Smokers can cause themselves serious health problems. The choice to smoke is made freely and with knowledge of dangers. Smokers should, therefore, expect to pay more for medical treatment than non-smokers. To what extent do you agree with this statement?
Sample Response
Smoking is scientifically proven to be harmful to both active and passive smokers. Governments all over the world have enforced strong regulations to curb its usage. While the initiative to charge more for medical expenses of a smoker is laudable, but I believe that this will be a clear discrimination of people's right in a democratic society.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Clarify the reference Original: its usage Suggested revision: smoking Why it matters: The pronoun has no clear grammatical antecedent because smoking is expressed as an action.
- 2. Correct the construction Original: will be a clear discrimination of people's right Suggested revision: would clearly discriminate against people's rights Why it matters: Discriminate takes against, and the plural rights is appropriate for people collectively.
- 3. Use concise wording Original: all over the world Suggested revision: worldwide Why it matters: The shorter adverb expresses the same global scope more directly.
- 4. Improve the collocation Original: have enforced strong regulations Suggested revision: have introduced strict regulations Why it matters: Governments more naturally introduce regulations and then enforce them.
- 5. Choose a precise noun Original: initiative to charge more Suggested revision: proposal to charge smokers more Why it matters: Proposal fits a policy under discussion and identifies who would pay more.
- 6. Strengthen the transition Suggested revision: Make the connection between general anti-smoking regulation and the specific proposal on treatment costs explicit. Why it matters: The paragraph moves abruptly from broad regulation to a narrower payment policy.
- 7. Clarify the progression Suggested revision: Group the background and concession before the main view so the paragraph moves in one clear direction. Why it matters: A more deliberate sequence would make the contrast leading to the writer's view easier to follow.
Suggested Rewrites
- its usage smoking
- will be a clear discrimination of people's right would clearly discriminate against people's rights
- all over the world worldwide
- have enforced strong regulations have introduced strict regulations
- initiative to charge more proposal to charge smokers more
- Strengthen the transition Make the connection between general anti-smoking regulation and the specific proposal on treatment costs explicit.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response's strongest feature is its clear disagreement with charging smokers more and its use of relevant topic vocabulary. However, at only 57 words, it is essentially an introduction: the position is not developed through reasons, evidence, or examples, and the essay lacks a complete argument. The highest priority is to add well-organised body paragraphs that explain why this policy would be discriminatory and consider the opposing rationale before reaching a supported conclusion.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
A relevant and discernible position is given, but the task is addressed only minimally because no argument is developed.
Develop the position with two explained reasons, relevant examples, and consideration of why supporters might charge smokers more.
Coherence and Cohesion
The three sentences follow a generally logical introductory sequence, but the very short single paragraph cannot demonstrate sustained progression.
Organise the response into an introduction, focused body paragraphs with clear internal progression, and a conclusion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary such as 'passive smokers,' 'curb,' and 'laudable' shows some range, although a few word choices and collocations are imprecise.
Use more natural expressions such as 'smoking,' 'smokers' medical costs,' and 'discrimination against people's rights.'
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses both simple and complex structures with generally clear meaning, but the final sentence contains a faulty 'while ... but' construction.
Use either 'while' or 'but,' not both, and check article, possessive, and plural forms in complex sentences.
Write this task while it is fresh
Try the same task now. It helps you remember the feedback and write better next time.
IELTS Writing Task 2
Smokers can cause themselves serious health problems. The choice to smoke is made freely and with knowledge of dangers. Smokers should, therefore, expect to pay more for medical treatment than non-smokers. To what extent do you agree with this statement?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.