The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane.
This response is estimated at Band 7.0. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
The diagram illustrates how sugar is produced from sugar canecans.
As can clearly be seenAs clearly can be seen, there are seven stagesseven various stages in this process involving machinery and manual labourdemanding specific machinery and skilled workers.
First of all, sugar cane is grownsugar needs to be grown on farmlandin appropriate farmland. After 12 to 18 monthsAfter passing 12 to 18 months Delete(perhaps depending on the culture conditions as well as the types of sugar can), the crops are harvested either mechanically using a harvestermechanically by trucks or manually by workersphysically by farmers. In the next stageAt the next step, the sugar cane is fed into a crushersugar cans enter into a machine with two rotating wheels where it is crushedin which sugar is completely crushed so that its juice is extracted.
Subsequently, the extracted juice is passed through a limestone filter to be purifiedforpurification. While the purified juice is being heated, its liquid evaporates. Therefore, the juice thickens into syrupthe juice becomes syrup. At this point, a centrifuge separatesa centrifuge is needed to separate sugar crystals from the syrup. Once the syrup has been centrifuged for a certain time, it is eventually dried and cooled in big containers. The final substance is a substance which is called sugar.
Why this response received Band 7.0
The response’s strongest feature is its complete, chronological account of all seven stages, with generally clear use of process language and passive forms. Its main limitation is accuracy and precision: it adds unsupported claims about skilled workers, misidentifies mechanical harvesting as being done by trucks, and becomes unclear about what is dried and cooled. The priority is to describe only visible information and track each material precisely from cane to crystals.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
All seven stages are covered in the correct order, but the report adds unsupported details and inaccurately attributes mechanical harvesting to trucks.
Give a factual start-to-finish overview and ensure that only the separated sugar crystals, rather than the syrup, are described as being dried and cooled.
Coherence and Cohesion
The process is organised chronologically with clear sequencing, although the final reference to “it” makes the material being processed unclear.
Maintain explicit reference chains by naming “the crystals” after centrifuging instead of relying on an ambiguous pronoun.
Lexical Resource
There is adequate process vocabulary, but repeated “sugar cans,” awkward collocations, and the fused form “forpurification” reduce precision.
Use exact terms consistently, including “sugar cane,” “growing conditions,” “harvesting machine,” and “for purification.”
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
The response attempts varied complex and passive structures, but recurring errors in word order, reference, and clause construction weaken control.
Revise awkward constructions such as “As clearly can be seen” and “After passing 12 to 18 months” into direct, correctly controlled clauses.