Scientists agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food. Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Others think education will not work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
Scientific findings have indicated that the excessive consumption of fast food is leading the health of people to deterioration. According to some people, this unhealthy practice can be stopped through education; however, some others have little faith in this solution. As the supporters of each view have their own justifications, whether education is effective remains to be seen in this essay.
On the one hand, raising the awareness of people towards the dangers of unhealthy food can certainly yield some promising outcomes. Firstly, many fast food products provide very little or no information on the nutritional content in them, deterring the consumers from knowing the amount of fat, sodium or cholesterol which they take in. By being informed of how much of these harmful substances are contained in their favourite hamburgers or chips, as well as being shown the likely consequences of over-eating these foods, consumers can be more cautious the next time they choose their food. Secondly, education at schools can help to form healthy eating habits for children and parents. For instance, schools can hold some extracurricular activities such as growing and selling vegetables with the attendance of both students and parents, in order to promote the benefits of healthy diets and warn against the potential risks of junk food.
On the other hand, some people doubt the effectiveness of education for certain reasons. To begin with, despite being aware of the negative effects of fast food, many people who are too busy persist in eating it due to its convenience and time-saving. In this case, education hardly makes a difference as they have made a choice. In addition, compared with the wide range and availability of fast food stores and menus, healthy food is seriously limited. Furthermore, healthy food is commonly inferior to fast food in terms of taste and prices as a matter of fact. As a result, however convincing education is, it is almost impossible for people to change their eating habits without a ready alternative to their unhealthy food choices.
In conclusion, people have different opinions about whether to support education so as to reduce people’s consumption of fast food. In my opinion, education can be a viable measure with careful consideration of other impediments.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Repair collocation Original: leading the health of people to deterioration Suggested revision: causing people's health to deteriorate Why it matters: Health deteriorates; it is not naturally led to deterioration.
- 2. Remove redundant determiner Original: some others Suggested revision: others Why it matters: Others already functions as a pronoun, so some is unnecessary here.
- 3. Clarify essay direction Original: remains to be seen in this essay Suggested revision: will be examined in this essay Why it matters: The revision states the essay's purpose more directly and avoids implying that the outcome is unknowable.
- 4. Correct collocation Original: raising the awareness of people towards Suggested revision: raising people's awareness of Why it matters: Raise awareness of is the standard collocation.
- 5. Use clear possession Original: nutritional content in them Suggested revision: their nutritional content Why it matters: The possessive determiner links the nutritional content to the products more concisely.
- 6. Choose accurate verb Original: deterring the consumers from knowing Suggested revision: preventing consumers from knowing Why it matters: Deter means discourage an action, while the missing information prevents consumers from knowing its contents.
- 7. Streamline quantity clause Original: the amount of fat, sodium or cholesterol which they take in Suggested revision: how much fat, sodium, or cholesterol they consume Why it matters: The revision uses a concise embedded question and the natural verb consume.
- 8. Use natural preposition Original: at Suggested revision: in Why it matters: In schools is the natural phrase for education delivered within that setting.
- 9. Correct participation phrase Original: attendance Suggested revision: participation Why it matters: Participation describes active involvement in the activities more accurately than attendance.
- 10. Fix parallel structure Original: due to its convenience and time-saving Suggested revision: because it is convenient and saves time Why it matters: The revision coordinates an adjective and a verb grammatically while preserving the two reasons.
- 11. Clarify availability Original: healthy food is seriously limited Suggested revision: healthy food options are severely limited Why it matters: Options makes clear that the limitation concerns availability and variety.
- 12. Fix number consistency Original: prices Suggested revision: price Why it matters: Price should be singular to parallel the general uncountable use of taste.
Suggested Rewrites
- leading the health of people to deterioration causing people's health to deteriorate
- some others others
- remains to be seen in this essay will be examined in this essay
- raising the awareness of people towards raising people's awareness of
- nutritional content in them their nutritional content
- deterring the consumers from knowing preventing consumers from knowing
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response gives a balanced, well-developed discussion, using relevant explanations and an effective example to show why education can help and why it may be insufficient alone. The main limitation is that the writer's own position is withheld until the conclusion and remains somewhat cautiously expressed. State the qualified opinion clearly in the introduction and use it to frame the comparison throughout.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are explored in depth with relevant support, and a qualified opinion is ultimately clear, though introduced late.
Present the qualified position in the introduction and reinforce it when weighing the two perspectives.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is organised into a clear progression of focused paragraphs, with cohesive devices managed effectively.
Link the final judgement more explicitly to the specific limitations developed in the opposing-view paragraph.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a broad academic vocabulary effectively, despite several awkward or imprecise collocations.
Refine phrases such as leading health to deterioration, attendance of parents, and inferior in prices into more natural combinations.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentence forms are varied and generally accurate, with only occasional non-impeding slips or awkward constructions.
Edit dense sentences for cleaner clause relationships and more natural comparative and concessive structures.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Scientists agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food. Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Others think education will not work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.