These days many people leave their country to work abroad and take their family with them. Do you think benefits of this outweigh disadvantages in terms of family development?
Sample Response
Nowadays, many people migrate to other countries to work, and in many cases, they take their family members with them as well. There are some positive and negative things about this trend, but in my personal opinion it has more advantages than the disadvantages and the following essay will discuss them both in details.
For a number of reasons, many people believe that working overseas and take their families bring a lot of benefits for them. Firstly, many people believe that by working overseas, they will earn higher incomes. As a consequence, their families' standard of living and economic condition will improve, especially for people who migrate from third world countries to advanced countries. Secondly, some people are moving to another country due to in the new country, their children will get a better education. For instance, some people from Indonesia are migrating to Australia as permanent residences and work there due to they are hoping that their children could have the opportunity to study in world-class universities there. And lastly, working overseas will enrich and broaden the life experience of the workers and their families. They could have the chance to visit many great and historical places in the new country, learn a new language and make many new friends.
Despite all the positive things about working overseas and bringing the family members, there are some negative things that people should notice. There is a chance of a culture shock for the family members, as there may be some traditions and customs that might not be fit with them. For example, many western people might not be accustomed to the culture of the Japanese people who will bend their head when they meet other people. And then, there might be some difficulties for the worker and the family members in adapting with the local foods. Many western people are not comfortable with the Asian foods due to most of them are using spices and chilli.
In conclusion, it is true that numbers of people who are migrating overseas are increasing these days, and mostly they bring their families with them. Bringing family members to another country has its own positive and negative sides, but I believe that there are more benefits than the drawbacks, as long as we would learn to adjust and adapt to the new culture and environment.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use precise wording Original: positive and negative things Suggested revision: advantages and disadvantages Why it matters: This sounds more academic and avoids the informal word things.
- 2. Uncountable noun Original: discuss them both in details Suggested revision: discuss both in detail Why it matters: Detail is normally uncountable in this phrase.
- 3. Parallel verbs Original: working overseas and take their families bring Suggested revision: working overseas and taking their families brings Why it matters: The gerund forms must be parallel, and the subject is a whole idea.
- 4. Modern term Original: third world countries Suggested revision: developing countries Why it matters: Developing countries is a more neutral and current expression.
- 5. Cause clause Original: due to in the new country Suggested revision: because in the new country Why it matters: Due to should be followed by a noun phrase, not a full clause.
- 6. Wrong noun Original: permanent residences Suggested revision: permanent residents Why it matters: People are residents; residences are places where people live.
- 7. Natural phrase Original: customs that might not be fit with them Suggested revision: customs that might not fit them Why it matters: Fit is used directly here, without be or with.
- 8. Preposition choice Original: in adapting with the local foods Suggested revision: in adapting to local food Why it matters: Adapt normally takes to, and food is usually uncountable here.
- 9. Sharper thesis Original: There are some positive and negative things about this trend, but in my personal opinion it has more advantages than the disadvantages and the following essay will discuss them both in details. Suggested revision: Although moving abroad with family can create cultural and practical difficulties, I believe the educational, financial, and personal benefits for the family usually outweigh these drawbacks. Why it matters: This states the position and previews family-related reasons more directly.
- 10. Fix sentence control Original: For a number of reasons, many people believe that working overseas and take their families bring a lot of benefits for them. Suggested revision: For several reasons, many people believe that working overseas and taking their families with them brings significant benefits. Why it matters: The original has parallel-verb and agreement errors.
- 11. Explain impact Original: And lastly, working overseas will enrich and broaden the life experience of the workers and their families. Suggested revision: Finally, living overseas can broaden the family's experience by exposing children and parents to new languages, social norms, and educational expectations. Why it matters: The idea is relevant, but it needs clearer development of family benefits.
- 12. Academic phrasing Original: And then, there might be some difficulties for the worker and the family members in adapting with the local foods. Suggested revision: They may also find it difficult to adapt to local food and everyday habits. Why it matters: The revised version is more concise and uses the correct verb pattern.
Suggested Rewrites
- positive and negative things advantages and disadvantages
- discuss them both in details discuss both in detail
- working overseas and take their families bring working overseas and taking their families brings
- third world countries developing countries
- due to in the new country because in the new country
- permanent residences permanent residents
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response clearly answers the outweigh question and gives relevant benefits and disadvantages. Development is sufficient, but some examples are general and the family-development angle could be sharper.
Make each body paragraph explicitly connect back to family development, such as children's education, family stability, identity, and adjustment.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing is logical and progression is generally clear. Cohesive devices are sometimes mechanical or inaccurate, which weakens flow.
Use fewer formulaic linkers and build smoother links between cause, result, and example within each paragraph.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is adequate and topic-related, with some effective phrases, but there are repeated word choices and several awkward collocations.
Replace repeated basic phrases like positive and negative things with precise nouns such as benefits, drawbacks, pressures, and opportunities.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex sentences is attempted, but frequent grammar and word-form errors reduce accuracy.
Prioritise subject-verb agreement, noun forms, and accurate clauses after due to, especially in longer explanatory sentences.