The graph gives information about employment categories of a country in 2003 and 2013.
This response is estimated at Band 5.5. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of adults across variouscompares the information about employment categories of a country in 2003 and 2013.
It is immediately apparent that the adultadults population in both medical and business fields decreasedhad a decreased change over a decade, while people workingworked in education training, hotel industry, building, self-employment, and unemploymentself-employed, and unemployed increased during the time.
Looking at the specific sectors,Breaking down the data further, it is evident that the share of business people reached its highest recorded value at about 44 percentpercentage, compared with the other sixcomparing with other four categories in both 2003 and 2013, with the lowest proportion in hotelhostel industry at around 5% in 2003. The differences between two groups data in this ten years was that employees in business in 2003 was much more than the other six categories, at about 45%other four categories, at about 45%, which was almost triple that of self-employed adultstriple than self-employed adults value.
Another key point is that the percentages of employees in education training, self-employed and unemployed in 2003 more than doubledrose double in 2013. The percentages of employedemployment population in medical fields dropped down to aroundround 12%, and the figure for people in building industry increased from aroundround 12% in 2003 to aroundround 22% in 2013, which showed completely contrasting trends.totally contrast trends.
Why this response received Band 5.5
The essay effectively identifies the main trends and provides a clear overview comparing the employment categories across both years. However, inaccurate word choices and frequent grammatical errors in sentence structure undermine the clarity of the detailed reporting. To improve, focus on using precise statistical vocabulary and refining complex grammatical patterns for reporting comparative data accurately.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The response includes a clear overview and covers key categories, though some numerical comparisons and trends are slightly inaccurate or confusingly stated.
Ensure all numerical data and comparative proportions, such as fold increases, are double-checked for complete precision against the chart.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is logically organized into paragraphs with a clear progression, despite reliance on somewhat mechanical transition phrases.
Vary cohesive devices naturally rather than relying on formulaic expressions to introduce descriptive paragraphs.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary conveys the main ideas, but noticeable errors in word form, word choice, and spelling occur frequently.
Practice using accurate data description collocations and correct terms, avoiding errors like confusing hotel with hostel or using percentage improperly.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex sentence structures is attempted, but frequent grammatical errors in subject-verb agreement and noun phrasing are present.
Review complex clause structures and prepositional phrases used for making comparisons to reduce structural errors.