The line graph below gives information about men and women smokers in Bhutan from 1960 to 2000. Men & Women Smokers in Bhutan (per 1000)
Sample Response
The diagram compares the male and female smokers in Bhutan and shows the smoking trend among the people of Bhutan over a 40 years’ period commencing from 1960. As an overall trend, the percentages of male smokers decreased after 1980 while the ratio of female smokers increased over the given period. As can be seen in the given line graph, about 60% Bhutanese male smoked in the 1960s while the percentage of female smokers at that time stood at only around 5%. Male smokers’ ratio remained almost the same till 1975 while women smokers soared. Over the time, the percentage of men who smoked gradually decreased and in 1995, four hundred men out of a thousand in Bhutan were smokers. The ratio of female smokers in this year also reached the same level of male smokers and this was a significant increase in female smokers. In the year 2000, approximately 500 people smoked and the number of male and female smokers were almost the same in this year.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Chart type Original: The diagram Suggested revision: The line graph Why it matters: Name the visual accurately.
- 2. Compound adjective Original: a 40 years’ period Suggested revision: a 40-year period Why it matters: Use the singular form before “period” in a compound adjective.
- 3. Wrong unit Original: percentages of male smokers Suggested revision: number of male smokers per 1000 people Why it matters: The y-axis is per 1000, not percent.
- 4. Imprecise unit Original: the ratio of female smokers Suggested revision: the number of female smokers Why it matters: “Ratio” is not the clearest label for this graph.
- 5. Plural group Original: 60% Bhutanese male Suggested revision: 600 Bhutanese men per 1000 Why it matters: The visual shows about 600 per 1000, not 60%, and “male” should not be singular here.
- 6. Wrong unit Original: 5% Suggested revision: about 50 per 1000 Why it matters: The female figure in 1960 is around 50 per 1000, not 5%.
- 7. Overstated verb Original: soared Suggested revision: rose sharply Why it matters: The increase was strong, but “rose sharply” is more neutral for IELTS Task 1.
- 8. Transition phrase Original: Over the time Suggested revision: Over time Why it matters: The standard phrase does not need “the”.
- 9. Trend precision Original: gradually decreased Suggested revision: declined steadily, especially after 1980 Why it matters: The male line is fairly steady until 1980, then falls more clearly.
- 10. Data accuracy Original: in 1995, four hundred men out of a thousand Suggested revision: in 1995, about 250 men per 1000 Why it matters: The male figure in 1995 is about 250, not 400.
- 11. Inaccurate comparison Original: reached the same level of male smokers Suggested revision: was still below the male figure Why it matters: The female line remains lower than the male line in 1995.
- 12. Inaccurate total Original: approximately 500 people smoked Suggested revision: men were just above 200 per 1000 and women were a little over 100 per 1000 Why it matters: The 2000 values are separate male and female rates, not a combined 500.
Suggested Rewrites
- The diagram The line graph
- a 40 years’ period a 40-year period
- percentages of male smokers number of male smokers per 1000 people
- the ratio of female smokers the number of female smokers
- 60% Bhutanese male 600 Bhutanese men per 1000
- 5% about 50 per 1000
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
The report identifies the opposite trends, but it repeatedly reports “percentages” even though the graph is per 1000 people, and it gives inaccurate end-point information for 2000.
Report the units as smokers per 1000 and state the clear contrast: men fell from about 600 to just over 200, while women rose to a 1975 peak before declining.
Coherence and Cohesion
The answer is mostly one long paragraph with a basic overview and chronological detail, but progression is compressed.
Use two body paragraphs: one for men, one for women, or one for the first half and one for the decline after 1975.
Lexical Resource
There is some range for describing trends, but several word choices are imprecise, especially “percentages”, “ratio”, and “people smoked”.
Use “number/rate per 1000”, “male smokers”, “female smokers”, “rose”, “fell”, “peaked”, and “declined”.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar errors are noticeable but usually do not block understanding, especially article use, plural forms and prepositions.
Revise noun phrases after numbers and use “over a 40-year period” rather than possessive or plural forms.