In some countries, older people are choosing to live in retirement communities with other older people rather than living with their adult children. Is it a positive or negative development?
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Sample Response
In some countries, older people tend to live with other older people in the same communitya same communities rather than living with their children. In my viewviews, while it is a good way for their children, there are many risks.
One major benefitpositive advantage of this is that their children can gain more privacy and avoid a lot of arguments with their parents in certain situationssome certain situations. With the growing of their children, especially girls, they need more space to protect their privacy. Besides, due to the huge generationaging gap, there are always different opinions between parents and children, consequently, arguments are usually inevitable. For instance, in east Asian countries such as Japan and China, there are more and more older people living alonemore and more many older people live alone because their children are facing heavy pressure and they want to relieverelise some pressure for their children.
However, a key negative factor about this is safe problems. There are many reported accidents in the world about older people living alonelonely. Although they usually live in communities where many other older people livecommunities which a lot of other older people live there too, there are still many risks in their apartments such as gas leaking and fire. Generally, old people lack adequate safety awarenesshave not adequate safe awareness so those are very dangerous for them. For example, recently, China's news media reported an elderly person who diedan older people dead in his little apartment because of the mishandlingmisunderstanding of the gas valve, and because there were no other peopledue to there are not other people in his room, he was found after five days! As a result, safe problems should not be ignored.
In conclusion, governments should pay closer attention topay their attention more to old people's living problems. They are supposed to construct more facilities and introduceintroduced relevant laws to protect old people.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The essay addresses both advantages and disadvantages of older people living in retirement communities, presenting relevant examples to support its arguments. However, frequent grammatical and lexical errors occasionally obscure meaning, and the conclusion introduces unrelated recommendations. To improve, focus on improving grammatical accuracy and directly reinforcing your main stance in the final paragraph.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response presents relevant arguments addressing both sides of the trend, though the conclusion unexpectedly focuses on government solutions rather than summarizing your position.
Ensure the conclusion directly re-states your evaluation of whether the overall development is positive or negative rather than introducing new action steps.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically organized into distinct paragraphs for pros and cons, allowing the general message to be followed.
Use clearer linking words and ensure seamless transitions between supporting examples and your central points.
Lexical Resource
A basic vocabulary range is used to discuss the topic, but frequent word choice and phrasing errors impede precision.
Focus on learning correct word formations and collocations, such as replacing 'safe problems' with 'safety issues' and 'living lonely' with 'living alone'.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
While simple sentences are often clear, frequent structural and grammatical errors occur throughout complex sentences.
Practice relative clauses and subject-verb agreement to reduce repetitive errors like 'there are many older people live alone'.