Should parents be obliged to immunise their children against childhood diseases? Or do individuals have the rights to choose not to immunise their children?
Sample Response
Every infant needs an aid of protection from any danger at their early age. One of the most predominant perils is absolutely illnesses. Any disorder can be able to face them with the risk of death, even a single flu because children are vulnerable and a potential target for viruses and other threatening creatures. Their immunity system is just started to grow and improve. If they are not fed well and protected from hazardous effects the immune system cannot thrive and the body will destroy soon.
That's why they are in need of their protectors at certain ages of weakness. It is evident that these protectors are their parents or responsible relatives. Hands of kind-hearted and generous parents are especially given for that reason. From the birth to the age of being an individual, parents look after their children with great patience and attention.
They devote their whole life to pay attentions to their protection like precious jewellery. This dedication includes health, happiness, culture and other qualities of their own personality. In front of those all health of their children is most crucial one. Kind-hearted parents always want their children to be healthy, because of that they immunise them very well. In their opinion, it is their obligation to do that. Unfortunately, some parents are in the other mind. They refuse to inoculate their children. It must be a scandal, because if parents decline to vaccinate them, then who should do the issue.
I think it is obviously the obligation of parents to grow up and immunise their children. Another variant could not be perceptible. And the government should impose a law for this type of parents to either immunise their own children or pay the expense of looking after them.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use a direct noun Original: an aid of protection Suggested revision: protection Why it matters: The phrase is redundant because protection itself is the needed safeguard.
- 2. Use the indefinite article Original: their Suggested revision: an Why it matters: The phrase refers generally to early childhood and requires 'an'.
- 3. Use the correct term Original: immunity Suggested revision: immune Why it matters: The biological system is called the 'immune system'.
- 4. Use the present perfect Original: is Suggested revision: has Why it matters: The active present perfect describes development that has recently begun.
- 5. Add the clause comma Original: hazardous effects the immune Suggested revision: hazardous effects, the immune Why it matters: A comma is required after the introductory conditional clause.
- 6. Use an intransitive verb Original: the body will destroy soon Suggested revision: the body will soon deteriorate Why it matters: A body deteriorates; it does not destroy itself in this construction.
- 7. Use a natural dependency phrase Original: in need of their protectors Suggested revision: dependent on their protectors Why it matters: The replacement expresses children's reliance on carers more naturally.
- 8. Remove the article Original: From the birth Suggested revision: From birth Why it matters: The fixed expression for the start of life is 'from birth'.
- 9. Use the precise life stage Original: the age of being an individual Suggested revision: adulthood Why it matters: 'Adulthood' concisely expresses the intended stage of independence.
- 10. Match the plural possessive Original: life Suggested revision: lives Why it matters: Each member of the plural subject has a life, so the object should be plural.
- 11. Use the gerund phrase Original: to pay attentions Suggested revision: to paying attention Why it matters: 'Devote' takes 'to' plus a gerund, and 'attention' is uncountable.
- 12. Clarify the development category Original: other qualities of their own personality Suggested revision: other aspects of their personal development Why it matters: The replacement expresses the intended areas of children's development clearly.
Suggested Rewrites
- an aid of protection protection
- their an
- immunity immune
- is has
- hazardous effects the immune hazardous effects, the immune
- the body will destroy soon the body will soon deteriorate
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response communicates a firm view that parents should be required to vaccinate their children and links this duty to parental protection. Its main limitation is that much of the discussion concerns general childcare rather than immunisation, while the competing rights argument is dismissed without analysis and frequent language errors obscure meaning; the priority is to explain the public-health consequences of refusal and address parental choice directly.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The writer’s position is clear, but relevant development is limited because general parental care dominates and the case for individual choice is barely considered.
Explain how non-immunisation affects the child and wider community, then respond directly to a parent’s claimed right to refuse.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has a basic progression from child vulnerability to parental responsibility and legislation, but ideas are repetitive and paragraph focus is weak.
Organise the argument into distinct paragraphs on health risk, parental choice, community consequences, and the final policy judgement.
Lexical Resource
Some relevant health vocabulary is attempted, but frequent inappropriate word choices and collocations make several statements difficult to understand.
Use precise terms such as childhood disease, developing immune system, vaccination, public-health risk, parental responsibility, and legal requirement.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Frequent errors in verb forms, articles, agreement, sentence structure, and punctuation regularly reduce clarity.
Write shorter subject-verb-object sentences and check each verb tense and passive form before combining ideas.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Should parents be obliged to immunise their children against childhood diseases? Or do individuals have the rights to choose not to immunise their children?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.