Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Sample Response
Since the dawn of the time, women have been playing a crucial role in the civilisation and development of mankind. It is clear that women can play a vital role in various defence forces so the writer of this statement thinks that they are a blessing for their country.
To commence with, women will be a boon to the force. To be clear, the world has realised that women are equally capable as men in both mentally and physically abilities. As women are blessed with intellectual and cognitive skills, they can use these invaluable skills in the force. In addition to this, as we know, women are already serving in the various other physically demanding job sectors such as white collar and blue collar worker. It is unwise to select them in this job sector. More importantly, women are naturally less aggressive and peace makers and these qualities are blessing for the force and once they come to leadership these helps to reduce conflict among the nations. Further, women are already part of the police department and they have proved that they are capable of doing adventures and riskier jobs. To cite an example, women leaders such as Queen Isabella, Victoria and the like ruled vast spectrum of power.
On the other hand, women have some physiological barriers in joining the defence force. To make it clear, since women have to give birth to the child and nurture them, they need maternity leave for that. If women are in the force, it would be impossible for them to get leave at the time of war. Apart from that, many retrogressive people argue that women's primary function is to prepare food and look after children and husband so they should not opt to go for a job.
To conclude, in this advanced era, women have been working in every realm and they have proved that they can contribute a lot to the society so they should take in defence force.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove the article Original: the dawn of the time Suggested revision: the dawn of time Why it matters: The fixed expression is the dawn of time without the before time.
- 2. Fix comparison form Original: equally Suggested revision: as Why it matters: The equality comparison requires the as ... as structure.
- 3. Use adjective forms Original: both mentally and physically abilities Suggested revision: both mental and physical abilities Why it matters: Adjectives rather than adverbs are needed to modify abilities.
- 4. Remove extra article Original: the various other Suggested revision: various other Why it matters: The definite article is unnecessary before this general plural noun phrase.
- 5. Use accurate noun Original: physically demanding job sectors Suggested revision: physically demanding jobs Why it matters: The examples refer to kinds of work rather than economic sectors.
- 6. Correct reversed meaning Original: unwise Suggested revision: wise Why it matters: Unwise contradicts the paragraph's argument that women should be selected.
- 7. Use natural wording Original: peace makers Suggested revision: people who promote peace Why it matters: The revision expresses the intended quality with a natural noun phrase.
- 8. Add an article Original: qualities are blessing Suggested revision: qualities are a blessing Why it matters: The singular count noun blessing requires an article.
- 9. Use natural collocation Original: come to leadership Suggested revision: take on leadership roles Why it matters: Take on leadership roles is the idiomatic expression for assuming leadership.
- 10. Fix agreement Original: these helps Suggested revision: these qualities help Why it matters: The plural subject requires help, and naming qualities makes the reference clear.
- 11. Remove unnecessary article Original: among the nations Suggested revision: among nations Why it matters: Nations is used generally here, so the definite article is unnecessary.
- 12. Use natural collocation Original: doing adventures Suggested revision: taking on challenging tasks Why it matters: English does not normally use do with adventures in this employment context.
Suggested Rewrites
- the dawn of the time the dawn of time
- equally as
- both mentally and physically abilities both mental and physical abilities
- the various other various other
- physically demanding job sectors physically demanding jobs
- unwise wise
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response presents a clear position and offers several relevant reasons why women can contribute to the armed forces, with an opposing consideration also acknowledged. However, some claims and examples are loosely connected, and frequent language inaccuracies occasionally create unintended or contradictory meaning. The highest priority is to develop fewer arguments more logically and proofread sentence-level wording so that every point consistently supports the stated view.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Response
A clear agreement is maintained and supported by several relevant ideas, but development is uneven and some examples are only loosely persuasive.
Select two strongest reasons and explain their direct relevance to military service with specific, credible support.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas are organised into a logical overall structure, though the long main body paragraph and formulaic transitions weaken progression.
Divide distinct arguments into focused paragraphs and make the logical relationship between each claim and example explicit.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a reasonably broad range of topic vocabulary, but awkward collocations and inaccurate word choices are common.
Check natural word partnerships and revise imprecise phrases, especially those describing ability, employment, leadership, and military roles.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex structures are attempted, but recurring agreement, article, form, and sentence-control errors reduce accuracy and sometimes clarity.
Edit each sentence for subject-verb agreement, correct word forms, articles, and clearly controlled clause boundaries.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy and the air force just like men. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.