The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland from 1960 to 2000.
Sample Response
The ratio of smokers among men and women in Someland is outlined in the line graph and the data also shows how this rate changed over a 40 years’ time. It is obvious that the ratio of smokers in Someland dipped over the time but female smokers’ percentage climbed higher. As is visible in the illustration, almost six in ten men smoked in 1960 in Someland. At that time one female out of then smoked but over the decades this ratio went higher while the percentage of male smokers decreased. In 1970, almost 2 in every ten women smoked while male smokers’ ratio somewhat decreased. Moving further, the percentages of male and female smokers in 1985 stood at 40% and 30%, which shows a contrasting trend of smoking between men and women. It is obvious that more females started consuming tobacco in 1985 than any other time in the past. However, the smoking rate among both genders gradually decreased after 1985 and in 2000, almost 20 to 25 male and female in Someland smoked. Though more males in Someland smoked, the increasing trend of the female smokers was somewhat alarming.
IELTS Writing Correction
- 1. Use precise measure Original: ratio of smokers among men and women Suggested revision: smoking rates among men and women Why it matters: The graph reports rates per 1,000 people rather than a ratio between the two groups.
- 2. Match plural subject Original: shows Suggested revision: show Why it matters: In formal academic usage, ‘data’ takes a plural verb.
- 3. Fix time phrase Original: a 40 years’ time Suggested revision: a 40-year period Why it matters: A compound adjective uses the singular form ‘year’ and no possessive apostrophe.
- 4. Describe rates accurately Original: ratio of smokers in Someland dipped Suggested revision: smoking rate in Someland fell Why it matters: ‘Smoking rate’ is the more precise term for the quantity shown.
- 5. Remove unnecessary article Original: over the time Suggested revision: over time Why it matters: The fixed expression for a general period is ‘over time’.
- 6. Use natural phrasing Original: female smokers’ percentage Suggested revision: female smoking rate Why it matters: This concise term describes the measure more naturally.
- 7. Correct typo Original: then Suggested revision: ten Why it matters: ‘Then’ is a spelling error in the numerical expression ‘one out of ten’.
- 8. Use precise trend verb Original: this ratio went higher Suggested revision: this rate increased Why it matters: ‘Increased’ is more precise and formal for describing a graph trend.
- 9. Write number in words Original: 2 Suggested revision: two Why it matters: Small numbers are conventionally written in words in continuous academic prose.
- 10. Use consistent measure Original: male smokers’ ratio Suggested revision: male smoking rate Why it matters: The graph shows a smoking rate, not a ratio between categories.
- 11. Anchor the time point Original: Moving further Suggested revision: By 1985 Why it matters: A specific time reference makes the chronological progression clearer.
- 12. Keep terminology consistent Original: percentage of male smokers Suggested revision: male smoking rate Why it matters: Consistent terminology makes the comparison easier to follow.
Suggested Rewrites
- ratio of smokers among men and women smoking rates among men and women
- shows show
- a 40 years’ time a 40-year period
- ratio of smokers in Someland dipped smoking rate in Someland fell
- over the time over time
- female smokers’ percentage female smoking rate
Why this response received Band 6.5
The response identifies the broad contrast between declining male smoking and the rise then fall among women, and it supports this with several useful figures. Its main limitation is imprecision: percentages are substituted for rates per 1,000, the female peak is assigned to 1985 rather than 1975–1980, and the final comparison is vague. Prioritise reporting the original units and accurately comparing turning points and endpoints.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Detailed feedback by IELTS writing criterion after the annotated essay.
Task Achievement
A relevant overview and several key figures describe both series, but the female peak is misdated and some rate descriptions are imprecise.
Use rates per 1,000 consistently and identify the female peak in 1975–1980 before comparing the 2000 endpoints.
Coherence and Cohesion
The chronological progression is easy to follow, although the single-paragraph presentation and repeated framing weaken organisation.
Separate the overview from two logically grouped detail paragraphs and reduce repetitive references to what is visible or obvious.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a reasonable range of trend language, but several collocations and references to ratios and percentages are awkward or inaccurate.
Prefer precise phrases such as ‘the smoking rate’, ‘rose to’, ‘peaked at’, and ‘fell to’ throughout.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
A mix of simple and complex structures communicates the trends, though article, plural, possessive, and noun-phrase errors recur.
Check agreement and noun phrases carefully, especially forms such as ‘over 40 years’ and ‘20–25 percent of men and women’.
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IELTS Academic Writing Task 1
The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland from 1960 to 2000.
Your response
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