Sport is one of the most popular draws on television today. Some people argue that the practice of showing sport on television is to blame for the poor health of the young generation by encouraging them to watch rather than partake in physical activity. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?
This response is estimated at Band 6.0. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
Technology has given people wings to fly, but at the same timealong with that, it has made them lethargic. One such technological advancement is television. With many kinds of content available on televisionWith different kinds of content being lined up on television, sport is one such type of programmingsport is one such programme which is watched and enjoyed by people of all age groupsall groups of people, and the ongoing craze of different sports on television has inspired the young generation to a great extent. The question is whetherNow the question arises if this trend should be blamedis supposed to be blamed for the poor health of the young generation or not. This essay delves into this issue. The more they watch their favourite sports on TV, the more they become addicted to watching it, whilst the evolution of sports on television was not meant to do that. The motive to promote sports on televisiontelevisions was to inform people about sporting activitiesinform people of sports activities and to instil a feeling of vigour and enthusiasm in people, particularly among young people, so that they take part in different sports. However, these days, the young generation regardstakes watching sports on television as a leisure activity. Instead of inspiring young peopleInstead of inspiring, it has insteadrather instilled a apathy towards taking partfeeling of apathy about taking part in outdoor sports among youth by occupying their free time. Moreover, young people these daysthe young one's, these days, just love to enjoy themselveshave a gala time watching sports. They no longermore feel the need to go out and partake in physical activities, which in turnactivities which in turn has affected their health. According to some recent statistics, more than 80% of youths watch major football tournaments on TV, a many-fold increase compared with the previous decadea many-fold rise than the last decade, but the number of people playing footballactual participants in football in real life has considerably decreased compared with that of the previous generationhave considerably decreased than our past generation. In my view, there is no harm in watching sports on television sometimes. But if it exceeds the desired time limit then the alarm has to be raised. Along with watching sports, they should take part in these sports in the fields and outdoors.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response maintains a relevant, qualified position and develops the link between passive viewing and reduced activity with a supporting example. Its effectiveness is weakened by the absence of paragraphing and by recurring awkward or inaccurate expressions, which make an otherwise understandable argument feel compressed and less precise. Organise the argument into clear introduction, body, and conclusion paragraphs, then edit collocations and sentence boundaries carefully.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
The response addresses the claim and ultimately gives a qualified opinion, though the position emerges late and development is somewhat repetitive.
State the degree of agreement in the introduction and develop distinct reasons instead of revisiting the same viewing-versus-participation point.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument has a discernible progression, but presenting the entire response as one paragraph severely weakens organisation.
Separate the introduction, supporting arguments, and conclusion into purposeful paragraphs with one clear function each.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary shows reasonable range, but frequent awkward collocations and word-form choices limit precision.
Replace expressions such as many-fold rise than and the young one's with accurate, natural academic phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex forms communicates meaning clearly, although agreement, punctuation, and comparative structures contain recurring errors.
Edit plural forms, possessives, sentence boundaries, and comparisons systematically before submitting.