The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. Percentage of participation of men in senior development positions
Sample Response
The diagram outlines how the ratio of senior male developers increased between 1980 and 2010 in three tech companies, namely IBM, Microsoft and Apple. Overall, the senior male developers’ ratio in IBM increased remarkably despite its lowest percentage of such developers in early years. As is presented in the bar chart, Apple had the highest ratio of males in senior development positions, roughly 15%, in 1980 whereas Microsoft employed nearly 7% such males in senior developer position. IBM, on the contrary, had only around 3% males in higher positions in the development sector, which was the lowest. After a decade, the ratio of such employees in these tech companies accounted for roughly 10-12%. Afterwards, the proportion of male developers in higher posts in IBM noticeably increased and in 2010 well over half of the employees in IBM were male developers. Apple, on the other hand, retained almost one-quarter of such employees while Microsoft’s male developers in leading positions went as high as 45% in 2010.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use precise chart term Original: the ratio of senior male developers Suggested revision: the proportion of men in senior development positions Why it matters: This wording describes the measured category more precisely and naturally.
- 2. Complete despite construction Original: despite its lowest percentage of such developers in early years Suggested revision: despite having the lowest proportion of such developers in the early years Why it matters: After ‘despite’, ‘having’ is needed to express the contrast grammatically, and ‘the’ identifies the specific early period.
- 3. Describe percentage accurately Original: Microsoft employed nearly 7% such males in senior developer position Suggested revision: men accounted for nearly 7% of senior development positions at Microsoft Why it matters: A percentage represents the charted proportion rather than a number of men directly employed.
- 4. Fix percentage phrase Original: only around 3% males in higher positions in the development sector Suggested revision: a figure of only around 3% Why it matters: The original percentage construction is ungrammatical because it omits ‘of’ before the noun phrase.
- 5. Correct 1990 range Original: accounted for roughly 10-12% Suggested revision: stood at roughly 10–14% Why it matters: The chart shows the three 1990 figures ranging from about 11% to 14%, not only 10% to 12%.
- 6. Avoid category misreading Original: well over half of the employees in IBM were male developers Suggested revision: IBM’s figure exceeded 60% Why it matters: The chart reports participation in senior development positions, not the share of all IBM employees who were male developers.
- 7. Use neutral data verb Original: retained almost one-quarter of such employees Suggested revision: recorded a figure of almost 25% Why it matters: ‘Retained’ implies the same people remained, which the chart does not show.
- 8. State figure concisely Original: Microsoft’s male developers in leading positions went as high as 45% Suggested revision: Microsoft’s figure rose to 45% Why it matters: The revision expresses the increase without treating people themselves as a percentage.
- 9. Broaden key-feature coverage Suggested revision: Add comparisons for 1985, 1995, and 2000, especially IBM’s acceleration after 1990 and the widening gap by 2000. Why it matters: Most intermediate changes are omitted, so the report does not fully convey how the three trends developed.
- 10. Create clear paragraph groups Suggested revision: Separate the introduction and overview from two detail paragraphs grouped by the earlier and later years. Why it matters: Presenting the entire report as one paragraph makes its overview and supporting comparisons less distinct.
Suggested Rewrites
- the ratio of senior male developers the proportion of men in senior development positions
- despite its lowest percentage of such developers in early years despite having the lowest proportion of such developers in the early years
- Microsoft employed nearly 7% such males in senior developer position men accounted for nearly 7% of senior development positions at Microsoft
- only around 3% males in higher positions in the development sector a figure of only around 3%
- accounted for roughly 10-12% stood at roughly 10–14%
- well over half of the employees in IBM were male developers IBM’s figure exceeded 60%
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response’s strongest feature is its clear identification of IBM’s dramatic rise from the lowest starting point, supported by generally accurate opening and final figures. Its main limitation is selective coverage: most changes in 1985, 1995, and 2000 are omitted, so the development of all three companies is not fully conveyed. The highest priority is to compare the intermediate data systematically while describing percentages with more precise, natural phrasing.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
A clear overview and broadly accurate opening, 1990, and final figures identify the dominant trend, but several intermediate features are omitted.
Include focused comparisons for 1985, 1995, and 2000 to show how the three companies’ trajectories diverged before 2010.
Coherence and Cohesion
The information progresses logically from the opening year to the endpoint, with clear comparison markers, although presenting everything in one paragraph weakens the structure.
Separate the overview from two logically grouped detail paragraphs and use time references to connect the omitted intermediate stages.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary shows useful range for trends and comparisons, but repeated references to ratios and male developers include several awkward collocations.
Use precise chart language such as ‘the proportion of men in senior development positions’ and avoid phrases like ‘employed nearly 7% such males.’
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A range of complex sentences is generally controlled and meaning remains clear, despite recurring omissions of ‘of’ and awkward noun phrases.
Check percentage constructions and determiners, especially forms such as ‘7% of the men’ and ‘well over half of the employees.’
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The bar chart below shows the percentage participation of men in senior development in three companies between 1980 and the year 2010. Percentage of participation of men in senior development positions
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.