Average life span of the human in many developing countries is increasing. Is this is a positive or negative development? Will this increased life expectancy have any social and personal issue? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.
Sample Response
People in the first-world countries tend to live longer these days. Although this might be a good sign that the overall health has improved, it also brings some issues to the world. The essay will discuss the downsides of having ageing populations, as well as the solutions to combat these problems. There are two disadvantages of having the ageing population. Firstly, the elderly would need more retirement fund than it might be previously expected, because they might need to rely on their pension for an extended period of time, such as for twenty years instead of merely fifteen years. Sadly, a recent survey reported that older people do not prepare sufficient funds to pay for their post-retirement expenses. As such, they might end up having financial problems later in life. Secondly, society might need more space for housing as the number of people living in this world continues to rise. This, in turn, might cause land or house prices to rise, making it less affordable for people to purchase. Nevertheless, there are some measures that could be implemented to alleviate the negative effects. One of them is to provide affordable nursing homes so its cost will not be too burdensome to the family or the elderly themselves. This should also be supported by the growth in aged-care professions to ensure the welfare of the aged. In addition, superannuations need to be updated to suit the current condition of the ageing population. An example of this would be to start a campaign to promote early investment plan and financial savings. Hence, the young or the middle-aged can start preparing their retirement funds in order to accumulate enough savings to finance themselves. In conclusion, while there are some issues brought by the higher life expectancy, there are some methods to solve the problems. These need to be done in order to guarantee the welfare of the aged.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove unnecessary article Original: the overall health Suggested revision: overall health Why it matters: “Overall health” is used as a general uncountable concept here.
- 2. Use natural phrasing Original: brings some issues to the world Suggested revision: creates some problems Why it matters: This replacement states the same idea more directly and idiomatically.
- 3. Correct article choice Original: the Suggested revision: an Why it matters: The first general mention of a singular countable population requires “an”.
- 4. Fix noun phrase Original: more retirement fund Suggested revision: a larger retirement fund Why it matters: A singular countable “fund” needs an article, and “larger” expresses the comparison.
- 5. Fix verb sequence Original: than it might be previously expected Suggested revision: than might previously have been expected Why it matters: The perfect passive form correctly places the earlier expectation in the past.
- 6. Use accurate collocation Original: do not prepare sufficient funds Suggested revision: have not saved sufficient funds Why it matters: People save funds for retirement rather than “prepare” them.
- 7. Clarify object reference Original: it Suggested revision: housing Why it matters: The pronoun “it” has no clear singular referent, so the noun should be stated.
- 8. Match plural antecedent Original: its Suggested revision: their Why it matters: The possessive pronoun must agree with the plural antecedent “nursing homes”.
- 9. Use correct preposition Original: to the family or the elderly themselves Suggested revision: for families or older people themselves Why it matters: “Burdensome for” is the natural pattern, and the plural nouns fit the general reference.
- 10. Clarify workforce meaning Original: growth in aged-care professions Suggested revision: growth of the aged-care workforce Why it matters: The intended expansion concerns the workforce rather than the professions themselves.
- 11. Use correct count noun Original: superannuations need Suggested revision: superannuation systems need Why it matters: The plural refers to systems or schemes, not multiple instances of the abstract noun.
- 12. Use parallel forms Original: early investment plan and financial savings Suggested revision: early investment planning and regular saving Why it matters: Parallel gerund phrases make the two recommended financial activities clear.
Suggested Rewrites
- the overall health overall health
- brings some issues to the world creates some problems
- the an
- more retirement fund a larger retirement fund
- than it might be previously expected than might previously have been expected
- do not prepare sufficient funds have not saved sufficient funds
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response gives relevant personal and social consequences of longer lives and proposes practical measures, with particularly clear explanation of retirement finances. However, it only briefly establishes whether the development is positive or negative, shifts from developing to first-world countries, and presents the whole discussion as one paragraph. The priority is to state and support a direct judgement on the development while organising each major task element into a distinct paragraph.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
All main task elements are touched on, but the positive-or-negative judgement and the developing-country context receive limited direct attention.
State a clear overall judgement and support it with an explicit evaluation of both the benefits and the most important personal and social costs.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument follows a clear sequence with effective signposting, but the absence of paragraph breaks weakens the visible organisation of ideas.
Separate the introduction, impacts, solutions, and conclusion into purposeful paragraphs, each centred on one controlling idea.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and often precise, especially when discussing pensions, care provision, and financial preparation, despite occasional awkward combinations.
Refine less natural phrases and check singular-plural choices so that the otherwise strong topic vocabulary is consistently idiomatic.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex sentences with generally good control, and the remaining agreement, reference, and noun-form errors rarely impede meaning.
Review pronoun reference and number agreement in longer sentences to make relationships between ideas fully precise.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Average life span of the human in many developing countries is increasing. Is this is a positive or negative development? Will this increased life expectancy have any social and personal issue? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.
Your response
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