely Why it matters: Severely is a more precise modifier for the degree of being overweight.
- 8. Remove redundancy Original: negative stigma Suggested revision: stigma Why it matters: Stigma already carries a negative meaning, so the modifier is unnecessary.
- 9. Add the possessor Original: affect self-esteem Suggested revision: affect their self-esteem Why it matters: The possessive determiner is needed to identify whose self-esteem may be affected.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: For example, on nearly every high street there is a MacDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut. Suggested revision: For example, branches of McDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut can be found on nearly every high street. Why it matters: The rewrite fixes the singular agreement with a list and corrects the restaurant name.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: However, it is not only due to eating out, but also the type of diet many children have at home. Suggested revision: However, the problem is due not only to eating out but also to the diets many children have at home. Why it matters: The revision supplies a clear subject and creates a parallel not only ... but also structure.
Suggested Rewrites
- prolific substantial
- proven shown
- they children
- A lot of food consumed is processed food Much of the food consumed is processed
- regards regard
- Not only this Furthermore
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response is clear, well organised, and effectively explains dietary causes alongside serious physical and psychological effects, with strong control of complex sentences. Its main limitation is that the causes section is concentrated on one broad factor despite the conclusion referring to several causes; add a distinct second cause or frame the existing subcauses more explicitly, and replace a few imprecise collocations with more natural wording.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response explains poor diet in detail and develops several relevant effects, but the range of distinct causes is somewhat narrow.
Add and develop another clear cause, such as reduced physical activity, or explicitly distinguish fast-food exposure from home eating habits.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is easy to follow, with clear paragraph purposes, effective sequencing, and cohesive links that rarely draw attention to themselves.
Make the internal organisation of the causes paragraph even clearer by signalling its two separate dietary strands more explicitly.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and often precise, but a few choices such as prolific increase, with regards to, and health related are less natural or need correction.
Prefer natural academic collocations such as sharp increase, with regard to, and health-related conditions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex sentences with a high level of accuracy and only minor non-impeding errors.
Review long sentences for concise coordination and ensure compound modifiers and possessive references are consistently formed.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.