Anybody can use a mobile phone to answer the work and personal calls at any time or 7 days a week. Does this development have more positive or negative effects on both individuals and society?
Sample Response
Rising ownership of mobile phones facilitates interaction for work and personal purposes regardless of time constraint. This revolution in communications exerts several benefits on both individuals and society, but I believe that these merits are overshadowed by its demerits.
As argued, the possibility of answering work-related or personal calls at any time is of immense benefit. Firstly, this practice strengthens people-to-people bonds as it is more convenient and speedier to stay in touch irrespective of geographical barriers. For instance, international students can give their parents back home a call to ask after their health, which means the feeling of loneliness or homesickness is somewhat relieved, keeping them emotionally attached. Secondly, society can benefit from the diminished demand for public or private transport besides the work productivity achieved. Staff, for example, can communicate with their line manager or clients without frequent face-to-face meetings as everything can be accomplished with a brief telephone conversation. The roads then could be less congested and the traffic flow will be smooth.
I am of the opinion that the detrimental effects of the availability of mobile phone all the time overweigh its positive ones. The first repercussion is its undesirable ability to manipulate owners and deprive them of personal freedom and privacy. At night, their co-workers can happen to contact them for work-related discussions, hence, they are inevitably swept into the maelstrom of work. This development is also attributed to the loss of a sense of community. Rather than communicating face-to-face with peers at school or colleagues in the same office, they rivet their ears onto their phones and isolate themselves from the real life. For example, sitting together in a coffee shop, two friends may fail to talk to each other because they are all preoccupied with answering their own calls. The final consequence is that mobile phone usage can also result in the deterioration of our health. Cell phones have electromagnetic waves, which adversely affects our organs, resulting in fatal risks such as brain deficiency or decreased men’s reproductive health.
In conclusion, albeit advantageous to some extent, that people can make and receive calls every time makes them isolated and unhealthy. I strongly believe that those negative effects are more acute than the positive ones.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use plural noun Original: constraint Suggested revision: constraints Why it matters: The general statement requires the plural count noun here.
- 2. Use natural collocation Original: revolution in communications exerts several benefits Suggested revision: development in communication offers several benefits Why it matters: The replacement uses a more natural verb-noun combination for this context.
- 3. Clarify paragraph opening Original: As argued Suggested revision: To begin with Why it matters: This transition introduces the first supporting point more accurately than referring to an earlier argument.
- 4. Choose natural adjective Original: speedier Suggested revision: faster Why it matters: Faster is the more natural comparative when describing communication.
- 5. Use concise phrasing Original: give their parents back home a call Suggested revision: call their parents back home Why it matters: The replacement expresses the same action more directly and naturally.
- 6. Modernize expression Original: ask after their health Suggested revision: ask how they are Why it matters: This wording is clearer and more natural in contemporary English.
- 7. Fix clause structure Original: which means the feeling of loneliness or homesickness is somewhat relieved Suggested revision: which can somewhat relieve feelings of loneliness or homesickness Why it matters: The revised clause gives the action a clear subject and uses the countable noun naturally.
- 8. Clarify added benefit Original: besides the work productivity achieved Suggested revision: as well as from increased work productivity Why it matters: The original phrase is awkward and does not clearly coordinate the two stated benefits.
- 9. Fix noun phrase Original: availability of mobile phone all the time Suggested revision: constant availability of mobile phones Why it matters: The general reference requires a plural noun and a more concise modifier.
- 10. Use correct verb Original: overweigh Suggested revision: outweigh Why it matters: Outweigh is the verb meaning to be greater in importance or effect.
- 11. Remove awkward wording Original: can happen to contact them Suggested revision: may contact them Why it matters: The modal directly expresses possibility without the unnatural happen-to construction.
- 12. Reverse causal wording Original: is also attributed to Suggested revision: also contributes to Why it matters: The original passive construction reverses the intended cause-and-effect relationship.
Suggested Rewrites
- constraint constraints
- revolution in communications exerts several benefits development in communication offers several benefits
- As argued To begin with
- speedier faster
- give their parents back home a call call their parents back home
- ask after their health ask how they are
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response’s strongest feature is its clear position and substantial discussion of effects on both individuals and society, supported by relevant examples and a logical overall structure. Its main limitation is that several claims, especially the health argument, are insufficiently credible or precisely explained, while recurring awkward collocations reduce authority; prioritise developing fewer, better-supported consequences in more natural, exact language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear position is maintained and both sides are developed with examples, although some consequences are speculative or insufficiently substantiated.
Replace the questionable health claim with a credible, fully explained consequence tied directly to individuals or society.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses logically through benefits and drawbacks, though the long drawbacks paragraph becomes crowded with several separate ideas.
Give each major drawback focused development and use transitions that clarify the relationship between ideas rather than merely introducing them.
Lexical Resource
A broad and ambitious vocabulary conveys precise distinctions at times, but several unnatural collocations and word choices reduce fluency.
Prefer natural combinations such as constant availability and outweigh the benefits, and check ambitious expressions for accurate usage.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Varied complex structures are generally well controlled and meaning remains clear despite occasional agreement, article, and singular-plural errors.
Proofread noun phrases and subject-verb agreement, especially where plural subjects are separated from their verbs by longer clauses.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Anybody can use a mobile phone to answer the work and personal calls at any time or 7 days a week. Does this development have more positive or negative effects on both individuals and society?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.