Many of the diseases which afflict people who do office jobs are the direct result of a sedentary lifestyle. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Muscle and skeleton diseases are prevalent among office workers. According to orthopedicians, reasons of these disorders include wrong posture, lacking movement or repeated movements. As an office worker myself who suffer from severe muscle pain, I totally agree with the doctors and in this essay, I will examine the reasons and suggest some measures to fight them. First and foremost, the main reason for these disorders is the wrong posture. Office workers spend most of their times looking at the computer screen with their hand sticking on the keyboard and leaning onwards. Sitting in such position can cause the cartilage between two vertebras shift and this condition is known as a very painful disease that can even lead to paralyzation - a hernia. However, this problem can easily be avoided by adopting proper sitting techniques that can be found on the internet and learned from an orthopedician. Secondly, lacking movement and repeated movements can also be accountable for these diseases. Force applied on same bones at same angles or same bones rubbing each other frequently due to same repeated actions can have an abrasive impact on cartilages and this condition is known as calcification. To combat this disease, office workers should stroll around regularly, stretch their muscles and bones and refrain from repeated movements. My personal conclusion is that muscle and skeleton disorders are inevitable for all office workers who are not aware of proper sitting and overdo some movements. However, measures to combat these problems are divulged to the public by orthopedicians and they should be carried out by everyone.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use medical category term Original: Muscle and skeleton diseases Suggested revision: Musculoskeletal disorders Why it matters: “Musculoskeletal disorders” is the natural umbrella term for conditions affecting muscles and the skeleton.
- 2. Use standard professional term Original: According to orthopedicians Suggested revision: According to orthopaedic specialists Why it matters: “Orthopaedic specialists” is the more widely used professional term.
- 3. Correct noun preposition Original: reasons Suggested revision: causes Why it matters: The standard expression is “causes of” a disorder.
- 4. Use parallel nouns Original: wrong posture, lacking movement Suggested revision: poor posture, lack of movement Why it matters: The list requires parallel noun phrases, and “poor posture” is the natural collocation.
- 5. Fix relative agreement Original: suffer Suggested revision: suffers Why it matters: The relative verb agrees with the singular antecedent “myself.”
- 6. Use formal intensifier Original: totally Suggested revision: fully Why it matters: “Fully agree” is more appropriate than conversational “totally agree” in formal writing.
- 7. Use precise action verb Original: fight Suggested revision: address Why it matters: Problems and causes are more naturally “addressed” than “fought.”
- 8. Use natural collocation Original: the wrong posture Suggested revision: poor posture Why it matters: “Poor posture” is the standard expression.
- 9. Use uncountable noun Original: times Suggested revision: time Why it matters: “Time” is uncountable when referring to a general duration.
- 10. Use general plural Original: looking at the computer screen Suggested revision: looking at computer screens Why it matters: The plural form is natural when describing office workers in general.
- 11. Fix number and verb Original: their hand sticking on the keyboard Suggested revision: their hands resting on the keyboard Why it matters: The plural subject needs “hands,” and “resting on” describes the posture naturally.
- 12. Correct direction word Original: onwards Suggested revision: forwards Why it matters: “Forwards” describes body position, whereas “onwards” describes continued movement or time.
Suggested Rewrites
- Muscle and skeleton diseases Musculoskeletal disorders
- According to orthopedicians According to orthopaedic specialists
- reasons causes
- wrong posture, lacking movement poor posture, lack of movement
- suffer suffers
- totally fully
Why this response received Band 5.5
The essay takes a clear position and develops relevant links between sedentary office work, posture, repetitive movement, and musculoskeletal problems, while suggesting practical preventive measures. Its strongest feature is the concrete workplace focus; the main limitation is that several medical explanations and terms are inaccurate or overstated, and the response lacks paragraphing. The priority is to use reliable health evidence, distinguish sedentary behaviour from posture or repetition, and organize the argument into focused paragraphs.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The position is clear and relevant causes and solutions are developed, but medical claims about hernias, paralysis, calcification, and inevitability are inaccurate or insufficiently supported.
Explain the health effects conservatively with reliable evidence and focus directly on how prolonged sitting contributes to musculoskeletal and metabolic problems.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response progresses from posture to repetitive movement and prevention, but presenting the full essay as one paragraph weakens the organization of distinct ideas.
Use separate introduction, posture, inactivity and repetition, and conclusion paragraphs, with solutions integrated into the relevant body paragraph.
Lexical Resource
Some relevant medical and workplace vocabulary is used, but frequent inaccurate terms and collocations reduce precision and credibility.
Use “musculoskeletal disorders,” “orthopaedic specialists,” “lack of movement,” “poor posture,” “spinal discs,” and “repetitive strain” accurately.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning is generally clear, but recurring errors in agreement, articles, plurals, verb patterns, and complex clause construction reduce control.
Check forms such as “an office worker who suffers,” “most of their time,” “can cause a disc to shift,” and “repeated movement contributes.”
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Many of the diseases which afflict people who do office jobs are the direct result of a sedentary lifestyle. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.