The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.
Sample Response
Over the last ten years, western societies have seen close to a 20% rise in the number of children who are overweight. This essay will discuss some reasons why this has occurred and examine the consequences of this worrying trend.
The main cause of this problem is poor diet. Over the last decade there has been a substantialprolific increase in the number of fast food restaurants. For example, on nearly every high street there is a MacDonald’s, Kentucky Fried Chicken and Pizza Hut. The food in these places has been shownproven to be very unhealthy, and much of the advertising is targeted at children, thus ensuring that childrenthey constitute the bulk of the customers of these establishments. However, it is not only due to eating out, but also the type of diet many children have at home. Much of the food consumed is processedA lot of food consumed is processed food, especially with regardregards to ready-made meals which are a quick and easy option for parents who are working hard.
The effects of this have been and will continue to be very serious. Firstly, there has been a large increase in health related diseases amongst children, especially diabetes. This debilitating illness means a child has to be injected with insulin for the rest of their life. FurthermoreNot only this, severelyvery overweight children often experience bullying from other children, which may affect their mental health. The stigmanegative stigma of being overweight may also affect their self-esteemaffect self-esteem.
To sum up, it is evident that there are several causes of obesity amongst children, and a variety of negative effects. Society must ensure steps are taken to prevent this problem from deteriorating further.
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response is clear, well organised, and effectively explains dietary causes alongside serious physical and psychological effects, with strong control of complex sentences. Its main limitation is that the causes section is concentrated on one broad factor despite the conclusion referring to several causes; add a distinct second cause or frame the existing subcauses more explicitly, and replace a few imprecise collocations with more natural wording.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response explains poor diet in detail and develops several relevant effects, but the range of distinct causes is somewhat narrow.
Add and develop another clear cause, such as reduced physical activity, or explicitly distinguish fast-food exposure from home eating habits.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is easy to follow, with clear paragraph purposes, effective sequencing, and cohesive links that rarely draw attention to themselves.
Make the internal organisation of the causes paragraph even clearer by signalling its two separate dietary strands more explicitly.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and often precise, but a few choices such as prolific increase, with regards to, and health related are less natural or need correction.
Prefer natural academic collocations such as sharp increase, with regard to, and health-related conditions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex sentences with a high level of accuracy and only minor non-impeding errors.
Review long sentences for concise coordination and ensure compound modifiers and possessive references are consistently formed.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.