Some schools agree that fast-food restaurants and supermarkets can promote their products in school and that schools benefit from it. Is it a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
Some schools are of the opinion that they can profit from fast food outlets and supermarkets just offering their products in schools. In my opinion, this statement has both positive and negative consequences and I tend to believe that it can affect both negatively and positively for several reasons.
When fast-food courts and markets offer their food in schools, schools can benefit from them gaining some amount of money investing in school development and creating facilities for schools such as building a gym, new rooms for learning, buying computers, gadgets, refreshing library, gaining new books and hiring qualified teachers for pupils. Indeed teachers naturally will teach them with contemporary and advanced methods in that case. This investment presumably will promote children’s progress during studying in school and apparently they will have a much more competitive advantage than other pupils. Furthermore, supermarkets providing their foods in schools can advertise their goods, attract new customers and create new workplaces for people.
Nowadays the majority of fast-food courts and supermarkets offer unhealthy packed and junk food which is an ever-increasing problem and extremely harmful for people. Fast food outlets and supermarkets distributing those kinds of products to schools will presumably affect pupil’s health generating diseases which will influence their health in the future. Hence, the government should define the list of goods which must be distributed to schools and do not contain harmful organisms in foods.
In conclusion, the health of children is the most important aspect and far-reaching problem, therefore the decision which one is important, the health of children or investment for children, must be comprehensively discussed.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove vague intensifier Original: just offering their products in schools Suggested revision: offering their products in schools Why it matters: The word “just” is vague and unnecessary in this context.
- 2. Complete the verb phrase Original: affect both negatively and positively Suggested revision: have both negative and positive effects Why it matters: The replacement supplies the object needed to express the two kinds of effects clearly.
- 3. Add introductory comma Original: Indeed teachers Suggested revision: Indeed, teachers Why it matters: A comma should follow the introductory linking word.
- 4. Place adverb naturally Original: naturally will teach Suggested revision: will naturally teach Why it matters: The adverb normally follows the modal auxiliary in this verb phrase.
- 5. Clarify result link Original: in that case Suggested revision: as a result Why it matters: This connector makes the cause-and-effect relationship with the investment explicit.
- 6. Use concise time phrase Original: during studying in school Suggested revision: at school Why it matters: The original phrase is unnatural for describing pupils’ educational progress.
- 7. Correct comparison preposition Original: than Suggested revision: over Why it matters: “Advantage” takes “over” when another group is the comparison.
- 8. Fix modifier and noun Original: supermarkets providing their foods in schools Suggested revision: supermarkets that provide food in schools Why it matters: A relative clause is clearer here, and “food” is normally uncountable in this sense.
- 9. Use precise employment term Original: workplaces Suggested revision: jobs Why it matters: “Jobs” accurately names the employment opportunities being created.
- 10. Use correct word form Original: packed Suggested revision: packaged Why it matters: “Packaged” is the appropriate adjective for food sold in packages.
- 11. Correct harmful preposition Original: for Suggested revision: to Why it matters: The adjective “harmful” takes the preposition “to.”
- 12. Use plural possessive Original: pupil’s health Suggested revision: pupils’ health Why it matters: The discussion concerns multiple pupils, so a plural possessive is required.
Suggested Rewrites
- just offering their products in schools offering their products in schools
- affect both negatively and positively have both negative and positive effects
- Indeed teachers Indeed, teachers
- naturally will teach will naturally teach
- in that case as a result
- during studying in school at school
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response identifies relevant financial and health consequences and organises them into a broadly understandable discussion. Its main limitation is that the position remains unresolved: both the introduction and conclusion avoid deciding whether the development is positive or negative. The highest priority is to state a clear overall judgement and support it by explaining why one set of consequences outweighs the other.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both benefits and harms are relevant, but the required overall judgement is unclear and several claims receive limited support.
Choose a definite positive or negative position and compare the significance of the competing consequences throughout the response.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has a clear paragraph sequence, although some long sentences and loosely connected claims weaken progression within paragraphs.
Give each paragraph one controlling idea and divide long chains of explanation into clearly linked sentences.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary covers the topic adequately and shows some range, but inaccurate collocations and repetitive wording reduce precision.
Use more natural combinations such as school funding, unhealthy food, and long-term health consequences, while avoiding repeated nouns.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mixture of sentence forms communicates the main ideas, but agreement, article, possessive, and clause-control errors recur.
Prioritise accurate clause boundaries and check subject-verb agreement, articles, and plural possessives during revision.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some schools agree that fast-food restaurants and supermarkets can promote their products in school and that schools benefit from it. Is it a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.