The increase in people’s life expectancy means that they have to work older to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at a younger age. Is this alternative a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
In recent years, overall life expectancy across the globe has increased considerably, which is delightful, but this straightaway leads people to continue working at an older age. Some consider starting to work at an early age as a solution; however, I do not find it positive at all, which is explained in the below composition.
Generally, people complete their graduation when they turn 23 or 22 and start doing jobs or business. If these naive minds, at 20 or 21, without even completing their graduation, start working in a multinational company, then they might lose their confidence as they are not aware of office operations. Further to this, from an optimistic perspective, if they earn well, still they do not possess the level of maturity to save or invest the money they earn. Basically, they do not even know what the best buy in a grocery store is. In this way, nations, especially developing countries, conceivably lose some bright students. In India, for instance, many students abscond their college studies in order to do a part-time job. Still, many of them never complete graduation and end up with a disastrous professional career. On top of this, many students leave their academic careers completely once they start earning, which, in my view, is completely preposterous because those innocent minds could not see their life from a broader vision. Hence, it would be an injustice to millennials if we make them work at an early age.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct verb pattern Original: starting to work at an early age as a solution Suggested revision: starting work at a younger age to be a solution Why it matters: Consider requires an object followed by an infinitive complement in this structure.
- 2. Use standard reference Original: in the below composition Suggested revision: in this essay Why it matters: The below composition is not an idiomatic way to refer to the present essay.
- 3. Use natural collocation Original: complete their graduation Suggested revision: graduate Why it matters: English normally uses the verb graduate rather than complete a graduation.
- 4. Express age naturally Original: when they turn 23 or 22 Suggested revision: when they are 22 or 23 Why it matters: This is the more natural structure for giving an approximate age range.
- 5. Correct work collocation Original: start doing jobs or business Suggested revision: start working or running businesses Why it matters: Do jobs or business is not natural in this context.
- 6. Use accurate reference Original: these naive minds Suggested revision: these young people Why it matters: Minds cannot literally start working, and naive is an unsupported description.
- 7. Correct verb form Original: without even completing their graduation Suggested revision: without even graduating Why it matters: Graduating is the natural verb form after without.
- 8. Correct collocation Original: lose their confidence Suggested revision: lose confidence Why it matters: Lose confidence is the standard uncountable collocation in this meaning.
- 9. Use clearer term Original: office operations Suggested revision: workplace practices Why it matters: Workplace practices more clearly describes unfamiliar ways of working in an office.
- 10. Clarify consequence link Original: In this way Suggested revision: Consequently Why it matters: The connector should explicitly signal that the national loss is presented as a consequence.
- 11. Use natural phrasing Original: conceivably lose some bright students Suggested revision: may lose some promising students Why it matters: May and promising students express the intended possibility more naturally.
- 12. Correct verb choice Original: abscond Suggested revision: abandon Why it matters: Abscond does not take studies as its direct object in this meaning.
Suggested Rewrites
- starting to work at an early age as a solution starting work at a younger age to be a solution
- in the below composition in this essay
- complete their graduation graduate
- when they turn 23 or 22 when they are 22 or 23
- start doing jobs or business start working or running businesses
- these naive minds these young people
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response presents a clear negative position and supports it with a sustained explanation of how very early employment may interrupt education and weaken long-term prospects. Its main limitation is that it equates starting younger with leaving university in one extended paragraph, so the argument is narrower and more repetitive than the task requires; the priority is to consider a realistic range of starting ages, organise distinct reasons, and add a concise conclusion.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear negative position is maintained and supported, but the response treats younger employment too narrowly as abandoning university and ends without a conclusion.
Evaluate the proposal more broadly by considering different starting ages and employment arrangements, then restate the judgement in a brief conclusion.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument follows a broadly clear line, although one long body paragraph contains repetitive points and limits paragraph-level organisation.
Divide the reasoning into distinct paragraphs, such as educational consequences and financial maturity, with each paragraph developing one central idea.
Lexical Resource
The response shows some range, but frequent awkward collocations and imprecise choices make the language sound unnatural despite generally clear meaning.
Replace expressions such as below composition, abscond their college studies, and broader vision with natural, context-appropriate academic phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex sentences is used with generally clear meaning, though several clauses have awkward word order or faulty linking.
Improve control of concessive and conditional structures, especially constructions such as if they earn well, still they do not possess.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The increase in people’s life expectancy means that they have to work older to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at a younger age. Is this alternative a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.