Smokers can cause themselves serious health problems. The choice to smoke is made freely and with knowledge of dangers. Smokers should, therefore, expect to pay more for medical treatment than non-smokers. To what extent do you agree with this statement?
This response is estimated at Band 5.5. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
Smoking is scientifically proven to be harmful to both active and passive smokers. Governments worldwideall over the world have introduced strict regulationshave enforced strong regulations to curb smokingits usage. While the proposal to charge smokers moreinitiative to charge more for medical expenses of a smoker is laudable, but I believe that this would clearly discriminate against people's rightswill be a clear discrimination of people's right in a democratic society.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response's strongest feature is its clear disagreement with charging smokers more and its use of relevant topic vocabulary. However, at only 57 words, it is essentially an introduction: the position is not developed through reasons, evidence, or examples, and the essay lacks a complete argument. The highest priority is to add well-organised body paragraphs that explain why this policy would be discriminatory and consider the opposing rationale before reaching a supported conclusion.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A relevant and discernible position is given, but the task is addressed only minimally because no argument is developed.
Develop the position with two explained reasons, relevant examples, and consideration of why supporters might charge smokers more.
Coherence and Cohesion
The three sentences follow a generally logical introductory sequence, but the very short single paragraph cannot demonstrate sustained progression.
Organise the response into an introduction, focused body paragraphs with clear internal progression, and a conclusion.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary such as 'passive smokers,' 'curb,' and 'laudable' shows some range, although a few word choices and collocations are imprecise.
Use more natural expressions such as 'smoking,' 'smokers' medical costs,' and 'discrimination against people's rights.'
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses both simple and complex structures with generally clear meaning, but the final sentence contains a faulty 'while ... but' construction.
Use either 'while' or 'but,' not both, and check article, possessive, and plural forms in complex sentences.