Some schools agree that fast-food restaurants and supermarkets can promote their products in school and that schools benefit from it. Is it a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
With the tremendous growth of fast-food cafes and malls, there has also been a trend to include the schools in the promotion of their products. Some opine that the schools enjoy the profit from them while others argue that the schools should be kept free from them. I, however, believe that there are probably equal pros and cons.
On the one hand, the economic standards of the schools will be uplifted by their collaboration with restaurants and supermarkets. This is because of these companies, in exchange for their promotional activities, offer commissions to the school administration which can be utilised in improving the infrastructures, providing scholarships to the needy ones, subsidising the tuition fees etc. consequently, the students will be in advantage.
On the other hand, there might be serious negative consequences. Firstly, the precious time of students which is to be utilised in mastering the academic subjects will be taken up by the corporate advertisements. Secondly, the school administration can rarely ensure that the products of these companies are beneficial for the kids and finally, these kinds of activities might lure the young brains in buying extravagant items and put pressure on the parents to buy them. For example, once in my brother’s school, a company came to promote encyclopedia worth $800 which compelled my parents to spend that high amount although we already had one.
In conclusion, allowing commercial promotions in the schools can benefit them financially as well as impose negative impacts on pupils. Thus, the school authority ought to make careful decisions on allowing them.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use gerund structure Original: include the schools in the promotion Suggested revision: include schools in promoting Why it matters: The gerund expresses the schools' participation directly, and general 'schools' needs no article.
- 2. Clarify the benefit Original: the schools enjoy the profit from them Suggested revision: schools benefit financially from these promotions Why it matters: The revision removes the vague pronoun and uses a natural financial collocation.
- 3. Clarify the restriction Original: kept free from them Suggested revision: kept free of such promotions Why it matters: 'Free of' is the natural collocation, and the noun phrase identifies what should be excluded.
- 4. Use formal comparison Original: probably equal pros and cons Suggested revision: advantages and disadvantages that are broadly balanced Why it matters: The revision expresses the balanced judgement in a more formal register.
- 5. Use precise financial wording Original: the economic standards of the schools will be uplifted Suggested revision: schools' financial resources will improve Why it matters: 'Financial resources' accurately names what commissions increase.
- 6. Remove incorrect preposition Original: This is because of these companies Suggested revision: This is because these companies Why it matters: A finite clause after 'because' does not take 'of'.
- 7. Set off added clause Original: commissions to the school administration which Suggested revision: commissions to the school administration, which Why it matters: The non-defining clause about using the commissions should be separated by a comma.
- 8. Use infinitive purpose Original: utilised in improving Suggested revision: used to improve Why it matters: The infinitive naturally expresses how the commissions can be used.
- 9. Use uncountable noun Original: the infrastructures Suggested revision: infrastructure Why it matters: 'Infrastructure' is normally uncountable when referring to a school's facilities generally.
- 10. Name recipients respectfully Original: the needy ones Suggested revision: students in need Why it matters: The revision clearly and respectfully identifies the scholarship recipients.
- 11. End and capitalize Original: fees etc. consequently Suggested revision: fees. Consequently Why it matters: Removing the vague abbreviation and capitalising the next sentence fixes the boundary.
- 12. Use fixed expression Original: students will be in advantage Suggested revision: students will be at an advantage Why it matters: The fixed expression is 'at an advantage'.
Suggested Rewrites
- include the schools in the promotion include schools in promoting
- the schools enjoy the profit from them schools benefit financially from these promotions
- kept free from them kept free of such promotions
- probably equal pros and cons advantages and disadvantages that are broadly balanced
- the economic standards of the schools will be uplifted schools' financial resources will improve
- This is because of these companies This is because these companies
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response develops both the financial benefit and several risks of commercial promotion, with a relevant personal example and a clear recommendation for cautious decision-making. Its main limitation is recurrent awkward collocation and grammatical inaccuracy within otherwise ambitious sentences; the priority is to refine sentence structure and word choice so the balanced position is expressed more naturally and precisely.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response directly examines benefits and drawbacks, maintains a qualified balanced position, and supports its concerns with a relevant example.
Sharpen the final judgement by specifying the conditions under which school promotions should be allowed or rejected.
Coherence and Cohesion
Clear paragraphing and a logical one-side versus other-side progression make the response easy to follow, although some sequencing is mechanical.
Use more flexible transitions and divide the long list of disadvantages into more evenly developed points.
Lexical Resource
A good range of topic vocabulary supports the argument, but awkward collocations such as economic standards and young brains limit precision.
Replace unnatural phrases with precise alternatives such as school finances, facilities, and impressionable students.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex sentences, but errors in clause construction, articles, agreement, and prepositions appear repeatedly.
Review complex sentences for complete clause patterns and accurate article and preposition choices.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Some schools agree that fast-food restaurants and supermarkets can promote their products in school and that schools benefit from it. Is it a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.