Nowadays online shopping has become more popular than in-store shopping. Is it a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
Online shopping today has achieved more popularity than physical store shopping in many parts of the world. I believe this is a negative development because it causes privacy and security concerns through phishing attempts and data breaches.
When consumers shop online, they may fall victim to the phishing and scam attempts. That is to say, cybercriminals often send fraudulent emails or have websites that seem legitimate online stores intended to trick novice users into sharing their information, such as computer passwords or bank account numbers. These phishing attempts can result in unauthorized access to accounts or financial losses. For example, a shopper may receive a deceptive email that appears to be from a reputable online retailer, very often including a link or attachment designed to trick him or her into clicking. Clicking the link or attachment can lead to malware infections.
Online shopping is also an increasingly common source of data breaches. Cybercriminals can often manage to get into the system of e-commerce sites to steal customers’ login credentials and credit card details. This means that many websites lack secure encryption of data, thus making them prone to attack. Consequently, consumers are at high risk when sharing their sensitive information. If a data breach occurs, customers’ information could be exposed, causing financial fraud, identity theft, or other deceptive activities. A good example here is my own brother’s case. A cybercriminal group opens a credit card account in his name and withdraws a considerable amount of money from the account.
To conclude, I believe the increasing trend of online shopping is a negative development as this can lead consumers to the victims of data privacy issues. Therefore, consumers should select reputable platforms when shopping online.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use natural comparison Original: achieved more popularity than Suggested revision: become more popular than Why it matters: This is the standard expression for a trend in relative popularity.
- 2. Use the standard term Original: physical store shopping Suggested revision: in-store shopping Why it matters: This is the conventional term for shopping at a physical retail location.
- 3. Remove unnecessary article Original: the phishing and scam attempts Suggested revision: phishing and scam attempts Why it matters: The general plural noun phrase does not take 'the' here.
- 4. Use precise security language Original: get into the system of e-commerce sites Suggested revision: gain access to e-commerce systems Why it matters: This wording is more precise and concise for unauthorised system access.
- 5. Use concise collocation Original: secure encryption of data Suggested revision: secure data encryption Why it matters: This is the more concise standard collocation.
- 6. Use past tense Original: opens Suggested revision: opened Why it matters: The specific event involving the writer's brother occurred in the past.
- 7. Keep past tense Original: withdraws Suggested revision: withdrew Why it matters: This verb must match the past tense of the event described.
- 8. Correct the structure Original: lead consumers to the victims of Suggested revision: make consumers victims of Why it matters: The structure 'lead someone to the victims' is ungrammatical for expressing this result.
- 9. Express the risk precisely Original: causes privacy and security concerns through Suggested revision: creates privacy and security risks through Why it matters: Risks are a more concrete consequence of phishing and data breaches than general concerns.
- 10. Make phrasing concise Original: unauthorized access to accounts or financial losses Suggested revision: unauthorised account access or financial loss Why it matters: The compact noun phrases express the two outcomes more directly.
- 11. Use a direct relationship Original: source Suggested revision: cause Why it matters: 'Cause' states the claimed relationship more directly than 'source'.
- 12. Remove wordiness Original: can often manage to Suggested revision: can often Why it matters: The modal verb already expresses ability, making 'manage to' redundant here.
Suggested Rewrites
- achieved more popularity than become more popular than
- physical store shopping in-store shopping
- the phishing and scam attempts phishing and scam attempts
- get into the system of e-commerce sites gain access to e-commerce systems
- secure encryption of data secure data encryption
- opens opened
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response maintains a clear negative position and develops two closely related cybersecurity risks through detailed explanation and relevant examples. Its main limitation is narrowness: phishing and data breaches substantially overlap, so the case does not explore the wider consequences of online shopping, and a few awkward constructions weaken accuracy. The highest-priority improvement is to add a distinct second dimension, such as effects on local retailers, while refining collocations and tense control.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response presents a clear position and develops relevant security concerns in detail, although the two main arguments overlap considerably.
Add a genuinely distinct consequence of online shopping so the negative evaluation is broader and more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Paragraphing is effective and the explanation moves logically from each risk to its consequences and examples, with generally controlled cohesion.
Reduce repeated references to online shopping and cybersecurity by using concise referencing and more varied transitions.
Lexical Resource
A strong range of cybersecurity vocabulary supports precise discussion, though several awkward collocations reduce naturalness.
Replace combinations such as 'achieved more popularity' and 'lead consumers to the victims' with standard idiomatic phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The essay uses a good variety of sentence forms with frequent error-free sequences, but occasional article, verb-form, and tense errors persist.
Check articles and maintain consistent tense in examples, particularly when describing a completed personal incident.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Nowadays online shopping has become more popular than in-store shopping. Is it a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.