Smokers can cause themselves serious health problems. The choice to smoke is made freely and with knowledge of dangers. Smokers should, therefore, expect to pay more for medical treatment than non-smokers. To what extent do you agree with this statement?
Same question Compare all 2 answers See different approaches and band scores for this IELTS task.Sample Response
Smoking addicts possess themselves with severe health issues. Most of them choose to smoke independently and with being aware of health threats. Thereby the awareness of it has to induce them to pay attention to their health. A vast number of patients are getting ill unwillingly, the smokers, on the other hand, are getting ill knowingly. Hence it is justified that they should be charged more for their treatment. This is mainly because it would at least give them a reason to quit smoking.
Smoking is one of the most crucial perils to humankind. This poison does not expose at first times of using it. The invisibility of it makes it difficult to perceive if suspect consumes it by the people of their environment. The only obvious effect is the bad odour of cigarettes. Although companies have found out a way to solve this problem by putting a gum at the end of each cigarette to chew after smoking, by this way the unpleasant odour has been refused easily. Unfortunately, dangers are not gone by the odour. With the passage of time, smoking occupies lungs, then kidneys, heart and all the system. This poison takes the victim to the hands of death slowly and patiently. In spite of all the notions and warnings of government, hospitals, televisions the person of abuse wants the more when he smokes the more. There should be a strict regulation so that smokers are inspired to quit smoking. Imposing a higher treatment fee can be one of such initiatives that would force the smokers to quit their nasty habit.
Nonetheless, the government and hospitals have to do their jobs and continue to make awareness of hazards of smoking. As the well-known saying ‘prevention is better than cure’ teaches us that being able to prevent the people from smoking is far more beneficial than charging more for their treatment.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use free-choice term Original: choose to smoke independently Suggested revision: choose to smoke freely Why it matters: “Freely” describes a voluntary choice, whereas “independently” means without assistance.
- 2. Fix awareness clause Original: with being aware of health threats Suggested revision: while being aware of the health risks Why it matters: “While being aware” correctly expresses simultaneous knowledge, and the specific risks take the definite article.
- 3. Clarify result reference Original: Thereby the awareness of it Suggested revision: Therefore, their awareness of these risks Why it matters: The result linker needs a comma, and the revised noun phrase clearly refers to the previously stated risks.
- 4. Use natural motivation verb Original: has to induce them Suggested revision: should prompt them Why it matters: “Prompt” is the natural verb for awareness motivating someone to act.
- 5. Repair comma splice Original: unwillingly, the smokers, on the other hand, Suggested revision: unwillingly, whereas smokers Why it matters: “Whereas” correctly links the two contrasting clauses without the redundant parenthetical connector.
- 6. Clarify deliberate risk Original: are getting ill knowingly Suggested revision: knowingly risk becoming ill Why it matters: The revised verb phrase states that the risk, rather than the illness itself, is knowingly accepted.
- 7. Punctuate result linker Original: Hence it is justified Suggested revision: Hence, it is justified Why it matters: A sentence-opening conjunctive adverb should be followed by a comma.
- 8. Use precise threat phrase Original: most crucial perils to humankind Suggested revision: greatest threats to human health Why it matters: “Crucial” means important rather than dangerous, and the revised phrase identifies the relevant harm precisely.
- 9. Supply transitive object Original: does not expose Suggested revision: does not reveal its effects Why it matters: “Expose” cannot express the intended meaning without an object, whereas “reveal its effects” can.
- 10. Fix initial-use phrase Original: at first times of using it Suggested revision: when it is first used Why it matters: The revised clause is the idiomatic way to refer to the initial period of use.
- 11. Correct passive construction Original: dangers are not gone by the odour Suggested revision: the dangers do not disappear with the odour Why it matters: The original passive form is ungrammatical and does not clearly express that removing the smell leaves the danger unchanged.
- 12. Use accurate damage verb Original: smoking occupies lungs Suggested revision: smoking damages the lungs Why it matters: “Damages” expresses the stated physical harm, while “occupies” does not.
Suggested Rewrites
- choose to smoke independently choose to smoke freely
- with being aware of health threats while being aware of the health risks
- Thereby the awareness of it Therefore, their awareness of these risks
- has to induce them should prompt them
- unwillingly, the smokers, on the other hand, unwillingly, whereas smokers
- are getting ill knowingly knowingly risk becoming ill
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response clearly supports higher treatment charges and offers a relevant deterrence argument, while also recognising that prevention and public education matter. However, much of the long middle paragraph describes smoking's bodily effects and cigarette odour rather than evaluating fairness, personal choice, addiction, or healthcare funding, and frequent language errors obscure several claims. Prioritise a focused argument about responsibility and counter it with a realistic consideration of addiction and equal access to care.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A recognisable position and deterrence rationale are present, but substantial discussion is tangential and the extent of agreement is not evaluated in sufficient depth.
Develop the fairness and cost arguments directly, then consider whether addiction weakens the claim that smoking is always a fully free choice.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response has a basic introduction, main discussion, and qualification, but progression within the central paragraph is weakened by an extended and confusing detour about odour.
Organise separate paragraphs around personal responsibility, deterrence, a counterargument about addiction or healthcare rights, and the final judgement.
Lexical Resource
Some relevant health and policy vocabulary appears, but frequent inaccurate collocations and forced figurative expressions regularly make meaning unclear.
Use precise neutral phrases such as tobacco addiction, known health risks, treatment costs, financial deterrent, preventive education, and access to healthcare.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Basic meaning is often recoverable, but frequent errors in clause structure, verb forms, articles, pronouns, and sentence boundaries repeatedly strain comprehension.
Write shorter complete sentences with one main idea and verify each subject-verb relationship before adding subordinate clauses.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Smokers can cause themselves serious health problems. The choice to smoke is made freely and with knowledge of dangers. Smokers should, therefore, expect to pay more for medical treatment than non-smokers. To what extent do you agree with this statement?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.