The graph below shows the alcohol-related deaths in 7 different countries and the average beer consumption in 2005.
Sample Response
The table data shows the alcohol-related mortality in 2005 in 7 different countries and per person beer consumption in these countries in 2002. Overall, the most alcohol-related deaths were in the Czech Republic in 2005 while the average beer consumption there was also the highest. Death from alcohol intake was more prevalent among men than that of women. More than 5 million people departed in 2005 from the alcohol intake in the given seven countries and it was significantly higher among men. There is a connection between the per capita beer consumption with the death from alcohol-related problems. In the Czech Republic, on an average, each citizen drank 132 litres beer in 2005 and that caused the highest number of alcohol-related death in this country (about 1,36,9000 death). German consumed the second highest amount of beer and it caused the second highest death in this country which was about 1,185,000. Lithuanian population drank comparatively fewer litres of beers on an average and the least number of people (about 125,000) died from the alcohol-related diseases there. Austria, Ireland, Canada and Estonia had comparatively higher alcohol consumption and higher death rates from alcohol. Interestingly the alcohol-related death in Canada was higher than the Estonia and Lithuania though Canadian people consumes comparatively less quantity of beers than the latter two countries. Finally, the percentage of females who died from alcohol-related problems was lower than their male counterparts.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Fix word order Original: per person beer consumption Suggested revision: beer consumption per person Why it matters: This noun phrase needs the measurement expression after “consumption.”
- 2. Use count language Original: the most alcohol-related deaths Suggested revision: the highest number of alcohol-related deaths Why it matters: Deaths are countable, so “the highest number” is the precise comparison.
- 3. Use chart term Original: Death from alcohol intake Suggested revision: Alcohol-related deaths Why it matters: This wording matches the category measured in the table.
- 4. Use died Original: departed Suggested revision: died Why it matters: “Departed” does not naturally express mortality in this statistical report.
- 5. Clarify cause category Original: from the alcohol intake Suggested revision: from alcohol-related causes Why it matters: The table reports alcohol-related deaths rather than deaths directly from intake.
- 6. Fix correlation phrase Original: with the death Suggested revision: and deaths Why it matters: The construction is “a connection between X and Y.”
- 7. Add of Original: 132 litres beer Suggested revision: 132 litres of beer Why it matters: Measurements require “of” before the substance being measured.
- 8. Correct death figure Original: 1,36,9000 death Suggested revision: 1,369,000 deaths Why it matters: The table gives 1,369,000 deaths, and the plural noun is required.
- 9. Use country name Original: German Suggested revision: Germany Why it matters: The subject should be the country name, not the adjective “German.”
- 10. Avoid false causation Original: it caused the second highest death Suggested revision: the country recorded the second-highest number of alcohol-related deaths Why it matters: The table shows associated totals but does not establish that beer consumption caused them.
- 11. Use uncountable beer Original: fewer litres of beers Suggested revision: less beer Why it matters: “Beer” is uncountable when referring to the consumed quantity.
- 12. Match measured category Original: diseases Suggested revision: causes Why it matters: The visual reports deaths without classifying them specifically as diseases.
Suggested Rewrites
- per person beer consumption beer consumption per person
- the most alcohol-related deaths the highest number of alcohol-related deaths
- Death from alcohol intake Alcohol-related deaths
- departed died
- from the alcohol intake from alcohol-related causes
- with the death and deaths
Why this response received Band 6.0
The response identifies the dominant country, the gender pattern, and several major comparisons accurately, giving it a clear factual core. Its main weakness is recurring imprecision in data description and language, including a malformed Czech total and overgeneralised claims about consumption and death rates. Prioritise exact figures and categories, then proofread agreement, articles, and collocations so the comparisons read cleanly and authoritatively.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
A clear overview identifies the Czech Republic and male mortality as dominant features, and most major figures and comparisons are accurate despite some imprecise claims and one malformed total.
Verify every figure against the table, distinguish counts from percentages, and avoid broad claims about consumption and mortality unless all countries support them.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response moves logically from an overview to country comparisons, but the single dense paragraph and some loosely connected claims weaken the organisation.
Separate the introduction, overview, and grouped detail comparisons into clear paragraphs with more purposeful links.
Lexical Resource
There is an adequate range of topic vocabulary, but recurring awkward collocations and word-choice errors reduce precision.
Use accurate combinations such as alcohol-related deaths, beer consumption, and died from alcohol-related causes, and avoid informal or incorrect substitutes.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex sentence forms are attempted and meaning remains clear, but agreement, article, plural, and preposition errors occur frequently.
Proofread each sentence for subject-verb agreement, countable noun forms, articles, and prepositions before finalising the report.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The graph below shows the alcohol-related deaths in 7 different countries and the average beer consumption in 2005.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.