All over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled?
Sample Response
As the number of people who are overweight increases from day to day in the majority of countries in the world, it is essential that we consider the reasons for the growth in obesity among both youngsters and grown-ups. This naturally leads us to the question of how should societies treat the people who faced the problem of fatness. In this essay, I will explore the reasons for the situation in question, and try to find out the methods that can be applied to reduce corpulence among the people.
To begin with, obesity may be viewed as a consequence of a better quality of life. Nowadays, workers earn more money and can afford eating food in the desirable amounts. This is not a problem as long as they are physically active. For instance, the US soldiers are keen eaters but their work requires a lot of energy thus reducing the risk of becoming burly. Therefore, the first step to avoid portliness is to do as many physical activities as you can or simply walk about five kilometres a day.
Another common reason of why people get stout is the quality of food they consume. It is obvious that humans prefer nutrient products, which often contain insane amounts of fat. I believe that most of us have to change the diet by including more fruits and vegetables into it and replacing meat with fish, which is more contributing to our health.
Many scientists believe that stress can also cause the wish of devouring more products, especially bakery and sweets. This mainly concerns women rather than men. To avoid this, those who are exposed to stress must find other ways of coping with it. They can relax their nerves by going in for sports, such as swimming and running.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Inappropriate word Original: fatness Suggested revision: obesity Why it matters: Use neutral academic health vocabulary.
- 2. Indirect question order Original: how should societies treat Suggested revision: how societies should treat Why it matters: Use statement word order in an indirect question.
- 3. Tense choice Original: people who faced Suggested revision: people who face Why it matters: Use present tense for a current general problem.
- 4. Over-formal synonym Original: corpulence Suggested revision: obesity Why it matters: This synonym sounds unnatural in modern essay writing.
- 5. Verb pattern Original: afford eating food Suggested revision: afford to eat food Why it matters: Use the infinitive after "afford".
- 6. Natural phrase Original: desirable amounts Suggested revision: large amounts Why it matters: This better expresses the intended meaning.
- 7. Add comma Original: energy thus reducing Suggested revision: energy, thus reducing Why it matters: A comma improves readability before the result phrase.
- 8. Wrong meaning Original: burly Suggested revision: obese Why it matters: "Burly" usually means strongly built, not obese.
- 9. Unnatural synonym Original: portliness Suggested revision: obesity Why it matters: Avoid excessive synonyms for the key topic.
- 10. Preposition error Original: reason of why Suggested revision: reason why Why it matters: Do not use "of" in this phrase.
- 11. Informal wording Original: get stout Suggested revision: become overweight Why it matters: This is more appropriate for an academic essay.
- 12. Wrong word choice Original: nutrient products Suggested revision: rich foods Why it matters: The intended meaning is foods high in fat or calories.
Suggested Rewrites
- fatness obesity
- how should societies treat how societies should treat
- people who faced people who face
- corpulence obesity
- afford eating food afford to eat food
- desirable amounts large amounts
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response identifies several reasons and possible solutions, but it lacks a conclusion and some ideas are only partly explained.
Add a final paragraph summarising the main causes and the most practical solutions.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically organised by cause, but solutions are embedded inside body paragraphs and the ending feels incomplete.
Use clearer paragraph roles: causes first, then solutions, then a conclusion.
Lexical Resource
There is a wide attempt at vocabulary, but many words for obesity sound unnatural or inappropriate, such as "fatness", "corpulence", and "burly".
Use neutral health vocabulary consistently instead of searching for many synonyms.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar is generally understandable, but there are errors in question structure, verb forms, prepositions, and noun phrases.
Edit indirect questions and noun phrases before adding more complex vocabulary.