Some people believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to take care of their own health and diet. Others however believe that governments should make sure that their citizens have a healthy diet. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
An increasing concern for many governments around the world is the declining health of their citizens due to a poor diet. While some people believe governments should be responsible for improving the health of their nation, others believe it is up to the individual. This essay will examine both sides of the argument.
There is no doubt that individuals must take some responsibility for their diet and health. The argument to support this is the fact that adults have free will and make their own choices about what they eat and the exercise that they do. Children are also becoming less healthy. However, their parents are the ones who provide their evening meals so it is their responsibility to ensure these meals are nutritious and encourage them to avoid junk food and sugary snacks during the day.
Despite these arguments, there is also a case for advocating the intervention of the state. People these days often have little choice but to depend on fast food or ready meals that are high in sugar, salt and fat due to the pressures of work. Governments could regulate the ingredients of such food. Some governments also spend huge amounts of tax money on treating health problems of their citizens in hospitals. It would be logical to spend this on preventative measures such as campaigns to encourage exercise and a good diet.
Having considered both sides of the issue, I would argue that although individuals must take ultimate responsibility for what they eat, governments also have a role to play as only they can regulate the food supply, which openly encourages a poor diet. It is only through this combination that we can improve people’s health.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use direct phrasing Original: An increasing concern for many governments around the world is Suggested revision: Many governments around the world are increasingly concerned about Why it matters: The replacement expresses the concern more directly and naturally.
- 2. Name the people Original: nation Suggested revision: citizens Why it matters: A nation's citizens, rather than the nation itself, possess the health being discussed.
- 3. Use plural reference Original: up to the individual Suggested revision: up to individuals Why it matters: The plural form makes the general reference to people more natural and consistent.
- 4. Reduce wordiness Original: The argument to support this is the fact that Suggested revision: This argument is supported by the fact that Why it matters: The replacement removes a wordy noun phrase while preserving the claim.
- 5. Use natural collocation Original: the exercise that they do Suggested revision: how much exercise they do Why it matters: 'How much exercise they do' is the natural way to refer to the amount of physical activity.
- 6. Clarify the possessive Original: provide their evening meals Suggested revision: provide their children’s evening meals Why it matters: Naming the children removes ambiguity about whose meals the parents provide.
- 7. Use concise term Original: the intervention of the state Suggested revision: state intervention Why it matters: 'State intervention' is the standard concise expression for government involvement.
- 8. Use natural verb Original: depend Suggested revision: rely Why it matters: 'Rely on' more naturally describes dependence on a regular food source.
- 9. Improve noun structure Original: treating health problems of their citizens Suggested revision: treating their citizens’ health problems Why it matters: The possessive structure makes the relationship between citizens and their health problems clearer.
- 10. Clarify money reference Original: spend this on preventative measures Suggested revision: spend some of this money on preventative measures Why it matters: Repeating 'money' makes the reference of 'this' immediately clear.
- 11. Clarify the claim Original: the food supply, which openly encourages a poor diet Suggested revision: a food supply that encourages poor dietary choices Why it matters: The replacement states more precisely how the food supply is linked to unhealthy eating.
Suggested Rewrites
- An increasing concern for many governments around the world is Many governments around the world are increasingly concerned about
- nation citizens
- up to the individual up to individuals
- The argument to support this is the fact that This argument is supported by the fact that
- the exercise that they do how much exercise they do
- provide their evening meals provide their children’s evening meals
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response gives a clear, well-balanced discussion and reaches a nuanced position that assigns complementary responsibilities to individuals and governments. Ideas are relevant and logically developed, although some supporting points remain general and a few expressions are slightly awkward or imprecise. The strongest improvement would be to deepen one key argument on each side with a more specific consequence or example while refining occasional wording.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are fully addressed with relevant explanations, and the conclusion states a clear, well-supported position.
Strengthen the analysis further by illustrating one individual and one government responsibility with more specific real-world consequences.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-focused paragraphs, with cohesive devices used clearly and unobtrusively throughout.
Make the transition from parental responsibility back to the broader individual argument slightly more explicit for maximum continuity.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and precise, with effective topic-specific expressions and only occasional awkward wording.
Refine phrases such as improving the health of their nation and the food supply which encourages a poor diet for greater naturalness and precision.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used accurately, and the few minor lapses do not impede communication.
Polish punctuation around interrupters and check pronoun references such as spend this so that every complex sentence is fully precise.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to take care of their own health and diet. Others however believe that governments should make sure that their citizens have a healthy diet. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.