Some people say that young people should be encouraged to leave home when they become adults, while others claim it is better if they remain with their family. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Sample Response
It is asserted by many that young adults ought to be motivated to leave home once they grow up, while others think it better to stay with their family. This essay will explore both perspectives. Personally, I believe that although young adults who stay away from family develop self-dependence and other life skills, staying with family is more important because it ensures financial stability and better family relationships.
Those who argue in favour of young adults living independently away from home believe that it helps them acquire independence and essential life skills. Living independently, put simply, requires managing house chores, financing and other daily responsibilities. Consequently, young people can learn essential life skills that contribute to their maturity and personal growth. A young adult who leaves his parent's home, for instance, needs to learn how to draw up a budget, pay bills and adhere to that budget.
On the contrary, proponents of young adults staying with family argue that it gives them financial stability and strengthens family bonds. Without a doubt, families can provide a financial safety net for young adults, allowing them to save money on rent, utilities and other living expenses by sharing the expenses with their family. This financial support can allow them to invest in their education, and personal growth, or save for their future goals. For example, a youngster who is pursuing tertiary education may choose to remain with his family to lighten the financial burden of apartment rent or other household expenditures. Moreover, young adults who stay with their families are more likely to take responsibility when their parents get older. The constant interactions with family members keep them close-knit and it helps create a better societal practice in which family comes first. I therefore believe that a young adult staying at home is far better than leaving their home.
In conclusion, although staying away from home after reaching adulthood can help them develop self-reliance and other life skills, it is evident that staying at home provides them with financial stability and better family ties, which proves to be far more beneficial.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Match encouragement wording Original: motivated Suggested revision: encouraged Why it matters: ‘Encouraged’ is the natural verb for supporting a voluntary life choice.
- 2. Add linking verb Original: others think it better Suggested revision: others think it is better Why it matters: The clause requires the linking verb ‘is’ after ‘it’.
- 3. Use standard noun Original: dependence Suggested revision: reliance Why it matters: ‘Self-reliance’ is the established term for the ability to depend on oneself.
- 4. Remove repeated meaning Original: living independently away from home Suggested revision: living independently Why it matters: ‘Independently’ already conveys living away from the family home.
- 5. Use household collocation Original: house Suggested revision: household Why it matters: The standard expression is ‘household chores’.
- 6. Use inclusive possession Original: his parent's home Suggested revision: their parents’ home Why it matters: The singular ‘their’ avoids an unnecessary gender assumption, and the plural possessive suits parents generally.
- 7. Use budget collocation Original: adhere Suggested revision: stick Why it matters: People commonly ‘stick to’ a budget.
- 8. Use comparison transition Original: On the contrary, proponents Suggested revision: In contrast, proponents Why it matters: ‘In contrast’ introduces the opposing view without implying that the previous statement is false.
- 9. Use consistent list comma Original: rent, utilities and other living expenses Suggested revision: rent, utilities, and other living expenses Why it matters: The serial comma makes the three-part list unambiguous.
- 10. Match plural families Original: family Suggested revision: families Why it matters: The plural matches the general reference to multiple young adults.
- 11. Remove list commas Original: education, and personal growth, or save Suggested revision: education and personal growth or save Why it matters: The commas wrongly separate coordinated objects and alternatives.
- 12. Use natural cost phrase Original: lighten the financial burden of apartment rent Suggested revision: reduce the financial burden of rent Why it matters: ‘Reduce the burden of rent’ is more concise and idiomatic.
Suggested Rewrites
- motivated encouraged
- others think it better others think it is better
- dependence reliance
- living independently away from home living independently
- house household
- his parent's home their parents’ home
Why this response received Band 7.5
The essay discusses both choices clearly, maintains a consistent preference for remaining with family, and supports each side with relevant practical examples. Its strongest feature is the developed explanation of financial security and family bonds, while the main limitation is some repetition and occasional imprecise wording or pronoun reference. Prioritise a more balanced comparative evaluation showing why the family benefits outweigh the independence gained by leaving home.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Response
Both views are directly discussed, the preference for staying with family is clear throughout, and each side receives relevant explanation and illustration.
Strengthen the evaluation by explicitly weighing financial stability and family support against the independence and life skills gained from leaving.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically paragraphed and progresses clearly from the position through each view to a consistent conclusion, with only minor repetition.
Condense repeated references to financial stability, life skills, and family ties so each paragraph contributes a distinct step in the comparison.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary is varied and generally precise, though some collocations such as ‘self-dependence’, ‘managing house chores’, and ‘better societal practice’ are unnatural.
Use idiomatic alternatives such as ‘self-reliance’, ‘doing household chores’, ‘managing finances’, and ‘a culture that values family responsibility’.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A wide range of complex structures is used with good control, while occasional pronoun, possessive, and agreement lapses remain non-impeding.
Maintain consistent number and reference, especially in ‘a young adult … their’, ‘his parents’ home’, and clauses referring back to plural interactions.
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IELTS Writing Task 2
Some people say that young people should be encouraged to leave home when they become adults, while others claim it is better if they remain with their family. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.