Some people say that there is too much harmful content on the internet. They say the only way to make the internet safe is for the government to censor the content of websites. To what extent do you think the government should control what information is available on the internet?
Sample Response
The graph shows the percentages of adult males smokers of countries consisting of the world average, Armenia, Egypt, Lebanon, Bangladesh, Cuba, Mexico and Australia. The data gathered are from the year of 2000 and 2015.
Overall, Armenia has the highest percentage of male smokers in 2000, while, the highest amount in 2015 is held by both Armenia and Cuba. In contrast, Australia has the lowest rates in both years compared to the other countries.
Armenia consists of 65% males who smokes in the country; making it the highest percentage upon the rest. Bangladesh is second behind Armenia, only arround 3% off Armenia. By comparison, the lowest amount of male smokers are Australia with only 28%, below the world average.
In terms of 2015, Armenia maintains as the higher percentage. However, Cuba has a similar amount of smokers from 2000 with a slight reduction. This caused both Cuba and Armenia to be in contention for the highest percentage of 51%. By contrast, Australia is still the lowest percentage among the 6 countries and the world average. The data dropped from 28% to the trought of 17%.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Incorrect noun modifier pluralization Original: adult males smokers Suggested revision: adult male smokers Why it matters: The noun modifier 'male' should be singular when modifying the plural noun 'smokers'.
- 2. Incorrect verb choice Original: countries consisting of Suggested revision: countries including Why it matters: The list of countries does not constitute the entire world, so 'including' is more accurate than 'consisting of'.
- 3. Plural noun required Original: year of 2000 and 2015 Suggested revision: years 2000 and 2015 Why it matters: Since two distinct years are mentioned, the plural form 'years' should be used.
- 4. Unnecessary comma after while Original: while, the highest Suggested revision: while the highest Why it matters: Do not place a comma immediately after the subordinating conjunction 'while'.
- 5. Subject-verb agreement error Original: males who smokes Suggested revision: males who smoke Why it matters: The plural relative pronoun 'who' referring to 'males' requires the plural verb form 'smoke'.
- 6. Incorrect semicolon usage Original: country; making Suggested revision: country, making Why it matters: A semicolon must separate two independent clauses; use a comma before a participle clause.
- 7. Spelling mistake Original: arround Suggested revision: around Why it matters: The word 'around' is spelled with a single 'r'.
- 8. Subject-verb agreement mismatch Original: lowest amount of male smokers are Australia Suggested revision: lowest proportion of male smokers was recorded in Australia Why it matters: The singular subject 'amount' (or 'proportion') does not agree with 'are', and a country cannot be an amount.
- 9. Awkward phrasing Original: maintains as the higher percentage Suggested revision: maintains the highest percentage Why it matters: Use the superlative 'highest' when comparing more than two countries, and omit the preposition 'as'.
- 10. Spelling mistake Original: trought Suggested revision: trough Why it matters: The noun meaning a low point is spelled 'trough'.
- 11. Improve logical connection Original: This caused both Cuba and Armenia to be in contention for the highest percentage of 51%. Suggested revision: As a result, both Cuba and Armenia shared the highest percentage at 51%. Why it matters: The phrase 'in contention' implies they are competing for a future title, whereas they simply shared the same recorded figure.
- 12. Correct article and noun usage Original: The data dropped from 28% to the trought of 17%. Suggested revision: The figure dropped from 28% to a trough of 17%. Why it matters: Use 'figure' or 'rate' instead of 'data' for a single trend line, and use the indefinite article 'a' before 'trough'.
Suggested Rewrites
- adult males smokers adult male smokers
- countries consisting of countries including
- year of 2000 and 2015 years 2000 and 2015
- while, the highest while the highest
- males who smokes males who smoke
- country; making country, making
Why this response received Band 4.5
The response is completely off-topic because it describes a Task 1 data graph about smoking rates instead of addressing the Task 2 essay prompt on internet censorship. To improve, you must carefully read the prompt and ensure you write an argumentative essay that directly answers the specific question asked. Additionally, the response is significantly under the 250-word minimum, which further impacts the overall evaluation.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
The response completely fails to address the essay prompt regarding internet censorship, instead describing a graph about male smoking percentages.
Always ensure you answer the specific prompt provided for Task 2 rather than writing a Task 1 report.
Coherence and Cohesion
While the text is organized into paragraphs with some logical progression, the structure is entirely inappropriate for a Task 2 essay.
Structure your response as an essay with an introduction, body paragraphs presenting arguments, and a conclusion.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary used is suitable for describing data but does not relate to the required topic of internet safety and government control.
Develop a wide range of topic-specific vocabulary related to social issues, technology, and government policy.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammatical control is limited, with several errors in subject-verb agreement, article use, and word form.
Practice writing complex sentences with correct subject-verb agreement and accurate prepositional phrases.