The line graph shows the average monthly salary of Japanese people (in yen) and the prices of black-and-white televisions and colour televisions from 1953 to 1973.
This response is estimated at Band 6.0. Can you write a better one?
Write yours and get clear feedback on all four criteria.
- Closest to official scores
- What to fix on each criterion
- Feedback in about 20 seconds · free
Sample Response
The line graph illustrates the average monthly salary of Japanese people and the prices of black-and-white televisions and colour televisions between 1953 and 1973 (with colour television data starting in 1958).between 1953 and 1973.
Overall, the average monthly salary continued to rise throughout the period. In contrast,On the other hand, the prices of black-and-white televisions and colour televisions continued to drop atwith different rates.
The average monthly salary stood at approximately 30,000 yen in 1953and rose steadily to, then continued to rise, at 40,000 yen in 1958, eventually reachingfinally peaking at 180,000 yen in 1973, while the corresponding figure increased faster every five years.
Turning to product prices,Nevertheless, the prices of black-and-white televisions and colour televisions exhibited a downward trend.kept dropping. The price of colour televisionsTV stood at 180,000 yen in 1958, then continued to decrease to around 90,000 yen in 197390,000 yen 1973, while it matched the averageshared the same figure with monthly salary in 1968, at 100,000 yen. MeanwhileBesides, the price of black-and-white TV continued to decrease, recording a low of about 3538,000 yen in 1973. Also, the figure for black-and-white TVs was higher than the monthly salary before 1963,black-and-white TV was higher than monthly salary before 1963, at 60,000 yen in 1963, then duedut to a decline in price,the decrease of its price, it was lower than monthly salary.
Why this response received Band 6.0
The essay presents a clear overview and effectively highlights key points and trends, such as key intersection points between salaries and television prices. However, slight inaccuracies in reading specific start dates and occasional grammatical slip-ups reduce overall precision. Focus on double-checking chart data points and refining complex clause structures to achieve a higher score.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
The response identifies key trends and intersection points well, though there is a minor data error regarding the start year for colour TVs.
Verify the exact starting year and initial data point for each category before writing to ensure complete accuracy.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information is logically organized into dedicated paragraphs, though transition words like 'nevertheless' and 'besides' are occasionally used inappropriately.
Use cohesive devices more naturally to show direct comparison rather than relying on heavy contrast linkers.
Lexical Resource
The response uses an adequate range of vocabulary to describe visual trends, alongside minor typos such as 'dut to'.
Incorporate a wider variety of precise verbs and adjectives for describing data trends to avoid repetitive phrasing.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex sentences is used with mostly clear meaning, despite noticeable grammatical errors in punctuation and prepositions.
Proofread for missing prepositions and ensure complex sentence fragments are properly linked to the main clause.