Some people say that having more money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time. Do you agree or disagree?
This response is estimated at Band 7.5. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
It is often argued that earning more moneyremuneration is more important thanis of paramount importance than having more free timespending more spare time. I completely agree with this notion because it ensures security and offers better opportunities to the next generationoffers a better opportunity for the next generation.
The primary reason why making money exceeds having more leisure time is because it provides people with security. Put simply, when people have more than enough to pay their bills and can build an emergency fundsave emergency funds, they do not have to deal with financial difficulties. For instance, if a person loses his job and has an emergency fund covering three to four months of living expenses, then he does not need to deal with financial worries regarding how he will survive. Thus, knowing that an unexpected emergencyknowing an unexpected emergency will not translate into a crisis will give individuals a sense of security that can helpthe sense of security to help them make wise financial decisions.
The second main reason why having more money is better is that it opens up valuablegolden opportunities for their childrenthe children of the person. Everybody wants the best for their children, and money can help people provideoffer a quality education and thereby give their children a head start in lifeto give their children a head start in life. In other words,That is to say that affluent parents usually have greater control over the quality of their children's educationgain control over the quality of education. When people, for example, have higher earnings, they can afford a quality education, private tutoring, and lessonsquality education, private tutors and lessons. These additional opportunities give their children the chanceprovide their children with the chance to develop their interests at a young age and develop skillshone competencies that offer them a competitive advantage over their peerscounterparts.
To conclude, I believe that people should place more emphasis on earning money than having free time because it provides security and opportunity for them and their children.
Why this response received Band 7.5
The essay has a clear position, strong paragraph structure, and relevant examples explaining how higher income can provide security and educational opportunities. Its main limitation is that it scarcely addresses the central cost of having less free time, so the comparison remains incomplete, and several ambitious expressions sound unnatural. The highest-priority improvement is to confront that trade-off directly and explain why the stated benefits outweigh the loss of leisure.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear and supported by two developed reasons, but the response focuses on the benefits of money without sufficiently evaluating the associated loss of free time.
Address the disadvantages of reduced leisure directly and show why financial security and opportunity outweigh them.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses clearly through two well-focused body paragraphs, with effective sequencing and consistent paragraph unity.
Create a stronger argumentative link between each benefit and the prompt's explicit money-versus-time comparison.
Lexical Resource
The essay uses a good range of topic vocabulary, though several collocations are unnatural or imprecise, such as earning more remuneration and making money exceeds leisure time.
Choose more natural comparative phrasing and avoid inflated expressions where simpler wording would be more precise.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A variety of complex structures is generally controlled, but recurring comparative and clause-construction problems reduce accuracy and naturalness.
Review comparative patterns, especially more important than and preferable to, and simplify clauses that become grammatically strained.