Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid?
Sample Response
It is a well-known fact that certain professions get paid more than others. Celebrities are especially known to receive high remuneration, which is sometimes argued to be too excessively high. Nevertheless, I agree that stars should be paid a large sum of money. There are a number of reasons why this should be the case. Firstly, they will carry a heavy burden by being constantly under the spotlight. While there are those who enjoy such attention, living under public scrutiny can be quite stressful for others. On top of that, it is quite likely that they will have no privacy, even in regard to their personal lives. Therefore, there should be an equal trade-off in the form of money for those sacrifices. Besides, their appearances are often broadcasted all over the world. For instance, the movie they starred in might be screened at hundreds of cinemas. Thus, the movie earnings itself would be high, so it would only make sense that they get high pay for playing in it. Even so, there are other professions that should also get high salary. One of these is the type of work that involves a great risk, such as miners who are at risk of being trapped inside a mine. In addition, jobs, where people's health is at stake, should also be rewarded with a reasonably high amount of money. For instance, doctors and psychologist who handle people's wellbeing or even lives should obtain high pay. This is because it might be demanding and exhausting to work in such professions. In conclusion, I agree that entertainers should be well-paid. On the other hand, other jobs that involve great harm or people's health should have a relatively high salary too.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove redundant intensifier Original: too excessively high Suggested revision: excessively high Why it matters: Too and excessively repeat the same degree meaning.
- 2. Fix word and verb Original: appearances are often broadcasted Suggested revision: performances are often broadcast Why it matters: Performances fits the context, and broadcast has the correct past participle form here.
- 3. Fix possessive structure Original: movie earnings itself Suggested revision: movie's earnings Why it matters: The possessive form correctly links the earnings to the movie and removes the mismatched reflexive pronoun.
- 4. Add article Original: get high salary Suggested revision: receive a high salary Why it matters: The singular count noun salary requires an article, and receive is more formal than get.
- 5. Remove incorrect comma Original: jobs, where Suggested revision: jobs where Why it matters: The restrictive relative clause directly identifies the jobs and should not be separated by a comma.
- 6. Use concise term Original: reasonably high amount of money Suggested revision: reasonably high salary Why it matters: Salary expresses the intended employment payment more concisely.
- 7. Use plural noun Original: psychologist Suggested revision: psychologists Why it matters: The coordinated profession should be plural to match doctors and the general reference.
- 8. Use natural collocation Original: handle people's wellbeing or even lives Suggested revision: are responsible for people's well-being or even their lives Why it matters: The replacement expresses professional responsibility with natural and precise wording.
- 9. Use additive link Original: On the other hand Suggested revision: In addition Why it matters: The final point adds another supported job category rather than contrasting with the preceding position.
- 10. Use present tense Original: they will carry Suggested revision: they carry Why it matters: The present simple is more suitable for this general claim about celebrities.
- 11. Use formal connector Original: On top of that Suggested revision: Furthermore Why it matters: Furthermore signals the additional point in a more formal register.
- 12. Use concise phrasing Original: in regard to their personal lives Suggested revision: regarding their personal lives Why it matters: The replacement is more concise while preserving the meaning.
Suggested Rewrites
- too excessively high excessively high
- appearances are often broadcasted performances are often broadcast
- movie earnings itself movie's earnings
- get high salary receive a high salary
- jobs, where jobs where
- reasonably high amount of money reasonably high salary
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response answers both questions, maintains a clear view, and gives relevant reasons for paying entertainers and certain other workers highly. However, presenting the entire essay as one paragraph weakens organisation, while recurring collocational and grammatical slips reduce precision. The highest-priority improvement is to separate the two parts of the argument into focused body paragraphs and then refine inaccurate phrases and agreement errors.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both parts of the task are addressed with a clear position and relevant support concerning privacy, revenue, risk, and responsibility.
Explain more precisely why each proposed profession merits high pay rather than relying on broad claims about stress or harm.
Coherence and Cohesion
The ideas follow a generally logical sequence and cohesive markers guide the reader, but the single-paragraph presentation obscures the essay's structure.
Use separate introduction, body, and conclusion paragraphs, with one body paragraph for each question.
Lexical Resource
There is a useful range of vocabulary, but awkward combinations such as 'too excessively high', 'movie earnings itself', and 'get high salary' recur.
Improve collocational accuracy and control of countable nouns when describing salaries, earnings, and professions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied sentence forms, but agreement, article, plurality, and punctuation errors occur noticeably while meaning remains clear.
Proofread noun phrases and subject-verb agreement, especially forms such as 'doctors and psychologist' and references to salaries.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people feel that entertainers (e.g. film stars, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.