Some people think personal happiness is directly related to economic success, while others believe this depends on other factors. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.
This response is estimated at Band 6.5. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
Some peoplePeople are of the view that happiness is directly proportional to economic success, while others believehave an opinion that many different factors are also responsible for contributing to a happy lifeleading a happy life. Living a joyful life has a different meaning for every individual.
People who believe that the secret to a happy life is dependent directly on the financial circumstancesmonetary aspects are partially correct. Economic growth is an essential part of the kind of life one wants to live. They want to acquire materialistic goods and services, which without having good economic growth isn’t possible. For instance, a person who has an impressive net worth would always want more and more assets in their life. Another person earning a high salaryhaving an attractive salary can live a life they have dreameddreamt of. People work hard to achieve more, and todayin today’s time, achievementthe achievement is only measured by how much wealth one accumulateshow many financial resources one attains. People are often judged by the vehicleVehicle they drive, brandedBranded clothes they wear, and this makes them recognizable in society.
On the other hand, Others believe happinessFew others believe happiness is not merely restricted to economic growth but also to various other factors. For exampleLikewise, People who help othersPeople who are social helpers may not earn a handsome salary and may not enjoy the perks of a good life. But for them, happiness is dependent upon the amount of help they can provide to society. They are constantly working and are motivated to address the problems society facesdriven by the causes society faces. Others also believeFew others also believe in spending time with their loved ones. This makes them happy. Every person is required to work to earn money for their livelihood. How they pursue and find happiness is directly related to their desires and sense of fulfilmentdesires and fulfillments. It’s correctly said never judge a book by its cover. What may look tempting may be poisonous on the other side.
To sum up, Living a balanced life where you are driven to earn more and also determined to provide someone with helpprovide someone help is a good way to live. Family plays an important part in life; in the race of achievements, we often ignore our elderly who, after retirement, areis dependent on us and want some kind of attention from us. We should not ignore them for the sacrifices they have made for our demands. Making others happy brings more happiness and joy.
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response’s strongest feature is its clear four-paragraph structure, which presents economic and non-economic perspectives in a generally logical sequence. Its main limitation is that several supporting points are broad or only loosely connected to personal happiness, while frequent awkward wording weakens precision. The highest priority is to explain each example’s link to happiness more explicitly and revise sentences for accurate collocation and grammar.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
Both views are addressed and a balanced opinion emerges, but some support is general or only indirectly related to happiness.
Make the position explicit in the introduction and explain precisely how each example produces personal happiness.
Coherence and Cohesion
The four-paragraph organisation is clear, although progression within the second body paragraph becomes loose and occasionally abrupt.
Order each body paragraph around one controlling idea and use transitions that show the exact relationship between points.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a reasonable range of topic vocabulary, but inaccurate collocations and word choices occur frequently.
Replace awkward combinations such as personal economic growth and materialistic goods with precise, natural expressions.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures conveys meaning, though agreement, article, clause, and capitalisation errors recur.
Proofread complex sentences for complete clause structure and check subject-verb agreement and unnecessary capital letters.