The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. Percentage of participation of men in senior development positions
Sample Response
The provided bar graph compares the number of male senior developers in three major software companies namely IBM, Microsoft and Apple between 1980 and 2010. As is presented in the graph, Initially Apple had the largest percentage of senior development employees but after 30 years IBM employed the largest percentage of such employees. As is presented in the bar graph, initially in 1980, IBM had less than 3% senior male developers while Microsoft had 8% and Apple had about 15% such senior developers. After a decade, in 1990 to be exact, the percentage of senior male developers became almost the same for these companies. In 1995, the percentage of senior male employees in IBM became the highest and this kept on increasing till 2010. Finally, in 2010, IBM had the largest percentage of such employees making more than 60% while Microsoft had 45% and Apple had about 25% of such senior developers. In summary, the number of male senior developers increased in all the three companies but the rate of increase in IBM and Microsoft were far higher than Apple.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use the correct measure Original: compares the number of male senior developers Suggested revision: compares the percentage of men in senior development positions Why it matters: The chart reports percentage participation rather than the number of developers.
- 2. Remove unsupported detail Original: three major software companies Suggested revision: three companies Why it matters: The visual identifies three companies but does not describe them as major software companies.
- 3. Use lowercase here Original: Initially Suggested revision: initially Why it matters: This adverb appears mid-sentence after a comma and should not be capitalized.
- 4. Make timing concise Original: After a decade, in 1990 to be exact Suggested revision: By 1990 Why it matters: The shorter time marker removes repetition and links the next comparison more directly.
- 5. Clarify the reference Original: this kept on increasing Suggested revision: IBM's figure continued to rise Why it matters: Naming IBM's figure removes the vague reference and makes the trend easier to follow.
- 6. Report the figure clearly Original: IBM had the largest percentage of such employees making more than 60% Suggested revision: IBM recorded the highest figure, at more than 60% Why it matters: The original wording incorrectly uses “making” to report a percentage.
- 7. Remove the article Original: in all the three companies Suggested revision: in all three companies Why it matters: “All three companies” is the standard determiner pattern in this context.
- 8. Fix agreement and comparison Original: the rate of increase in IBM and Microsoft were far higher than Apple Suggested revision: the increases for IBM and Microsoft were far greater than Apple's Why it matters: The revision fixes subject-verb agreement and compares the companies' increases in parallel terms.
- 9. Use concise chart wording Original: provided bar graph Suggested revision: bar chart Why it matters: The shorter term names the visual directly and avoids unnecessary wording.
- 10. Signal the overview Original: As is presented in the graph Suggested revision: Overall Why it matters: This marker identifies the sentence as an overview instead of repeating a generic reference to the graph.
- 11. Use accurate role wording Original: senior development employees Suggested revision: men in senior development positions Why it matters: The replacement accurately names the participation measure shown in the chart.
- 12. Name the endpoint Original: after 30 years Suggested revision: by 2010 Why it matters: The explicit year links the overview directly to the chart's final category.
Suggested Rewrites
- compares the number of male senior developers compares the percentage of men in senior development positions
- three major software companies three companies
- Initially initially
- After a decade, in 1990 to be exact By 1990
- this kept on increasing IBM's figure continued to rise
- IBM had the largest percentage of such employees making more than 60% IBM recorded the highest figure, at more than 60%
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response accurately identifies the main shift from Apple’s early lead to IBM’s dominant final position and supports it with several correct comparisons. Its main limitation is selective coverage: the 1985 and 2000 data are omitted, and the chart’s percentages are sometimes described as employee numbers. Prioritise a more complete comparison of intermediate years while maintaining precise percentage-based language.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
A clear overview and several accurate figures capture the main change, although the 1985 and 2000 data are omitted and percentages are sometimes called numbers.
Compare the key intermediate movements, especially Apple’s fluctuations and Microsoft’s plateau, while consistently describing percentage participation.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information progresses logically from the overview to selected details, but the single-paragraph presentation and repeated framing make cohesion less effective.
Separate the overview from the detail paragraph and replace repeated phrases such as ‘As is presented’ with more natural linking.
Lexical Resource
The response uses an adequate range of trend and comparison vocabulary, with occasional imprecision and repetition around numbers, percentages, and employees.
Use precise chart terminology and vary comparative expressions without repeatedly referring to ‘such senior developers’.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex sentences is generally well controlled, despite isolated capitalization, agreement, and phrasing errors.
Proofread subject-verb agreement and sentence-level phrasing, particularly constructions such as ‘the rate of increase ... were’ and ‘making more than 60%’.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. Percentage of participation of men in senior development positions
Your response
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