Some schools agree that fast-food restaurants and supermarkets can promote their products in school and that schools benefit from it. Is it a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
With the tremendous growth of fast-food cafes and malls, there has also been a trend to include schools in promotinginclude the schools in the promotion of their products. Some opine that schools benefit financially from these promotionsthe schools enjoy the profit from them while others argue that the schools should be kept free of such promotionskept free from them. I, however, believe that there are advantages and disadvantages that are broadly balancedprobably equal pros and cons.
On the one hand, schools' financial resources will improvethe economic standards of the schools will be uplifted by their collaboration with restaurants and supermarkets. This is because these companiesThis is because of these companies, in exchange for their promotional activities, offer commissions to the school administration, whichcommissions to the school administration which can be used to improveutilised in improving infrastructurethe infrastructures, providing scholarships to students in needthe needy ones, subsidising the tuition fees. Consequentlyfees etc. consequently, the students will be at an advantagestudents will be in advantage.
On the other hand, there might be serious negative consequences. Firstly, students' valuable timethe precious time of students that should be used to masterwhich is to be utilised in mastering the academic subjects will be consumed by corporate advertisingtaken up by the corporate advertisements. Secondly, the school administration can rarely ensure that the products of these companies are beneficial for childrenbeneficial for the kids and finally, these kinds of activities might entice young people to buylure the young brains in buying extravagant items and put pressure on parentspressure on the parents to buy them. For example, once in my brother’s school, a company came to promote an encyclopedia worth $800promote encyclopedia worth $800 which compelled my parents to spend such a large amountspend that high amount although we already had one.
In conclusion, allowing commercial promotions in the schools can benefit them financially as well as have negative effects on pupilsimpose negative impacts on pupils. Thus, the school authority ought to make careful decisions about permitting such promotionsdecisions on allowing them.
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response develops both the financial benefit and several risks of commercial promotion, with a relevant personal example and a clear recommendation for cautious decision-making. Its main limitation is recurrent awkward collocation and grammatical inaccuracy within otherwise ambitious sentences; the priority is to refine sentence structure and word choice so the balanced position is expressed more naturally and precisely.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response directly examines benefits and drawbacks, maintains a qualified balanced position, and supports its concerns with a relevant example.
Sharpen the final judgement by specifying the conditions under which school promotions should be allowed or rejected.
Coherence and Cohesion
Clear paragraphing and a logical one-side versus other-side progression make the response easy to follow, although some sequencing is mechanical.
Use more flexible transitions and divide the long list of disadvantages into more evenly developed points.
Lexical Resource
A good range of topic vocabulary supports the argument, but awkward collocations such as economic standards and young brains limit precision.
Replace unnatural phrases with precise alternatives such as school finances, facilities, and impressionable students.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex sentences, but errors in clause construction, articles, agreement, and prepositions appear repeatedly.
Review complex sentences for complete clause patterns and accurate article and preposition choices.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some schools agree that fast-food restaurants and supermarkets can promote their products in school and that schools benefit from it. Is it a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.