At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
Sample Response
In recent times, some countries have seen a significant increase in the number of young adults in their population, while the number of older people remains relatively low. This demographic situation has led to debates on whether the advantages of having a predominantly young population outweigh the disadvantages. This essay will assess both the pros and cons of this situation and conclude that having a large proportion of youths has more advantages than demerits.
One advantage of having a large population of young adults is the potential for economic growth. Young adults are typically more productive and innovative and are more likely to start businesses that can contribute to economic growth. Additionally, a large pool of young workers can help offset the financial burden of providing healthcare and pensions for an ageing population. For example, countries like India and China have a significant young population, which has contributed to their rapid economic growth in recent years.
A high population of young adults can also have negative consequences. One of the main disadvantages is the potential for high unemployment rates, particularly if there is not enough demand for labour. This can lead to social unrest and political instability. Additionally, a young population can also lead to a lack of experienced workers, which can create skill shortages in certain industries, such as healthcare and education.
Despite the potential disadvantages, I believe that the advantages of having a relatively large number of young adults in a population outweigh the disadvantages. The economic benefits of a young population are too significant to ignore, particularly in developing countries that are trying to achieve rapid economic growth.
In conclusion, while having a large population of young adults has both advantages and disadvantages, I believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. Governments should focus on developing policies and programs to maximize the potential economic benefits of a young population while mitigating the potential negative consequences.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use concise debate phrase Original: has led to debates on whether Suggested revision: has prompted debate over whether Why it matters: The revision is more concise and uses the natural preposition over.
- 2. Match task terminology Original: the pros and cons Suggested revision: the advantages and disadvantages Why it matters: The formal terms align more closely with the task and the rest of the essay.
- 3. Use natural group noun Original: proportion of youths Suggested revision: proportion of young adults Why it matters: Young adults is more natural and maintains the task's terminology.
- 4. Use parallel comparison Original: demerits Suggested revision: disadvantages Why it matters: Using the same opposing term creates a clear parallel comparison.
- 5. Use formal example marker Original: countries like India and China Suggested revision: countries such as India and China Why it matters: Such as is more appropriate for introducing examples in formal writing.
- 6. Use precise size adjective Original: significant Suggested revision: large Why it matters: Large describes population size more directly than significant.
- 7. Use population size term Original: high Suggested revision: large Why it matters: Populations are described as large rather than high.
- 8. Use concise risk phrase Original: the potential for high unemployment rates Suggested revision: the risk of high unemployment Why it matters: The revision conveys the possible disadvantage more concisely.
- 9. Use concise quantity phrase Original: not enough demand for labour Suggested revision: insufficient demand for labour Why it matters: Insufficient is more concise and formal.
- 10. Remove duplicate additive Original: Additionally, a young population can also Suggested revision: Additionally, a young population can Why it matters: Additionally and also perform the same linking function.
Suggested Rewrites
- has led to debates on whether has prompted debate over whether
- the pros and cons the advantages and disadvantages
- proportion of youths proportion of young adults
- demerits disadvantages
- countries like India and China countries such as India and China
- significant large
Why this response received Band 8.0
The response is well organised and directly evaluates both the economic benefits and potential social costs of a youthful population, maintaining a clear conclusion throughout. Its main limitation is that the decisive comparison is asserted more strongly than it is demonstrated, and some vocabulary is slightly formulaic or imprecise. The highest priority is to explain why the stated benefits outweigh the identified risks through a more explicit comparison of scale and conditions.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both advantages and disadvantages are relevant, clearly developed, and tied to a consistent judgement, though the final weighing of them remains somewhat brief.
Compare the magnitude and likelihood of the economic gains with the unemployment and skills risks instead of mainly restating that the benefits are greater.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ideas progress logically through well-focused paragraphs, and cohesive devices guide the reader smoothly without obscuring the argument.
Reduce minor repetition of ‘young population’ by using concise referencing where the meaning remains unmistakable.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and generally precise, with effective terms for demographic and economic issues, although choices such as ‘demerits’ and ‘a high population’ are slightly awkward.
Use more natural academic collocations, such as ‘drawbacks’ and ‘a large proportion of young adults’, while retaining the existing range.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response uses varied complex sentences with strong control, and grammatical errors are rare and do not impede communication.
Refine occasional compressed constructions by checking that modifiers and comparative statements identify their referents as precisely as possible.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.