The Graph shows the information on smoking frequently seen among athletes of Parkview secondary school.
Sample Response
The yielded two pie charts demonstrate 15 years old athletes smoking habits frequently at the Parkview secondary school.
Overall, we can clearly see that non-smokers proportion is higher in boys group than girls additionally, the least percentage is never smoking in both groups.
For Boys, 17% of students have an everyday smoking habit whereas, with the highest percentage, 71% of pupils avoid smoking or never smoke. Furthermore, not every day but once a week and less than once a week learners proportion is 5% and 7% respectively.
For Girls, just above one in the fifth percentile of female learners are smoking regularly or every single day. Never smoker percentage is also higher than others, although it is only 2% less than boys; however, for once a week but not every day, the smoking habit proportion was identical to boys. Moreover, a female who smoked less than once a week has 6%.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Remove wrong modifier Original: yielded two Suggested revision: two Why it matters: “Yielded” does not describe charts and obscures the sentence meaning.
- 2. Use reporting verb Original: demonstrate Suggested revision: show Why it matters: “Show” is the natural verb for presenting chart data.
- 3. Form age adjective Original: 15 years old Suggested revision: 15-year-old Why it matters: An age modifying a noun requires a singular hyphenated form.
- 4. Fix possession and wording Original: athletes smoking habits frequently Suggested revision: athletes’ smoking frequency Why it matters: The possessive form and noun phrase correctly identify what the charts measure.
- 5. Use the proper name Original: the Parkview secondary school Suggested revision: Parkview Secondary School Why it matters: The institution’s proper name should be capitalized and does not take “the.”
- 6. Lowercase common noun Original: Boys Suggested revision: boys Why it matters: “Boys” is not a proper noun and should not be capitalized here.
- 7. Use direct verb phrase Original: have an everyday smoking habit Suggested revision: smoke every day Why it matters: The direct verb phrase expresses the frequency clearly and grammatically.
- 8. Repair contrast link Original: whereas, with the highest percentage, Suggested revision: while Why it matters: The original linker and inserted phrase disrupt the comparison between 17% and 71%.
- 9. Match the category Original: avoid smoking or never smoke Suggested revision: never smoke Why it matters: The chart category is specifically “Never,” so the alternative wording is redundant and imprecise.
- 10. Lowercase common noun Original: Girls Suggested revision: girls Why it matters: “Girls” should be lowercase because it is a common noun.
- 11. Express proportion correctly Original: just above one in the fifth percentile Suggested revision: just over one fifth Why it matters: A percentile is a rank, whereas 21% is a proportion slightly above one fifth.
- 12. Use frequency form Original: are smoking regularly or every single day Suggested revision: smoke every day Why it matters: The simple present directly and consistently reports the chart category.
Suggested Rewrites
- yielded two two
- demonstrate show
- 15 years old 15-year-old
- athletes smoking habits frequently athletes’ smoking frequency
- the Parkview secondary school Parkview Secondary School
- Boys boys
Why this response received Band 5.5
The response covers both charts and accurately reports almost all percentages, with clear separation of boys’ and girls’ data. However, the overview wrongly says that never smoking is the smallest category, contradicting the charts and the later details, while frequent awkward phrasing weakens precision. The highest priority is to correct the overview and use cleaner comparative sentence structures.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
Most percentages and gender comparisons are accurate, but the overview incorrectly identifies never smoking as the smallest category despite it being dominant.
State accurately that never smoking is by far the largest category for both groups and that weekly smoking is the smallest.
Coherence and Cohesion
The response is organized into an overview and separate paragraphs for boys and girls, but some run-on linking and mechanical sequencing reduce cohesion.
Use one focused comparison per sentence and link the two groups directly instead of describing them in largely separate lists.
Lexical Resource
The vocabulary covers the topic and proportions adequately, though awkward phrases such as yielded two pie charts and one in the fifth percentile reduce precision.
Use natural expressions such as the charts illustrate, just over one fifth, and the proportion of non-smokers.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Meaning remains generally clear, but frequent errors with possessives, articles, plurals, agreement, and punctuation occur throughout the response.
Practise noun phrases for proportions and check that each sentence has controlled punctuation and a grammatically complete main clause.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The Graph shows the information on smoking frequently seen among athletes of Parkview secondary school.
Your response
Write the task yourself, then compare your choices with the annotated response.