These days many people leave their country to work abroad and take their family with them. Do you think benefits of this outweigh disadvantages in terms of family development?
Sample Response
The recent developments in the term called "Globalization" have rendered people with numerous opportunities. The world has become a small village from a big planet called earth. With these changes, more and more people are opting to work in foreign territories along with their families. This approach is considered to be beneficial according to some people in terms of family relationships. While others argue that it can lead to some negative effects and therefore they should not bring their families. Therefore, in order to decide that which approach is beneficial, we will analyse both sides. To begin with, not taking your family members with you can have many adverse effects. First of all, it can become a hindrance as regards to building strong relationships. For instance, if your family is not living with you, the distance can weaken the relationship. It may even end up in separation as some people cannot bear long distance relationships. Secondly, it can put extra financial burden on the families. In exemplification, it is often seen that persons living and working in abroad can share their accommodations with others and hence have to pay lesser rents. On the other hand, if families are taken, then they have to rent an entire house. This can be especially burdensome in case a person has a big family. Finally, the members of the family have to face several problems in an alien country. Exemplifying that, it is often observed that children and older people have to experience cultural shocks and language barriers when they migrate to a new country. Similarly, this practice can facilitate one with multiple facilities. First and foremost is that it can be really helpful in case a person feels homesick. Having your loved ones near to you can bring you emotional support and it will also help us to strengthen our bonds. What is more, a person can become financially strong. As having more members mean higher income. Last but not least, it will be truly helpful for the children because they need the love and care of both parents and this age needs to be emphasised more. Also, they can get a better education and work opportunity by living in a developed country. At last, it can be concluded that both approaches have pros and cons in relation to family matters. I personally believe that the choice should be left for the person to decide. If he is financially capable of shouldering the responsibility, then taking the blood relatives is the best choice. And if he is unable to do so, it is better to go alone initially. However, the family should be called as soon as possible.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Natural wording Original: in the term called "Globalization" Suggested revision: in globalization Why it matters: This phrase is wordy and unnatural.
- 2. Incorrect comparison Original: a small village from a big planet Suggested revision: a small village rather than a vast planet Why it matters: The comparison needs a clearer structure.
- 3. Capitalization Original: earth Suggested revision: Earth Why it matters: Use a capital letter for the planet name.
- 4. Word choice Original: foreign territories Suggested revision: foreign countries Why it matters: "Foreign countries" is more natural for this context.
- 5. Sentence fragment Original: While others argue Suggested revision: Others argue Why it matters: This is a fragment because it is not attached to a main clause.
- 6. Remove extra word Original: decide that which approach Suggested revision: decide which approach Why it matters: Do not use both "that" and "which" here.
- 7. Preposition pattern Original: as regards to Suggested revision: as regards Why it matters: The fixed expression is "as regards" or "with regard to".
- 8. Awkward phrase Original: In exemplification Suggested revision: For example Why it matters: This linking phrase sounds unnatural.
- 9. Preposition error Original: working in abroad Suggested revision: working abroad Why it matters: "Abroad" does not take "in".
- 10. Natural collocation Original: lesser rents Suggested revision: lower rent Why it matters: Use "lower rent" for cost.
- 11. Wrong connector Original: Similarly, this practice Suggested revision: On the other hand, taking family abroad Why it matters: "Similarly" does not show the contrast between disadvantages and benefits.
- 12. Sentence fragment Original: As having more members mean higher income. Suggested revision: Having more working family members can mean a higher household income. Why it matters: The original is a fragment and has agreement errors.
Suggested Rewrites
- in the term called "Globalization" in globalization
- a small village from a big planet a small village rather than a vast planet
- earth Earth
- foreign territories foreign countries
- While others argue Others argue
- decide that which approach decide which approach
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The essay covers both advantages and disadvantages and gives a practical final view, but it does not directly decide whether the benefits outweigh the disadvantages until a conditional conclusion.
State your position in the introduction and return to that same position in every body paragraph.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas generally progress, but the first body paragraph mixes arguments about leaving family behind with arguments about taking family abroad, which weakens the logic.
Use one paragraph for disadvantages of taking family abroad and one paragraph for benefits, with clear topic sentences.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate for the topic, but several phrases are unnatural or over-formal, such as "in exemplification" and "blood relatives".
Prefer natural academic wording and avoid memorised phrases that do not fit the sentence.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is usually clear, but article use, prepositions, sentence fragments, and agreement errors appear regularly.
Edit for complete sentences and check plural nouns, articles, and preposition patterns.