Many criminals commit crimes after they were set free. Research indicates that the people who were convicted criminals would often commit crimes when they are set free. Why is this the case? What can be done to solve this issue? Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Sample Response
In today’s modern world, the crime rate in everywhere around the globe is increasing at an alarming rate. A recent report research has shown that the continual growth in crime rate is significantly due to a large proportion of criminals will re-offend when they are released from prison. It is, therefore, important for us to establish the practical ways to tackle this problem.
To some extent, I believe that if there is rehabilitation being done in jail, the criminals are unlikely to commit the crime again after they are out of the prison. Rehabilitation is crucial and must be carried out in jail to educate them what are the good values and what are the bad. This action will further encourage them to think about what they have done over the years. Once they realise what they did in the past are wrong, they will regret and may not re-offend whatsoever.
Nevertheless, I have brainstormed and come out with the ideas that could be proved useful in kerbing this problem. To begin, there should be a change in the crime-related legislation. Those who commit serious crimes should be given a lengthy sentence to prison so that they have no opportunity to re-offend. Undoubtedly, it will indirectly become a deterrent to the would-be offender and thus helps to reduce the possibility of commit crimes after they are released from jail. In addition, the government should also arrange paid job to the criminals after they set free from prison, it is owing to the reason that they will not be facing financial hardships. According to a recent study conducted in Malaysia, most of the criminals will re-offend only when they have financial problems.
In conclusion, I believe there are tonnes of ways government can take to cope with this problem and most of the criminals will not commit crimes again if they were given a chance to contribute to society like everyone else do and have a proper job to earn a living.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove redundant wording Original: In today’s modern world Suggested revision: In today’s world Why it matters: “Today’s” already conveys the idea of the modern period.
- 2. Remove the preposition Original: the crime rate in everywhere Suggested revision: the crime rate everywhere Why it matters: “Everywhere” functions as an adverb and does not take “in” here.
- 3. Use natural collocation Original: establish the practical ways Suggested revision: identify practical ways Why it matters: Writers identify ways to solve a problem rather than establish them.
- 4. Simplify the passive Original: if there is rehabilitation being done in jail Suggested revision: if rehabilitation is provided in prison Why it matters: The revision uses a clear and idiomatic passive construction.
- 5. Remove the article Original: the crime again Suggested revision: crime again Why it matters: “Crime” is used generally here and does not require “the”.
- 6. Use precise phrasing Original: out of the prison Suggested revision: released from prison Why it matters: This is the natural expression for leaving prison after serving a sentence.
- 7. Name the reference Original: This action Suggested revision: Such rehabilitation Why it matters: Naming the process gives the reference a clearer antecedent.
- 8. Fix subject agreement Original: are Suggested revision: was Why it matters: The nominal clause takes the singular verb “was”.
- 9. Complete the verb Original: they will regret Suggested revision: they will regret their actions Why it matters: “Regret” needs an object to express what the offenders feel sorry about.
- 10. Delete the intensifier Original: whatsoever Suggested revision: Delete Why it matters: “Whatsoever” is not idiomatic after “may not re-offend” in this sentence.
- 11. Use concise wording Original: brainstormed and come out with the ideas Suggested revision: developed several ideas Why it matters: The original expression is wordy and uses an unnatural verb combination.
- 12. Correct the verb form Original: could be proved useful Suggested revision: could prove useful Why it matters: The active construction “prove useful” means turn out to be useful.
Suggested Rewrites
- In today’s modern world In today’s world
- the crime rate in everywhere the crime rate everywhere
- establish the practical ways identify practical ways
- if there is rehabilitation being done in jail if rehabilitation is provided in prison
- the crime again crime again
- out of the prison released from prison
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response presents several relevant solutions and maintains a generally understandable line of argument, especially when discussing rehabilitation and employment. However, it only implies inadequate rehabilitation and financial hardship as causes, so the required explanation of why former prisoners reoffend remains substantially underdeveloped; frequent awkward constructions also reduce precision. The priority is to give a distinct, well-explained causes paragraph and link each cause clearly to a practical solution.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay offers relevant measures such as rehabilitation, longer sentences, and paid work, but gives only limited and indirect explanation of the causes of reoffending.
Develop at least two clear causes of reoffending before explaining how specific measures would address each one.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has a recognizable progression and paragraph structure, though the first body paragraph does not clearly perform its intended role and some links are mechanical.
Organize the essay into distinct causes and solutions paragraphs, using topic sentences that state each paragraph’s function precisely.
Lexical Resource
There is adequate range for the topic, but frequent spelling and collocational problems such as “kerbing” and “arrange paid job” weaken accuracy.
Prioritize accurate crime-related collocations and proofread word forms and spelling before adding more ambitious vocabulary.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Simple and complex structures are attempted, but recurring errors in clause construction, agreement, articles, and sentence boundaries reduce control.
Revise sentence boundaries and practise accurate subject-verb agreement and passive forms in complex sentences.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many criminals commit crimes after they were set free. Research indicates that the people who were convicted criminals would often commit crimes when they are set free. Why is this the case? What can be done to solve this issue? Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.