The increase in people’s life expectancy means that they have to work older to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at a younger age. Is this alternative a positive or negative development?
Sample Response
The astounding prance of medical science and technologies has phenomenally improved and enhanced the quality and the average life span of people today. With this, the total population has also substantially expanded, thereby, increasing the strife and competition to survive. Hence, people starting to work at a younger age seems to be a pragmatic and wise option.
Without any shade of thought otherwise, it is very evident that the competition amongst people today has been neck-jolting, and with more focus on specificity and less on the generalized version, the situation has only aggravated. Working right from the early years helps in honing the skillsets of employees, giving them enough opportunities to try out different ventures and probe the zone they are enchanted by. Secondly, being employed from the very start gives a larger array and spectrum to work in and, obviously, a longer period to earn the capital, which would anchor them in the later stages of life. Youths getting enough exposure is one thing, but other than that, even the employers and organizations are benefitted from the diligence and better attention span of their young counterparts. Better grasping power is yet another factor in this regard.
With the ever-increasing population dynamics of the current world, where resources are getting sparser and scantier day by day, “Survival Of The Fittest” shall soon come into the picture amongst people and in this framework, it shall be very arduous and onerous to stabilize and board themselves and therefore, working from the younger age gives people a plethora of options they are best suited for and hence efficiently get their hands on the job they are well invested and inclined towards.
Some may champion the perspective of younger people being hackneyed by the work pressure. However, that could be greatly mitigated in the tutelage of elder working professionals.
Summing up, it is conspicuously essential and should rather be a must for the people of current times to start working from a younger age to harness the best of their potential. Also, the investment in the form of hours put in is directly proportional to the quality of life in the elderly state of human life.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Correct word choice Original: astounding prance Suggested revision: remarkable advances Why it matters: Prance does not mean progress or development in this context.
- 2. Fix subject agreement Original: technologies has Suggested revision: technology have Why it matters: The coordinated subject medical science and technology requires a plural verb.
- 3. Remove inflated repetition Original: phenomenally improved and enhanced Suggested revision: greatly improved Why it matters: Improved and enhanced repeat the same idea, while phenomenally is unnecessarily emphatic.
- 4. Complete the collocation Original: the quality and the average life span of people today Suggested revision: people's quality of life and average lifespan Why it matters: Quality requires of life here, and lifespan is normally written as one word.
- 5. Remove unnecessary comma Original: thereby, increasing Suggested revision: thereby increasing Why it matters: A comma should not separate thereby from the participle it modifies.
- 6. Use accurate noun Original: the strife and competition Suggested revision: pressure and competition Why it matters: Strife suggests bitter conflict and is too strong for the intended idea of social pressure.
- 7. Clarify the subject Original: people starting to work at a younger age seems Suggested revision: starting work at a younger age seems Why it matters: The revision creates a clear singular gerund phrase to agree with seems.
- 8. Use concise phrasing Original: right from the early years Suggested revision: from an early age Why it matters: This is the natural expression for beginning work while young.
- 9. Prefer standard term Original: skillsets Suggested revision: skills Why it matters: Skills is clearer and more natural in this formal context.
- 10. Remove mixed phrasing Original: a larger array and spectrum to work in Suggested revision: a wider range of fields to work in Why it matters: Array and spectrum are redundantly combined and lack a clear noun for employment areas.
- 11. Use natural collocation Original: earn the capital Suggested revision: earn money Why it matters: Individuals normally earn money or income rather than earn capital.
- 12. Clarify the benefit Original: anchor them in the later stages of life Suggested revision: support them later in life Why it matters: Anchor them is not a natural expression for providing financial security.
Suggested Rewrites
- astounding prance remarkable advances
- technologies has technology have
- phenomenally improved and enhanced greatly improved
- the quality and the average life span of people today people's quality of life and average lifespan
- thereby, increasing thereby increasing
- the strife and competition pressure and competition
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a clear positive position and offers several potentially relevant benefits of beginning work earlier, including skill development, longer earnings, and workplace exposure. Its main limitation is that these ideas are often asserted through exaggerated or unclear language and are only loosely connected to the retirement issue in the prompt. The highest-priority improvement is to develop two precise, realistic reasons and explain explicitly how each affects people's ability to finance a longer retirement.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The positive position is clear and several relevant benefits are presented, but their connection to longer life expectancy and retirement is often indirect or insufficiently explained.
Select two central benefits and develop each with a realistic example that directly shows how starting younger supports retirement finances.
Coherence and Cohesion
The overall argument is recognisable and paragraphing is evident, although progression weakens through repetition, abrupt additions, and an overloaded third paragraph.
Give each body paragraph one controlling idea and divide long chains of reasoning into shorter, clearly sequenced sentences.
Lexical Resource
The response attempts a broad vocabulary, but frequent miscollocations and inflated expressions make several ideas unnatural or difficult to interpret.
Prioritise accurate, conventional wording and replace phrases such as neck-jolting and hackneyed by the work pressure with precise everyday academic language.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted frequently, but agreement, article, preposition, punctuation, and sentence-boundary errors recur and sometimes strain clarity.
Use fewer multi-clause sentences and check each clause for a clear subject-verb relationship before adding further coordination or subordination.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
The increase in people’s life expectancy means that they have to work older to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at a younger age. Is this alternative a positive or negative development?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.