Throughout history, male leaders have led us into violence and conflict. If a society is governed by female leaders it will be more peaceful. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Sample Response
Many are of the opinion the male inclination towards violence is the root of many international conflicts and societies ruled by women might be more peaceful. In my opinion, this is likely true.
The reason that some oppose this seemingly sexist viewpoint is based on past examples of female leaders. The sample size is much smaller but leaders like Margaret Thatcher, Cleopatra, Hilary Clinton, Condoleezza Rice, Queen Elisabeth I, Joan d’Arc and countless others have started, maintained, and escalated violent conflicts. There are very few examples of peaceful female leaders and those that exist can be matched proportionally with male leaders. The claim that women are more peaceful is not supported by historical evidence. A major caveat is that these are the exceptions and women rulers have held power in a world otherwise dominated by male hierarchy. It is impossible to know how peaceful the world would be if women held the majority of powerful positions.
Furthermore, men are naturally predisposed towards aggression. This stems from both biology and society. Men produce more testosterone than women and this has been shown to increase aggressive tendencies and violent behaviour. Men can curb this instinct but it has the potential to undermine their better nature at any moment. There are also societal forces at work that play on men’s pride. From a young age, boys are raised to be tough, to not back down, to not compromise and to idealise violent heroes. The majority of male role models are violent, ranging from historic figures to action stars and even videogame characters. It is hard to disentangle the roles of nature and nurture clearly but the end product of their combination is clear for both males and females.
In conclusion, males are more violent and women would likely be more peaceful given the opportunity to rule widely. The question of the desirability of ending all conflicts and its global impact is another matter.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Add reporting conjunction Original: of the opinion the male Suggested revision: of the opinion that the male Why it matters: The noun 'opinion' needs 'that' before the following clause.
- 2. Clarify reference Original: this is likely true Suggested revision: this claim is likely true Why it matters: Naming the claim makes the reference clearer than the pronoun 'this' alone.
- 3. Add missing article Original: dominated by male hierarchy Suggested revision: dominated by a male hierarchy Why it matters: The singular countable noun 'hierarchy' requires an article.
- 4. Improve collocation Original: undermine their better nature Suggested revision: override their better judgement Why it matters: 'Override their better judgement' expresses the intended conflict with instinct more naturally.
- 5. Place adverb clearly Original: disentangle the roles of nature and nurture clearly Suggested revision: clearly disentangle the roles of nature and nurture Why it matters: Placing 'clearly' before the verb avoids an ambiguous attachment at the end of the phrase.
- 6. Use concise wording Original: end product of their combination Suggested revision: result of their interaction Why it matters: This phrase states the relationship between nature and nurture more precisely and concisely.
- 7. Improve collocation Original: clear for both males and females Suggested revision: evident in both males and females Why it matters: Effects are more naturally described as being evident in people rather than clear for them.
- 8. Use natural expression Original: rule widely Suggested revision: govern on a wider scale Why it matters: 'Govern on a wider scale' more naturally conveys holding power across more societies.
- 9. Sentence rewrite Original: The sample size is much smaller but leaders like Margaret Thatcher, Cleopatra, Hilary Clinton, Condoleezza Rice, Queen Elisabeth I, Joan d’Arc and countless others have started, maintained, and escalated violent conflicts. Suggested revision: The sample of female leaders is much smaller, but leaders such as Margaret Thatcher, Cleopatra, Hilary Clinton, Condoleezza Rice, Queen Elisabeth I, Joan d’Arc and countless others have started, maintained and escalated violent conflicts. Why it matters: The revision identifies what the sample contains and marks the contrast between the clauses clearly.
- 10. Sentence rewrite Original: There are very few examples of peaceful female leaders and those that exist can be matched proportionally with male leaders. Suggested revision: There are very few examples of peaceful female leaders, and a proportionate number of peaceful male leaders can also be found. Why it matters: The original passive comparison incorrectly treats male leaders as the object used to match examples.
- 11. Sentence rewrite Original: The question of the desirability of ending all conflicts and its global impact is another matter. Suggested revision: Whether ending all conflicts is desirable, and what global impact this would have, is another matter. Why it matters: The revision clarifies the two coordinated questions and the reference of 'its'.
Suggested Rewrites
- of the opinion the male of the opinion that the male
- this is likely true this claim is likely true
- dominated by male hierarchy dominated by a male hierarchy
- undermine their better nature override their better judgement
- disentangle the roles of nature and nurture clearly clearly disentangle the roles of nature and nurture
- end product of their combination result of their interaction
Why this response received Band 8.0
The essay sustains a clear position while engaging thoughtfully with counterevidence, and its discussion of biological and social influences is detailed and logically connected. Some historical assertions are overgeneralised, and the final sentence introduces an undeveloped issue beyond the central question. The strongest improvement would be to qualify contentious examples more carefully and finish by synthesising only the argument actually established.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The question is fully addressed through a clear opinion, a considered counterargument, and substantial support for the main position.
Qualify broad historical claims and remove the undeveloped final comment about whether ending conflict is desirable.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument progresses clearly from counterevidence to the writer's main reasoning, with effective paragraphing and referencing.
Create a tighter conclusion that synthesises the two body paragraphs without opening a separate line of inquiry.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a wide and precise academic vocabulary flexibly, despite a few awkward or overly broad formulations.
Refine collocations such as male hierarchy and rule widely, and avoid absolute wording where the evidence is necessarily uncertain.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentence forms are varied and mostly controlled, although a few article, complement, and phrasing errors remain.
Proofread constructions such as are of the opinion that and use more natural grammatical framing for comparative claims.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Throughout history, male leaders have led us into violence and conflict. If a society is governed by female leaders it will be more peaceful. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.