The diagram below shows the manufacturing process for making sugar from sugar cane.
This response is estimated at Band 7.5. Can you write a better one?
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Sample Response
Overall, a total of seven steps is seen from the production, including harvesting, crushing and separating. The diagram also shows thatIt is also evident that manufacturing sugar from sugar canecanes is a linear process using sugar cane as its main raw materiala capital-intensive process, despite using only one ingredient.
To begin, sugar cane takessugar canes take 12 to 18 months1 to 1.5 years to grow before they are ready for harvest. This stage could be performed in two different methods, either manually using a sickle or by an industrial reaper.
Once harvestedcollected, the sugar cane is crushed by a machinethe sugar canes are machine-pressed to extract the juicein order to extract the juice. This juice is then passed through a limestone filtera filter made of limestone so that impurities are removedany unwanted substance is eliminated. The next stage involves evaporation, in which the filtered sugar cane juice is put under heat and therefore thickens into a syrup. Subsequently, the syrup is placed in a centrifugeis transferred into a centrifuge, which rotates rapidlyat a very high speed so that sugar crystals are separated from the syrupliquid Deletedue to differences in density. In the final step, the sugar is dried and cooledDelete, ready for packaging and sale.
Why this response received Band 7.5
The response gives a well-organised and largely accurate account of all seven stages, using effective sequencing and a good range of process vocabulary. Its main limitation is the overview's unsupported description of the process as capital-intensive, alongside the added claim about packaging and sale, which the diagram does not show. Focus the overview on observable features and avoid extending the process beyond the final drying and cooling stage.
IELTS Writing Criteria Scores
Task Achievement
All seven stages and both harvesting methods are accurately described, although the response adds unsupported claims about capital intensity, packaging, and sale.
Base the overview and final sentence solely on visible features, ending with drying and cooling.
Coherence and Cohesion
Information progresses smoothly from cultivation to the finished sugar, with effective paragraphing and controlled sequencing devices.
Make the overview more concise so that it previews the process without interrupting the otherwise strong progression.
Lexical Resource
The response uses a flexible range of process vocabulary, though a few combinations such as seen from the production and performed in two different methods are awkward.
Use more natural collocations, such as the process consists of seven stages and harvesting can be carried out in two ways.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Complex passive and subordinate structures are generally accurate, with occasional errors in agreement and preposition choice.
Review agreement and fixed constructions in sentences such as a total of seven steps can be seen and by two different methods.